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Reunited with my ex- fiance but he can't accept I have a child

(102 Posts)
NicolaLesley123 Tue 22-Dec-15 21:59:08

Hi all

I am 41 years of age and have recently met up with my ex-fiancé for a drink and a catch up and now I am feeling in despair as he has told me that he doesn't know whether we can try again as I have a child (to another man).

I met him when I was 26 and he was 25. At that time he had a good day-job but also worked the doors. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and I think he felt much the same way as on our first date he proposed. Even though it was a jokey proposal and we were both a bit drunk he told me that he was going to marry me.

Given his commitment to his night time job I felt I spent the first year of our relationship having snatched time with him where I was competing with him working the door and spending time with his friends who worked with him. He was using cocaine at the time quite a lot at the weekends and I wondered where this would lead. I seemed to spend my life nagging him and telling him I wanted him to come off the door, stop using drugs etc etc.

After a couple of years together, and him coming off the door (but not the weekend cocaine) he moved in with me and he proposed (properly this time!!). We started planning a wedding and we were a few months from getting married when I ended the relationship. The trigger was me getting home from work and seeing that he had already used cocaine. I said I had had enough of listening to my own voice nagging and that I needed a break. I moved out for a couple of weeks during which time I decided that I couldn't marry a person who had a coke habit. I really wanted kids but just had a nagging doubt that he wasn't the right person due to his lifestyle.

To cut a long story short we split up; he met me to talk about it and I remember he was crying and upset but I felt nothing. I think I was just so angry and fed up that I had turned myself cold towards him.

I met someone else really quickly and within a year I was pregnant. We split up when my son was still a young baby.

Following that I had long periods of being single combined with "dates". I had a few short-term relationships which amounted to nothing as I didn't feel the love as I had with my ex-fiance. I was with someone for a couple of years however I can truly say I don't know why as I didn't love him and think I was just lonely and fed up of meeting men who were callous.

My ex-fiancé got in touch with me through Facebook on a couple of occasions over the years. We chatted a bit and then it faded out. To be honest we had a bit of a Facebook fallout as I had put a comment on my status about me having used up my quota of decent men when I was in my twenties and he responded to it with a comment which made me feel he was enjoying my upset. I responded to his comment saying that being single was better than settling for second best.

Anyway, we have recently been talking again and we met up on Saturday afternoon. I insisted before we met that I didn't want anything aside from friendship however when I was with him I wanted to be with him again. He has stopped the cocaine (and did so years ago) and has concentrated on his day-job and as a result has started his own business. He is doing really well and I saw the man I fell in love with. I felt like crying at different points throughout our "date" as I was sad we had thrown it all away those years ago.

The date didn't end too well as he said he only had an hour left as he had arranged to meet friends and I took that as rejection and stormed out. Very childish I know but I have had rejection in one form or another over the years and felt really vulnerable. We have since sorted that issue out - he told me he made plans as I had insisted that we should be friends and nothing more.

We have spoken since by text and over the phone. However he has said that we need to be cautious as I left him broken hearted last time and he doesn't want to go through it again. He also told me he was very annoyed that I had had someone else's child. He doesn't know how he feels about that (he has had girlfriends over the years but never got married or had a child). He also said he had never been out with anyone who has kids.

I have explained that I made a mistake with the choice of my son's father but could never regret having my son as he's my life. To be fair to my ex though I am not sure I could accept him having a child with someone else. In this instance though, if he had have had a child it would have put us on a level playing field and he would be more accepting of my position.

I have suggested the odd day to see him again so we can talk things through; he said he wants to meet me again but hasn't been agreeable to the dates I've suggested, saying he has plans already, busy with work etc etc. I feel lonely and desperate to get him back. I think I probably feel even worse as it's Christmas and I don't have a close relationship with my family so I am contemplating on being alone for much of the break.

How to I persuade my ex to accept my situation and try again with me or is there too much history between us which means it will never work? I would really love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

Thanks and sorry for going on.

Nik xx

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 22:01:27

You are seriously going to try and make it work with a dick that resents your child ?

You must be very desperate

AnthonyPandy Tue 22-Dec-15 22:02:41

I read the title and made my decision based on that. It didn't change once I read the whole thing. You have a child, he can't accept it so that's that. He's a shit. You will regret it for a long time if you get together and your child will regret it for longer than that.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 22-Dec-15 22:02:59

You don't persuade him. You run far away.

Fairylea Tue 22-Dec-15 22:04:11

You do realise that if you pursue this and manage to persuade him to give it a go he's going to hate your child!? Fuck that. Run and don't look back.

