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am i just being moany/ hormonal or do i have a point.

(22 Posts)
ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 12:32:31

i was not really sure where to post as its a bit of a mix. my kids have been right pains lately cant even walk past each other or talk without there being some stupid aguement. its constant day in day out. went went disney on ice last night. bickering in the car. ok whilst there bickering on the way back. it cost alot of money and so has xmas. i get no thanks no nothing. when it comes to cleaning the house: do i have to oh its not fair. but but but. no its fine i do it on my own because im a mug. they have to do it in the end but im fed up with fighting for everything.

Then with boyfriend. he can be really nice he buys flowers, if we go out together he pays for the meal. if i have been a prat with money he will lend me some till i get paid. hes always saying how much he loves me, he even put 300 in my bank so i did not have to do food shop at last minuet before xmas. i will have to give it back soon as my money gos in but its still a kind thing for him to do.. if he takes me shopping today like he said. if not then there was no point. he bought me a laptop because mine was stolen and from what he says hes got me some lovely things for xmas.

But. im 18 weeks pregnant and have a baby who is 8 months. when we went disney last night. he parks car in the car park in the 02. far from the entrance even though there are spaces nearer. so i have the physical feeling of being pregnant. then i have 8 month old in the baby carrier. hes walking really fast and im in pain. (i did not tell him this) though. he had been told a week or so before in mcdonalds when i had to keep getting up and down...

on the way to 02 last night we stopped at mc donlds. there was quite a few of us. ie the baby. and 4 other kids. so there were 3 trays full. the trays get in the way on the table he sits down trays all over the table. tucks into his burger. leaves me to deal with everything. ie give the food out. get rid of the trays. make sure all the food is ok. and that the younger ones are ok. hes just muching his burger.. as touched on abive he dine the same thing couple weeks before left it all to me. i spoke to him about it and he said he sometimes forgets im pregnant...

back to the 02. we are leaving o2 after the show, hes got a gallop on again. i tell him kids need the loo. his responce oh no we are going to get stuck in all the traffic.

just to ad we dont live together... i just want someone to think of me sometimes... am i being petty?

VocationalGoat Wed 23-Dec-15 12:46:56

Well... I imagine having so many kids on your own is tough. Kids are hard to raise and lovely as they are, they are exhausting. I think you're exhausted and stretched. You will have 6 kids if I've done the maths correctly, so I think it is what it is: you have an exhausting life and you live without your partner and you're pregnant and feeling the strain of it all. I think any little thing probably feels like an enormous task to you right now simply because you're probably knackered (pregnancy adds to this).

I think your BF is just 'being a bloke'. He's being a bit thoughtless but he doesn't sound nasty or selfish in the least. I think you're being a little hard on him but it's understandable. I get down on people when I'm exhausted. Life is tough when you're never getting a bit of down time. Maybe your BF is knackered too and not thinking. He did take you guys out for a nice evening and he seems generous in other ways. Focus on his good points. He doesn't seem to have any terrible qualities and no one can be 100% generous in spirit all the time.
Maybe you ought to live together so that you feel more supported.
You should talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Dialogue is the first step towards a solution.

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 12:57:21

voc your right. its the smaller things that get to me the most because they are small and i dont get why the simple little things cant be done. why would you even sit there eating before anyone can start. its almost like im alright jack type stuff. i have tried talking to him but it does not really get me anywhere. actually everyone just ignores me... oh well maybe your right. sometimes i would rather not be in the relationship. because is a relationship not meant to make things easyer. im still doing everything myself im thinking whats the point.

Noneedforasitter Wed 23-Dec-15 13:19:56

Presumably the baby is his?

He is clearly very thoughtless. Maybe he just doesn't realise how much effort children are, especially if he doesn't live with them. I was never the main carer for my children and initially didn't understand quite how taxing it all is with young ones. Just going out to shops takes an age: coats, shoes, gloves, wees...The whole process can be exasperating and it is a thankless task often. I can't imagine trying to do it in my own, so you have my respect.

I think the important thing is to avoid the resentment building up in you before you tackle him on his behaviour. Because YANBU about his petty selfishness. If he is good long-term material, he will begin to understand he needs to take joint responsibility with you for the children even if they aren't his, and to be more considerate of your position, (particularly as you are pregnant).

Try to raise your issues in a non-hostile way, when there are no children around. If you do it in a reasonable way, and use examples of what you would like him to do, hopefully he will address his behaviour.

Best of luck.

RealityCheque Wed 23-Dec-15 14:19:26

Wow, noneed!

