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Husband has left not sure if he is having an affair

(47 Posts)
Lilfroggi1 Wed 23-Dec-15 01:25:49

Hi husband has left nearly 3 months ago saying he is not happy but starting to wonder if he is having an affair should I confront him or should I wait for more then confront him through a solicitor

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 23-Dec-15 01:27:53

Have you spoken to him at all?

FastWindow Wed 23-Dec-15 01:32:20

Hi lil, it depends what you need to get out of knowing - maintenance eg. If its finally over and you see no possibility of reconciliation, then you need to know in a legal way if you want to start proceedings.

Gut feelings are rarely wrong if you know someone very well.

Lilfroggi1 Wed 23-Dec-15 02:03:27

Yes we have a daughter so have to communicate she is 8, he seems to blow hot and cold all the time and he is not giving the right money I did ask him at the beginning when he left a few times he swore there wasn't any one but there are little things that I seem to have noticed the last week or so more as he has moved into his own place he was with his mum. I did hope we could work it out but I can't see that happening now

howtorebuild Wed 23-Dec-15 02:10:11

It's rare for a Man to leave because he is unhappy, they normally leave for grass greener syndrome someone else or due to jealousy of single peers Do you really want to try again or wish you had your family back?

FastWindow Wed 23-Dec-15 02:17:07

Hard to say but it seems as if you need to concentrate on the things you need for you and your daughter. That is, a steady income and a stable arrangement between you and him. Not easy. Sorry. If he is being a twat over money, that's the first thing you have to address. You need to feel you have that under control. The emotional stuff you want to shout about, needs to take a back seat until you can make sure you have what you need to be okay.
Poor situation, terrible timing. Sorry for you.

Bogeyface Wed 23-Dec-15 02:57:53

I can understand you wanting to know. It helps you draw a line under it, it helps you to understand why it all happened.

But, if he doesnt want to tell you then he wont and sadly there isnt much you can do about that. I daresay that soon he will announce a "new" GF who he had "just" started seeing but eventually he will slip up and dates wont add up. Like the anniversary that falls less than a year after he left you (I know someone who did that and then couldnt work out how his ex figured out the affair....fucking idiot).

All you can do is deal with those things you can control.

If he isnt paying up then go to CMS and make him pay. If he is arsing about with contact then ask to go to mediation. If he goes then it should help and if he refuses then it helps you get what you want in court.

Vent on here about his behaviour, but dont let on to him. Take care flowers

Lilfroggi1 Tue 29-Dec-15 19:44:24

Hi to be honest I'm not sure if we could work it out and I'm not sure I want to but it hurts a lot at the moment. I'm trying to concentrate on the things I can control but I find he wants to avoid talking to me about anything important. I just feel like screaming and giving him a kick up the ass🙁 I need to sort the money out and times for when he has our daughter but I don't want to cause a massive argument about it either I just feel my self confidence has completely gone and I am angry and upsetand trying not to show him but I sometimes let it slip out and get angry with him

Bogeyface Tue 29-Dec-15 19:48:20

He doesnt want to discuss important things because he doesnt want to accept that him leaving had any repercussions. In his head he left and it was best for everyone, lets all just move on.

The fact that the irritating minutae of life still carries on, that the kids still need feeding and clothing, the the bills need paying and mortgage needs paying does not fit his narrative of strolling off worry free.

You are going to have to lawyer up I'm afraid. When they dont want to pull their weight, a court has to make them step up.

Bogeyface Tue 29-Dec-15 19:49:08

minutiae and other typos...

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow Tue 29-Dec-15 19:54:41

It takes two people to 'work it out' and it really doesn't sound like he's interested in doing that, sorry.

Time to take back some control.

First things first - Go to the CMS to get the money you're entitled to.

Then go get legal advice, and if that seems too overwhelming or final just remember that at this stage it is only advice and you're not signing up to anything irreversible, and take it from there.

Lilfroggi1 Tue 29-Dec-15 22:23:25

Thanks I know he isn't interested in working it out and I'm not sure I want to anymore really but just don't know how to get anything sorted everytime I start getting somewhere I end up knocked back I have been to a solicitor but as we have no assets as such it's just wages it seemed very formal I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that route as it seems final I know it is inevitable that is where it is headed! But Does anyone know if contacting the cms is a formal route? Just need a boost somehow I am waiting for counciling so that should help me a bit just don't know how to start moving on my friends and family are saying that I am doing well but I don't feel it some days sad

Bogeyface Tue 29-Dec-15 22:55:59

CMS is a step you need to take, not for you but for your children.

He has a responsibility to help support them and if he is refusing to do that voluntarily then you have no choice but to use them.

Also, if you register a claim via them and he still plays silly buggers then arrears accrue and they can recover them via a deduction from earnings order (where they instruct his employer to take it from his wages before he sees them). It will cost you a small percentage, will cost him a lot more though, so once he realises that you are serious he will hopefully comply off his own back.

Look at it making sure your children get what they are owed rather than you taking money from him.

Lilfroggi1 Tue 29-Dec-15 23:18:38

Thanks he has given some but not the right amount so going through them should help. It's just that some days I feel good and strong and then I can have a day where I feel weak and useless and am worried about my daughter that she is coping ok.