I'm a firm believer that exes are exes for a reason.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 22-Dec-15 22:05:17

Yes run fast now OP this is not good at all

BatsUpMyNightie Tue 22-Dec-15 22:07:31

You want him back for all the wrong reasons I'm afraid. Add to that your unreasonable behaviour in stomping off and acting like a spoilt child and his inability to accept your child - this cannot possibly end well.
I think you might need to do some work on yourself before you're ready for a full time committed permanent relationship. It might also be worth remembering that most things that are in the past are there for a reason.

CremeEggThief Tue 22-Dec-15 22:07:43

No future in this.

ottothedog Tue 22-Dec-15 22:07:48

Life is not a weird mills n boons style romance
This is never going to end happily

ImperialBlether Tue 22-Dec-15 22:08:42

Exactly what AF says. For god's sake, isn't your son your pride and joy? Would you really want some resentful twat in his life?

NicolaLesley123 Tue 22-Dec-15 22:11:19

He doesn't resent my child per-se but I think it's more the fact that I had a child so soon after breaking up with him, probably when he was still suffering after our break up. He probably thinks I'm pretty callous for that, and perhaps I was for moving on so quickly. I won't EVER EVER start over with him if he could not accept my situation. My son comes first and always has done (probably that is why I never settled down with anyone as no-one was good enough to be his father-figure). I'm just feeling pretty sad and part of me wishes I hadn't met up with him again as these feelings wouldn't be been re-ignited!

LaurieFairyCake Tue 22-Dec-15 22:15:01

You didn't break up with him

You had to leave a coke addict who was utterly selfish for your own sanity

You have terrible taste in men and it's not better for you now and nor do you make better decisions - he is utterly pointless and just as selfish as before.

If you go back to him it's one further shitty decision.

thanksthanksthanks don't do it

Costacoffeeplease Tue 22-Dec-15 22:15:06

What's the point, where will this relationship go? He sounds very immature and/or controlling - are you supposed to have sat at home alone for the last decade? Bin and move on

redgoat Tue 22-Dec-15 22:15:55

I'm with everyone else.

Run like the wind. Your son deserves better than a step dad who already resents him and he's not even in his life yet. You will fuck your child's mind up.

I think you're feeling extra vulnerable because it's Christmas but you and your son have each other.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 22:16:04

What would you do if just one person on this thread thinks this is a good idea ?

5678group Tue 22-Dec-15 22:16:16

Run for the hills.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 22-Dec-15 22:17:31

He will forever treat your child in that way, and hold over you that you 'dared' to have a child with someone else. That is awful for two reasons. Firstly because your child deserves love, kindness and respect. And secondly he doesn't get to punish you for having a life he wasn't a part of; that is twisted in so many ways.

Really - block all forms of contact with this man, do not speak to him any more, and move on with your life.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 22-Dec-15 22:19:17

For your son's sake, please, don't even go there. Your son needs you, not to be pushed in to second place by a man who resents him - because that is what will happen, even if you try and kid yourself it won't.

BolshierAryaStark Tue 22-Dec-15 22:20:31

Nope can't think of one reason why you'd want to make a relationship work with this fuckwit, sorry.

annandale Tue 22-Dec-15 22:22:24

He said he thought it would be strange to go out with someone with a child, because he thinks a mother would be bound to put her child ahead of him, which he doesn't want.

Prove him right. Walk away. Nothing but misery for your son can come of this encounter, and most likely for you too.

You know that line in Tootsie where his agent says to Dustin Hoffman 'Oh my God, I begged you to get some therapy'. I'm thinking the same thing about you. Put your son first and avoid relationships for a while, if he really is your life.

category12 Tue 22-Dec-15 22:23:15

It's really fucking weird to have a problem with you as a 41 yr old woman, having a child already. Did he expect you to have no life in between? Ridiculous.

This is not the culmination of a grand romance, this is melodrama.

Finallyonboard Tue 22-Dec-15 22:24:40

He can't accept your child, but you want him back? Come on, you must be able to see that's not going to work.

kilmuir Tue 22-Dec-15 22:26:30

who does he think he is?
you and your child are worth more than this surely

NicolaLesley123 Tue 22-Dec-15 22:28:06

I have asked the question because I have tried to imagine how I would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Admittedly I might be a bit unhappy, jealous, insecure (you get my drift) if we had have split up and within a year he had got someone else pregnant. Whilst I would not resent his child, I might resent the idea of him moving on so quickly while I was in a bad emotional state.

I'm getting that the general consensus is run for the hills though!!! I'm a very strong, independent woman and perfectly able to cope without a man smile
I think I will feel so much better about things in general when this next week is over!

suzannecaravaggio Tue 22-Dec-15 22:28:48

He also told me he was very annoyed that I had had someone else's child

is he for real??
does he think he has lifelong rights to dictate what you do

he's a coke using meathead isnt he?
Alpha male in the very worst sense of the word, a goon, very bad news

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