It's not at all reasonable to expect him to take 'joint responsibility' for the best part of half a youth football team that aren't his, at this stage of their relationship when they don't even live together! Sorry but its completely unreasonable and entitled.

He certainly does not need "tackling on his behaviour" like a naughty schoolkid. It wasn't his choice to have so many children!

Vocationalgoat has it spot on IMO.

Noneedforasitter Wed 23-Dec-15 14:47:16

RC - fair point on 'joint responsibility'. Actually I wasn't meaning financially. I was meaning (eg) behaviour at McD. If two adults go out with a group of children both should be helping out with trays, food etc.. It's just courtesy. If a BF isn't thoughtful enough for that, they aren't up to much. But if it is just thoughtlessness, it is probably fixable by pointing it out.

I honestly don't believe a relationship has any chance of long-term survival if one party continues to act selfishly in little ways.

Cabrinha Wed 23-Dec-15 15:45:13

You sound - I don't mean this as badly as it sounds! - like a bit of a martyr over the McD.

It sounds like he's not the father of the oldest 4 (or 5?) so how often is he with you as a family? How much does he have experience with kids? Tbh, I'd expect the kids to just sort their own food out, lifting happy meals off trays.

My sister has 5 - they're older now but when they were all under 10, i'd have left her to it as well. She knows who wants what, and would have been deftly sorting it. It's not the kind of place where you wait to eat together, either. I would have lifted the empty trays away, I'm sure.

So boyfriend aside, you need to stop running around after the kids. If they can't even reach over the table for a fruit shoot, they can go thirsty, I think grin

I felt completely normal at 18 weeks pregnant, and I've been pregnant. I think that a lot of "I'm tired" comments get forgotten - like it's a minor grumble in the moment. If you're exhausted, you need to make sure he knows that. You said yourself you didn't tell him.

I think you need to be really specific with him about what you need, and be prepared to end it if he doesn't step up. BUT... I think it's a lot to step up to, looking after a big family that isn't yours. It wouldn't make him a bad person if he's simply not up for that. (though he should have thought of that before deciding to have a baby of his own)

I hope you had a good time at the show though - sounds like a lot of it was a lovely family outing. I loved the fun and noise and instant party of going out with my sister and her 5!

Cabrinha Wed 23-Dec-15 17:22:38

Actually, I just searched your posts - because I had a recollection that your posted about an unhelpful much older girl, refusing to help with Xmas presents. (I may be wrong about that, didn't see that thread)

Was this all your kids on the outing, or younger ones with friends?

Because your kids are 17, 12, 7 & 4 and quite frankly if I was dating you I'd expect them to sort themselves out!!

If he's thoughtless generally, definitely have words. But I don't think this is the thing to haul him up over.

goodnightdarthvader1 Wed 23-Dec-15 18:19:33

Because your kids are 17, 12, 7 & 4 and quite frankly if I was dating you I'd expect them to sort themselves out!!

This. And kids bicker. 5 or 6 kids bicker a lot.

You can't seem to decide if this guy is a saint or an asshole, based on your previous posts.

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 18:43:18

ah yes i partly see where you are coming from. but say the mc ds for example. as you probably know the tables are small. so put a tray on there and most of the table is taken up. they dont help the, self becaauar there would be arms stretching all over the place and then there will be thats mine no thats mine bla bla. to me you don't sit there and stuff your burger sod everyone else. he never even took his own stuff of the tray he was eating it off the tray whilst everyones stuff was all over the trays.

and why would you rush of like a steam train whilst your gf is pregant and holding a heavy baby in a carrier and hes doing nothing. just steams ahead like hes not with us.

but yeah i do partly get your point. i had told him when he done the same thing a couple weeks ago and he said he forgot i was pregnant. and he says things like im not on my own anymore he will always support me not like my wanker ex i will look after you. im always here for you put then he cant even help serve food to kids and just steams ahead and no help with his own baby. as i write that i think im sort of telling myself something but then on the other hand im saying stop being a moany prat. i dont exspect him to do everything far from it. but i think he choice to have a realationship with me knowing i have kids. so i would have thought that means he plays a part even with the little things.

maybe its just the lead up to xmas and stuff

Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Dec-15 19:53:41

You've posted a lot about him before, and had a lot of advice

He's gone from arsehole to the best thing since sliced bread several times just in the last year or so - keep doing what you've done and you'll keep getting what you've got - you know what he's like, so it's like it or lump it really

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 20:24:04

i only posted about him just beofre we both got back together/ when i was pregnant.

but yes i agree it does seem to be either hes ace or hes an arse there does not seem to be an in between.

i dont know what you mean by keep doing what youve done though. as i have not done anything :/

its just hard to know if im looking for things to go wrong,picking on things. or if he is being selfish. i dont know.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Dec-15 20:35:57

Didn't you also post when he left you when you were pregnant last time?