Lilfroggi1 Fri 01-Jan-16 22:24:50

Hi feeling a little low today again just feel like I'm treading water emotionally and I'm trying my best to be happy for my daughter and make things nice for her but it just always seems to not work out quite as planned and can I ask is it normal for the children not to say much about it she doesn't seem to mention her dad much at all to me is that normal or should I worry? I'm angry with him as he did say he would speak to her every day but doesn't bother anymore he did at the beginning but doesn't bother now I just think he is jeopardising his relationship with her as she does not want to stay with him as it is!

Lilfroggi1 Mon 04-Jan-16 08:27:43

Hi just looking for some uplifting words feeling a bit down and drained not sure why really feel like I have been treading water for so long emotionally, I still miss him even though I can't see how we could make it work now any way not that he does want to anyway I'm trying to be civil and things for our daughter but sometimes it hurts so much can I have some help please wish more of the anger would kick in so I wails feel stronger

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 04-Jan-16 09:12:59

I'm sorry for your pain, Lilfroggi, it's very hard when a relationship ends 'out of the blue', when you've been given no indication that anything was wrong and there appears to be no concern from your husband about the impact on you and your daughter.

He doesn't want to fix this, he's made a fairly radical decision to move out and he's done it very badly indeed. A decent man would have communicated with you about his unhappiness and given the relationship a chance for both parties to work to sort it out together. He didn't do that.

I don't know if he has somebody else or not. Whether he currently does or doesn't is really not relevant, he's called time on your relationship and done it in a cowardly manner. It's not you, it's HIM. Take some comfort that he (apparently) was not cheating on you whilst in the marital home; it's more respectful (but still cowardly) to move out and make a definite end.

He will still see his daughter and hopefully be a good dad to her if he has been one up to this point. She will be fine; she has you regardless.

I know it's a huge shock for you, Lilfroggi and you will need to take some time to come to terms with it all. You will get over him. At the moment you're sad but anger will replace that and you'll start to feel keen to get him out of your head once and for all. By then he may have realised that he made a mistake but you will be past that and free to make your own decisions for your life from that point forward.

If you have a look at the 'Relationships' board, there's some very good advice there about money and legal matters. There's also a huge amount of kind and honest support there and you'll realise that you're not on your own.

Best wishes to you, Lilfroggi thanks

Lilfroggi1 Mon 04-Jan-16 09:42:57

Thank you lyingwitchinthewardrobe I know that and everyone has been helpful and given advice I just don't know where the real me has gone and it's just one of those days where I feel useless I do know it's not my fault that he has gone just need to start moving forward but don't know how sad

Oldraver Mon 04-Jan-16 09:45:22

OP... Sorry you are going through this.

Concentrate on one thing at a time, contact the CMA and get the ball rolling (you can do it online). Then have a think where you want to go next with this

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 04-Jan-16 09:58:08

May I suggest Lilfroggi that you ask MNHQ to move this thread to relationships where are there are a lot of people who have been through/are going through this and hopefully you will receive more support. To do this, report your first post and just ask them to move it. I am so sorry you're going through this. It's awful. I have been there. It is time for you to consider drawing a line, considering divorce and getting the finances in place in order that you have the opportunity to start rebuilding your life. Counselling is great and it saved me. Best thing I did. It is time your husband faced the realities of the situation he created. flowers

Lilfroggi1 Mon 04-Jan-16 10:08:42

Thank you theformidablemrsc for letting me know I have put it in the wrong place I have asked them to move it

LuluJakey1 Mon 04-Jan-16 10:27:08

It is so hard when a relationship ends and you did not want it to. I remember feeling bereft and like I had nothing stabilising me- nothing to hold onto or plan for or work towards because it had all just gone. It felt like it didn't matter to anyone else too. I don't think it did really, people cared about me but it didn't matter to them and it did to me which meant I felt very alone and trapped with it and I could not move on from it.
There will be better days, weeks, months and years. There will. This is a difficult time of year as well.
Take control of some things. It always feels better to be in control. Start the divorce, sort the financial side out and do some things for you- buy some new bed linen and re-claim your bedroom was a good one for me. Bit of paint, new bedding, furniture moved around and all of a sudden it was just mine.
Yes to counsellng if you feel you need it.Do the things that make YOU feel better. And consciously stop yourself thinking about it- make yourself do something or think about something else.

TheFormidableMrsC Mon 04-Jan-16 11:01:58

LuluJakey, I totally agree with you with doing things to the house. I literally didn't get back into our bed after my husband left, not once. I just couldn't. So, I swapped the bedrooms round and made my "new" one my own. I didn't spend a lot, far from it, but it is all mine. I am slowly working through the house and changing things as I can afford to. I have removed every last trace of my ex now (and created a memory box for DS so that he knows he was born from love and not the shit it is now). I think it is really important to reclaim your space and it create new...think about it Lilfroggi, it's a small but important step.

BeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 04-Jan-16 12:34:40

Hi all - we're going to pop this over to Relationships at the OPs request.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Jan-16 12:49:43

This is a horrible time OP.
OW or not doesn't really matter.
You need to start divorce proceedings to get access and money sorted out.
Have you worked out how much he should be paying you versus how much he is actually paying you?
If he's not paying enough then talk to him and tell him you are going to CMS.
Also have a chat with CAB and see what you should be doing with regard to benefits, housing, council tax, etc....
Do you have some real life support around you? Family/friends??
You need these people on side.
Blood is thicker than water and all that so MIL might not be on side but do have a chat with her and let her know what is going on with money and access etc... She may be able to give him the boot up his arse that he needs.
So sorry you are going through this.
Time to think about you and DD and get support and advice from where ever you can.

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