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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Good will to all men???

31 replies

RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 00:15

Since October, I have been buying things for my kids for xmas. Many times I asked my DH to sit down with me and discuss what to get but it never happened, so I did what I usually do and ordered a lot online, knowing I could return what we don't need. So, finally I get him to look at the stuff and he says its all fine, "leave it as it is now". As usual no discussion or opinions shared, just instructing me what to do. But its not fine. I have overbought for one child, so she has more in her stocking than the other. So the sensible choices are buy more for the other one, or return stuff that is not needed. I suggested these options to my DH, but he said to leave it as it is because it doesn't matter. So I mulled this over for a couple of days, and went back to him and said, I am going to return three of the presents that are extra, as I have over-bought. So he raises his voice to a level that the kids will easily hear (ie. shouting - but apparently not in his book!) and says, "No, you bought those presents for your daughters stocking, and now you want to take them away from her and send them back". So I point out that I deliberately buy too much, so that I can look at the stuff and choose what to keep. At this point he just got nasty, mimicking my voice and continuing to talk up about how I am not being honest etc. I mean why is it such a big deal??? He could not give a shit about what I was buying before now, and I saved all year to enable us to buy the presents. He never listens to me at all. Every time I try to discuss anything or give my opinion he just shouts me down and tells me what to do. AIBU? I am aware that this is a stressful time of year for me, and probably most women. Is this what all men do? Am I just oversensitive???

OP posts:

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Imbroglio · 23/12/2015 00:18

No this is not what most men do.

Sorry you are having a shit time.

Tartypants · 23/12/2015 00:19

He doesn't care what his kids get at Christmas as long as he doesn't have to think about it, which he is too selfish to do. Apparently not all of them are like this.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/12/2015 00:24

DH has little say in the gift buying, but he will buy something he thinks they will like. This year DS has 15 gifts and DD2 has 12 DD 1 had 7, so i showed DH and he agreed that DD1 needed a few more. He took the kids for a hot chocolate while I shopped, just cheap stocking fillers and then he went and brought 2 more.
No big drama.
I wouldnt put up with that crap, and he knows it.

RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 00:27

I don't know. He cared enough to go out and buy them a present each which he plans to give them just from him. I only found out when my older daughter told me. All the bloody effort spent on my part sorting everything out. I feel like he just wants to trump me at the last minute!!

OP posts:

RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 00:29

What would you do then?

OP posts:

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/12/2015 00:30

Noooo.... thats awful. All our gifts are joint. I decided what to buy took hints and he paid half. I found, wrapped, hid, sorted, bit its still joint.
Whats he brought? Have you asked him?

RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 00:35

Yes. I said to him about it and he's bought them some glass models of animals, which they will love. So I said that's fine, now that I know this, I will give them the rugs I had bought them just from me. I am trying not to make a big deal out of things. I nearly walked away from the relationship this year, but decided to stay and try to make things work. Its not really going so well but I want to be sure that I have tried, and not made a fuss about silly little things, hence why I post on here instead!!!

OP posts:

RomComPhooey · 23/12/2015 00:39

It doesn't sound like a very healthy or equitable relationship.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 23/12/2015 09:10

Hang on, you're a married couple living under the same roof and he buys them something "just from him" but leaves all the other presents totally your responsibility? That doesn't sound normal to me. Also don't like how he behaved RE the presents you bought. I don't think you're making a fuss over nothing Rita.

MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2015 09:39

Do you always ask his permission to do things? Like why were you asking him if you should send things back if you knew that was what you wanted to do and you had bought the things? He's acting like an idiot and I wouldn't be happy with that sort of behaviour but I also can't understand why you would need his say so in the first place.

Do you need his permission for lots of other stuff, too?

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 09:53

This is bonkers.

pocketsaviour · 23/12/2015 09:59

OP, it sounds like you feel your DH is "in charge" of making all decisions in the household, even relatively minor ones like sending back gifts that are unneeded.

Do you feel like he is the boss? What do YOU get to make decisions about?

