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regret sending gift

(14 Posts)
twosugars Wed 23-Dec-15 01:03:08

My parents have been horrendous to me this year, critical and unsupportive when i split from my abusive ex, badmouthing me to others. Silent treatments, unbearable guilt tripping, and all the other things that they have always done which i am trying to recover from.
They cant be bothered to see ds for his birthday or indeed christmas. Some lame excuse. They've seen lots of my sibling though and his family. Funny, that.

The thing is ive sent them a parcel today with lovingly wrapped christmas presents some of it even homemade! Even put love and kisses and spent a fortune on postage.
Now its sunk in and i wish i could get it back! Why have i done this, i am such a stupid mug they dont bloody deserve it and no doubt they will view it as an apology from me for being so awful.

I just dont know what my problem is.

VimFuego101 Wed 23-Dec-15 01:07:41

If you hadn't sent it they seem like they'd have used it as another reason to guilt trip you. Probably best you sent something so you have the moral high ground.

twosugars Wed 23-Dec-15 01:11:53

Yes that is true, and i would have felt guilty which is probably worse.

Treasures Wed 23-Dec-15 01:13:38

I just dont know what my problem is.

The problem isn't yours, OP flowers

It doesn't matter how they receive your parcel - as an apology from you or whatever. What matters is that you're a kind person to have sent it under those circs. I agree with Vim, you have the moral high ground here.

slicedfinger Wed 23-Dec-15 01:17:51

As pp said. The problem is not yours. Do as you would be done by, and have a fabulous Christmas. 🎄

LHReturns Wed 23-Dec-15 01:20:26

You SO have the moral high ground. Find a way to rise above it and walk along with a light smile on your face at what a beautiful job you did for sad lonely people in your (much better) life.

I am in a vaguely similar situation with my enormously disappointing father and his hideous younger Eastern European wife who has knocked herself out to alienate my father from his children. He let her.

I have sent them a beautiful 'collage' of framed photos on canvas of my DS for Christmas (who they have met twice in his 18 months - once when he was born and once at his christening - they have never given him anything). Just like you I have moments when I think - what the FXXK am I doing?! They don't deserve these gorgeous shots of my beautiful baby, and they probably think I am trying to 'make amends'. Like FXXK. I am actually being selfish as I now don't have to worry for one second about looking in the mirror and knowing I have tried. I have risen so far above them and their useless effort (a one line email on my 40th birthday etc).

You did a gorgeous thing, well done, you are a BIG person, and I hope they cringe at how small they feel in response.

Happy Christmas OP!

CakeMountain Wed 23-Dec-15 10:51:38

It's fine OP. As others have said, high moral ground - hopefully it'll all go off in the post and they'll spend Christmas on the too grin

CakeMountain Wed 23-Dec-15 10:52:05

on the loo ffs!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Dec-15 10:54:55

Please look up FOG (Fear obligation Guilt) have a read up on it and you will start to understand why.
But you did a nice thing and although they don't deserve it, you don't have to live with the guilt of not sending anything.
Once you understand and get out of the FOG this will change.

notarehearsal Wed 23-Dec-15 11:05:37

I, for one, totally respect you for being the bigger person ( even if you do regret it now) You sound lovely, it may not make any difference in the long run except to you for doing what you thought was the right thing at the time

twosugars Wed 23-Dec-15 16:14:08

Thanks for your replies everyone, it has made me feel a lot better.

I came home from shopping just now and there was a delivery of flowers from my mum and dad to me, with a note saying Happy Christmas.

So they just went online and ordered them, I guess.
Why does that make me feel so sad? I don't even want them they are lovely but I don't even want to look at them.

The thing is, my mother when she spoke to me on the phone last week said that there would be something arriving for me around this time so I thought it would be a present. I asked her if I should send them their presents in the post (by that point I wasn't even sure if they were coming to see me or not for xmas (they didn't)). And she said yes, it would be nice if I could send a little parcel over to them.
Which I duely have done.

I know I sound really ungrateful and I should I be pleased with them? Making me feel a bit teary actually just feels like a smack in the face but I am not sure why at least they got me something.
It's definitely a snub though, normally my mother is a real present giver.

Hissy Wed 23-Dec-15 23:31:29

Let this be the last thing you ever send them.

They've done their worst, they aren't worth your time.

You know that the reason you fell victim to an abuser is expressly due to how they conditioned you, yes?

Kicking you now you are down? Classic.. I had the same. I know how it hurts. Like nothing else. But when they are out of your life you will grow so much! You won't believe it!

And they will hate you even more for that growth.

Who on earth WANTS their child to suffer and be unhappy and abused?

Crappy abusive parents like ours.

They are toxic, they won't change. Ever.

You will get through this.

twosugars Thu 24-Dec-15 00:38:37

Thank you Hissy smile
I am sorry you have had to deal with this shit behaviour too.
I get so down because I get it from them and my ex oh too. He is being so nasty right now.
Hoping 2016 is going to bring some happiness.

Hissy Thu 24-Dec-15 08:06:39

There are plenty of people like you and me. Most abuse victims in fact. We get taught to expect to be treated badly.

Draw a line. Refuse to engage with ex unless he can be civil or respectful. Otherwise don't even answer the phone. Just let it ring (remove voicemail) and text him later.

You have to carve out your life, their presence in it weakens you... That's why they never stop with the crap.

Come over to the stately homes thread? This time of the year is the hardest for dysfunctional families, but you are choosing to break the cycle. Your kids won't have toxic relations. You're saving them from that.

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