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Will he ever propose to me???

(463 Posts)
Chareen92 Tue 22-Dec-15 17:39:54

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

MidnightVelvetthe4th Tue 22-Dec-15 18:55:53

OP you've posted this in Bloggers Chat & its unlikely to get answered in here so I'm going to ask MNHQ to move it to another topic where it get more replies smile

If it that's important then propose to him instead? The days when women lay around weeping & wailing over non existant proposals is gone! Ask him yourself & if he declines then think about your plan for buggering off. I think you have hit the nail on the head when you said its excuses, if there's no good reason why he's not proposed til now then chances are he doesn't want to & that's that wine

EmmanuelleMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 22-Dec-15 19:17:01

Hi there OP,

We're going to move this to the Relationships topic, where you will hopefully get more replies.

timelytess Tue 22-Dec-15 19:30:26

OP, I'm sorry. You've been misled by society into thinking you can live with a man and have his children, let him string you along and be cruel to you about the ring for years, and there will still be 'engagement', a ring and a big wedding at the end of it. The difficult part is that for some people there is and how are you to know whether that will be you, or not?

Put the ring and wedding out of your mind. Think about your relationship and the future for you and your children. Base your decisions on that, not on the hope of rings. Do you really want to buy a house with a man who won't marry you?

Its too late to go back. You have children. You can establish a life with them and without him, but you won't be a young girl poised ready for a diamond ring and a white dress - you'll be a woman with responsibilities. Personally, I think that would be a much better plan for you, but only you know the truth. You could stay with him and make the best of it, but is it worth it, is it setting a good example to your children?

pocketsaviour Tue 22-Dec-15 19:32:06

Aren't leap years supposed to be traditionally the woman's chance to propose, or something?

I would ask him to marry you and give him a specific timeframe, e.g. "next spring" - have a ring for him and everything ready. If he keeps blagging you on about "it's the wrong time" or "I've got no money" then sadly you will know that he doesn't want to marry you, and it's time to cut your losses and move on.

What's your current living situation, are you renting?

WickedWax Tue 22-Dec-15 19:35:23

So what actually happens when you're out ring shopping? How does it come about that you're out shopping, twice, for a ring but don't actually come home with one? confused

Lweji Tue 22-Dec-15 19:36:37

If marriage (not a wedding) is important to you, then forget rings and proposals and just agree on a date and do it.
You live together and have children, so it's hardly Pride and Prejudice territory.
Do consider your financial and legal security even if you continue to live together. And what advantages (or not) marriage can have.
If he still won't want marriage, consider why and if you want to stay in that relationship.

AuntieStella Tue 22-Dec-15 19:37:10

If he really wanted to be married, the detail of a proposal really shouldn't be an inhibiting factor.

Have you actually agreed to marry?

Holding out for the perfect proposal is a nice romantic fantasy, but it might never happen.

It may however be important to be married, especially if you have taken a career hit during the child-producing years.

Only facilitate his buying a house if you are a joint owner. If he recoils, then think hard about whether you can live with no financial security.

usual Tue 22-Dec-15 19:38:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick Tue 22-Dec-15 19:40:56

I don't understand why you're waiting for him to propose. What kind of picture do you have in your head?

Sparkletastic Tue 22-Dec-15 19:41:05

Your mental deadline sounds like a good plan. Don't contribute to a house that only he will own.

kickassangel Tue 22-Dec-15 19:42:42

Tell him that if he won't get married then you want all possible legal documents drawn up to protect you. See if you can find out from a local solicitor if you can get a quote for all the paperwork to give you the best possible protection, the closest to actually being married.

Sit down with him and tell him that as a partner and father he does have responsibility to care for the people he loves, and at the moment he is leaving his kids facing a very uncertain future should anything happen to him (not just splitting up, but if he's in a serious accident etc). Does he really hate his kids so much that he's willing to see them homeless rather than sign some paperwork?

Sorting this out is a bit of a faff, but important for you and his kids. Marriage is a quicker and easier way, and can be done very quickly and quietly (and cheaply) if he doesn't want a fuss. But atm you and the kids are really vulnerable.

In the meantime, keep your savings separate from his. Keep copies of his pay slips, keep evidence of how you contribute financially to the household.

LineyReborn Tue 22-Dec-15 19:43:41

Can you tell us a bit more about the ring shopping? Why did you go ring shopping? Why did you not buy a ring?

Lweji Tue 22-Dec-15 19:45:09

Do you have your own income?

magoria Tue 22-Dec-15 19:48:45

If he won't marry you please make sure your finances and wills are sorted out to protect you and the DC in case the worse happens.

