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Question re friend - WWYD?(9 Posts)
I have a good friend I've known for 25 years, she lives 10 minutes from where I live and her DS is the same age as mine. I noticed that lately, it was always me asking her to meet up - she usually said yes and seemed happy to spend time with me, however, she hardly ever contacted me of her own accord. I wasn't sure if I was imagining things, so after our last meeting at the end of October I decided to stop calling and I haven't heard from her since. I know she will call eventually, but I am hurt by the fact she doesn't want to see me as often as I'd like to see her, especially considering as we live so close and could easily meet without much planning beforehand, like taking our DSs and her dogs for a short walk. Also, I don't think a proper friendship can survive on so little contact.
Should I just accept that our friendship works that way, and continue being the one to call most of the time? Or should I accept the fact that our friendship is not as important to her as it is to me and make do with an afternoon together once every three months?
Honestly I think you are overthinking this - if she has always been happy to see you and doesn't flake on arrangements, and you enjoy spending time with her, surely her friendship is one to hold on to?
Some people don't place as high an importance on seeing their friends as others do but that doesn't mean they mean less to them. I am like you - I'm usually always the one making arrangements with my friends, and it used to bother me like it does you. But I love my friends and love spending time with them so I'm happy to put in the effort.
The only time I give up is when they flake on me (I haven't seen my cousin since my wedding in September despite her living 5 minutes away and being at college 3 days a week and not working - she's only 17 but we have always been close, she's practically a sister). She's cancelled on me one too many times now so if she doesn't come to my sons birthday party next week I'm not bothering!
But it sounds like you have a lovely friendship and unfortunately she might just not be as motivated as you are to see each other as often, but this doesn't mean she doesn't value your friendship. If you still enjoy her friendship and spending time with her, I wouldn't give up just yet. But if it's bothering you I would definitely bring it up with her - perhaps ask if everything is ok since she's not been in touch for a while? Might make her realise that she could perhaps put a bit more effort in!
Firstly, is there a possibility that she hasn't been in touch because she has had something major going on that you don't know about? Or as it's you that usually contacts her, she may be sitting at home wondering what she's done to upset you as you haven't been in touch. I wouldn't judge her till you've seen her again.
Secondly, do you still enjoy spending time with her when you do get together or are you resentful that you are always the one making the effort? You've known her for 25 years, if you are building up resentment, couldn't you gently ask why she never calls you? Or ask her if she's happy with the frequency of your meetups? Then you will have a better idea about whether to downgrade the friendship.
Some people are better at inviting and organising. I think you are reading too much into it.
Scrumptious I totally get you cos I've been in this very situation a few times. Always the one making the effort so that eventually, as a sort of test, I would stop the contact and just see how long it was before the person contacted me. And I would certainly take it personally if the person never got back to me. They were probably never that keen on me in the first place, I would think...after all, friendship is a 2 way street, right?
For me this has happened more with friends that were either new friends or just aquaintences as opposed for mates that go back decades, mind. I would actually come right out and ask or mention the fact next time you meet up..." So if I hadn't arranged this meeting, when would you have thought on to get in touch?" or something that's more comfortable to you. But I would def let her know it's something that you've noticed. Obv it doesn't have to be anything majorly confrontational or anything but if I've learned anything with mates I've had for decades it's this.....if you've got any issue that's rankling you, it'll only get bigger if you don't just blurt it out into the open and give it a good airing. Then everything can be cleared up. Even if it takes a glass of wine before you do
But, honestly, don't let this snowball. It's clearly niggling you so broach the subject while it's still a "mole hill" not a mountain, so to speak. I'm a big believer in just airing our concerns/views and calling a spade a spade. Then we all know where we stand. Just get the ball rolling....she sounds a bit lazy and taking it for granted you'll do all the arranging always. Just let her know you'd like her to take a turn now and again too.
I'm really bad at going through long periods of not organising meeting with my friends. I would hate it if my best friend was feeling like you do though.
If it is bothering you then I would talk to her though. If it is that she is really busy, stressed or skint then I think that is different to actively not wanting to see you. Do you talk outside of meeting?
She might just have other things going on that have distracted her?
Thanks for your replies everyone.
There might have been things that have distracted her lately which I don't know about, but she has been like this for a long time (a couple of years), it's nothing new.
I have thought about broaching the subject, but I am scared of turning contacting me into a chore. I don't want her to think, "I have to call Crumpet today or she'll be offended". (Perhaps this is all part of the overthinking it?!) I'd also have to be very frank because I've already told her many times that I'd love to meet more often, that she could come to the toddler group I go to once every fortnight etc., but she never seemed to get that I really meant it, and that I was making a concrete suggestion so that she didn't have to think of something to do together.
I am aware that by brooding over the subject I am risking making a mountain out of a molehill, and that the best thing to avoid building up resentment is to talk things through... I'll probably need more than one glass of wine though
At-a girl lol...I think we are all guilty of over-thinking and assuming telepathic powers ( thinking we know wot others are thinking about a given situation ) at various times during relationships. You really can tie yourself in knots and make something tiny snowball, it's so easy done.
If she's been your mate for 25yrs she'll know your personality too so that's an advantage. You do right to just come right out with it and say wot's on your mind. No-one ever died cos somebody was honest about their feelings, after all. Best of luck
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