LineyReborn · 23/12/2015 10:00

Mimicking your voice / things you are saying, is really dreadful behaviour. On top of his solo present labelling, he sounds like he's completely up himself.

I'm very sorry for you.

RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 11:36

Thanks for your replies. I decided a while ago that he was emotionally abusive towards me and that I would leave him, but it proved too difficult, plus I doubted myself and still think that maybe it is me. Therefore, I am trying to make things work. I think that what I have learned from this is that I will in future make decisions on my own and stick with them, because its a waste of time trying to discuss anything with him. When I am unsure and need to talk something through, he thinks I just need telling the solution. I don't think he is the boss, nor me, however it is impossible to discuss anything with him in a pleasant manner, so one of us has to manage things, he doesn't bother, so I will sort things from now on. I think its the only way. I am going to even out the stockings and send the surplus back. Decision made. F him!

OP posts:

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 12:03

Your "trying to make things work" but he isn't. He isn't changing his behaviour to make you happier. It sounds like to me that you would be a lot happier without him.

Just do what you want with the presents ignore his orders, don't ever ask his opinion in the future if that's how he's going to act... like a pathetic abusive boy.

kittybiscuits · 23/12/2015 12:09

You are right he is very emotionally abusive. You are doing exactly the right thing. Start thinking for yourself and making your own decisions. He has nothing helpful to contribute at all.

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 15:14

I would leave him, but it proved too difficult

It may be difficult, but it's not too difficult.

cailindana · 23/12/2015 15:25

My DH made a list of things he would like to play with he thinks the kids would like, showed it to me and we discussed it, then he went and bought all of it.

But that's irrelevant. It doesn't matter who does the buying. What matters is that there's love and respect in a relationship. And there's none in yours, so it has to end.

Justdisappointed · 23/12/2015 15:26

Yes, this is what all men do. We overthink it, they don't care

Joysmum · 23/12/2015 15:42

Yes, this is what all men do. We overthink it, they don't care

I'm sorry that's been your experience but you're wrong. A few might be like that but certainly not all or even most.

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 15:53

Yes, this is what all men do. We overthink it, they don't care

I too am sorry to hear that your experience of men is that they don't care.

pocketsaviour · 23/12/2015 15:58

Just that is nowhere near my experience. I'm sorry if you have found that.

I have only ever had one partner who behaved like OP's H, he was an abusive shit and I left him, thanks to support from friends.

No man I know would refuse to discuss something like kid's presents with their partner, then start dictating at the last minute what was going to get given. And the solo label thing I can't understand at all. Very odd.

OP the problem with you "really trying" to make the marriage work is that it's you doing all the compromising, pushing down your own needs and wants, and accepting being spoken to so disrespectfully. What lesson does that teach your DC about how they should be treated, and treat their partners, in relationships?

You said you found leaving "too difficult" and I don't think anyone will argue that it can be very difficult and frightening to break free from an abusive man, but there are many ways that can happen. What specifically did you find the highest hurdle? Financial? Moving house? Ramped up abuse from him?

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RitaOra2 · 23/12/2015 19:05

In reply, I suppose the biggest hurdle was financial and trying to manage it all on my own because he refused to come to mediation or discuss anything, of course, and there's so much else to deal with. So he said sorry and how nice it would be for the kids if we stayed together. And I thought, hey, its a lot easier to stay, I will give it 6 months and reassess. I cant help but think I sometimes deserve his rudeness, and that I will just piss off every man I meet in the same way anyway!

OP posts:

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 24/12/2015 13:44

"I cant help but think I sometimes deserve his rudeness"

What makes you think that?

Seeyounearertime · 24/12/2015 13:54

I choose gifts, GF has opinion on them.
GF chooses gifts and I have an opinion on them.
When our opinions tally we buy the gifts, I buy them but its our money.

Any other way is madness and if he repeatedly has no opinion, doesn't care, why keep asking? Tell him to feck orf and just do what you want.

Ways with all the over ordering and returning nonsense?
I know you'd get refunded but jeez it sounds like a faff. Make lists, ask his opinion, if he says nothing, buy the lists.

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