Anyway, what I mean is, if you want things to change you have to do something different - if you put up with his behaviour he'll keep doing it - if you want him to change you'll need to talk to him - if he doesn't change and you don't want to put up with it, you'll have to bin him - but his behaviour isn't a surprise really, is it?

seasidesally Wed 23-Dec-15 20:39:54

op just a thought but do you feel like you should be in a relationship with him because you have 2 of his children

maybe you feel you should be but dont really want to be

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 21:05:00

costa thats the thing i dont know if im just being a moany grump. or if i have a point. he can be very very kind. and says he loves me. but i think maybe he shows it in the wrong way. he shows it with stuff and flowers. rather in what he does. hes always saying that he feels closer to us like a family. but to me a family is a team. when we go out he gets himself in the car starts reving the engine. but leave me to make sure the baby and the kids are all strapped in the car. and hes impatiently reving his engine. And he had sent me a message yesterday saying thankyou for such a lovely night when we went to see disney. love you ect. then today in the car he tells me how bored he was.

sally i do want to be with him but i dont want to keep feeling like a single parent. even more so when its to do with him baby and his unborn baby. i kind of think that it you eat your burger. or you struggle with that coat of yours your holding. i will struggle on my own like i always have. if im on my own i dont get grumpy because it has to be done and im there. but when there is a bloke sitting watching watching you. not doing a thing i think wtf whats the point.

the more im writing though the more i think maybe im just being a bit picky.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Dec-15 21:17:20

If my husband watched me struggle getting kids ready and into the car, while pregnant, and he sat there revving the engine, he'd do it once, and never again

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 21:22:55

costa what would you do?

im also not sure if i exspect to much. i have read many threads about partner not pulling his weight and that sort of thing. so maybe its just normal and thats how it is. i dont know. his daughter who adults say its been a long time since he has had little kids. and he does not think. i guess that could be true.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Dec-15 21:26:11

Me, I wouldn't put up with it - in over 30 years my husband has never once revved the engine at me - and neither would I do it to him - it's rude and ignorant

I think your tolerance level is too low, not too high

Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Dec-15 21:28:13

I mean your expectations are too low, not too high - it's been a long day ......

ghostspirit Wed 23-Dec-15 21:35:33

yeah i kind of agree. im quite easy going bit like my dad. i just go with the flow of everything. and i think it means i let people take the piss. or if i do have a moan like i am now and i decide im going to say something. i often end up backing down.

im not sure if he was reving the engine at me as such but it felt like it.

and today he said how great it is having the car as i would not have managed without it last night. and i said well i would as i would have got the bus. he said i would not :/ strange thing to say as i have never had a car. anyway my kids ague less on the bus. maybe i will get the bus next time haha

Cabrinha Thu 24-Dec-15 10:43:04

I still think your McD example is ridiculous. Not his behaviour to you, but yours to your kids.
At their ages, you won't let them sort out their own McD orders off a tray? One of them is a flipping ADULT!
And part of your OP is moaning about your lazy unappreciative kids! Well, stop literally spoon feeding them!

You don't like this man enough to live with, he's barely any practical help, and yet you chose to have not just one but two kids with him? I'm a single mum, it's not the end of the world not living with both parents but I do think it's preferable, and I'm sad my child can't have it. Why have a second child by someone that you don't even want to live with, with the first? confused

No-one would ever rev their car engine at me twice. What a rude disrespectful arsehole he is.

The McD example is a bad one, he shouldn't be sorting out a 17 and 12 and 7yo's fast food. But I can see why it pissed you off, because it's just indicative of what a selfish dick he is.

If you dump him and sort out the maintenance for his two kids, you won't need his romantic gestures of lending you money.

ghostspirit Thu 24-Dec-15 12:42:10

the reason the kids could not help them self is because there were 3 trays spread over the tables. and no one knows whos is whos unless the stuff gets opend and then everyone would have the wrong food and arms stretched all over the place.

i do sort out the 8 year olds food at he cant see what hes got as its in a box. if he opens the 5 year olds box by mistake it will then cause issues.

i was on the pill....

i know its not end of the world being a single mum. its just it seems i have not gained anything.

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