Also make sure the finances are nailed down before buying a house together and your share is recognised and legally protected. Also that there is some protection for you over his share if he does so you cannot be made to sell and leave to give a share to any one he leaves it too.

wannaBe Tue 22-Dec-15 19:52:34

Apart from the lack of a proposal, are there other issues in your relationship which mean that you are inclined to want to leave? Because while on the whole I am a believer in marriage, and would want to be married to my partner, and want him to be married to me, at the point you have children it stops being just about you, and the implications of walking away from a relationship for the sake of the lack of a ring are huge and will impact on your children as well as you.

I understand that you want to be married. But tbh this is something you should really have thought about before you had children with someone who didn't want to be married to you.

Before you had children you had the option of walking away and finding someone who could give you the romantic proposal, the ring, the wedding, and the subsequent marriage. But while you might well meet someone who would want to marry you, that now comes at a price.

You need to think about what it is you're considering before setting a deadline in your head by which time you're going to leave. Being a single parent to two small children. Having to give up every other Christmas, birthday, every other weekend as well as days in the week for them to spend with their father. Having another woman be stepmother to your children (go and have a read of the step parenting boards and think about whether you want that for your children). And there are no guarantees that you will meet someone who wants to marry you and become a step parent to your children. Is the lack of marriage really worth all that?

You need to talk to your DP and explain to him exactly how you feel. But setting a deadline in your head by which point you want to leave is unfair and doesn't indicate a great amount of communication in your relationship as it is. If he's a bastard and being apart from him will benefit you and your dc then leave. but if this really just is about the lack of a proposal then you need to communicate about how you actually feel before you rush headlong into something which has far reaching implications.

ItchyArmpits Tue 22-Dec-15 19:58:48

Why do you want to get being married?

How do you see marriage as being different to what you have now?

category12 Tue 22-Dec-15 20:00:41

Make sure wills and finances are secure and you are protected. If he's unwilling to do even that, then you know it's not about marriage, it's about lack of commitment to a mutual future.

TheRadiantAerynSun Tue 22-Dec-15 20:01:13

Don't have a mental deadline in your head; have a conversation.

If you want to get married say, "I want to get married." and decide what to do after based on if he agrees or not.

If you want to get married and you wont continue the relationship without it say, "I want to get married and I wont continue this relationship without it." and if he says no, leave.

I've got no time for proposals; I don't find them romantic. Why does he get to unilaterally decide when the time is right? A grown up conversation about the future between equals is much more romantic.

kogasa Tue 22-Dec-15 20:01:32

Bit of a jump to suggest he hates his kids just because he hasn't married OP yet.

Mince314 Tue 22-Dec-15 20:03:22

I agree with timelylass's post, but that being the status quo, what do you do next? You do have the power to make some decisions.

I was in your shoes once and I had to decide that I couldn't sink another minute in to feathering his nest. It was difficult but I left. (Now I'm so, so glad, but that doesn't take away from how hard it was at the time).

If you believe the relationship is good, then it's worth being honest about what YOU want. It's ok to have an agenda. It's perfectly acceptable for you to have a life plan. What you wanted was x, y or z. Say it out loud. Remind yourself that he has structured this family unit in a way that has suited him. Ie, how he wants, together but not married. Why therefore is it not ok for you to be upfront about what you want.

Put it to him one more time; bluntly. This is what I want. Be unapologetic about it.

Either he will acknowledge that what you're asking for isn't at all unreasonable and he will take legal steps to protect you financially or he will want to get married to you too.

If he wants to continue with the relationship as it is, ie, a situation that suits him, costs him nothing in terms of risk, or sharing or compromising, then be strong. You can no longer afford to invest your time and your energy and your labour in to the relationship.

I left and after 8 years of feathering somebody else's nest, paying their council tax, paying for groceries etc.... it took me a long time to recover financially, but luckily due to a change in circumstances I in a much better situation now and I do not regret leaving him for a second.

Chareen92 Tue 22-Dec-15 20:08:12

I'm a dental nurse and he is a web developer so there is no money issues, the first time he took me ring shopping was when out lo was just over one. Randomly walking past a shop and he stops and points some out I try some on and nothing of that. The second time he took me was mutual we was going to pick out one and I also decided it was time for another baby and he gave me the option of the baby or the ring. Of course I choose the baby. But he knew exactly which one I wanted as he had pictures on his phone when I tried them on. But again nothing came from that. Just years of waiting. He knows how much I want this but just seems too selfish to do it. Maybe he's scared I don't know. We went for a meal a few weeks ago on our 6th anniversary and was a really posh exspenive place he got all dressed u
Up and I though for definite he would propose then but no. He could see the disappointment in my face. Basically I ruined our anniversary and we ended on an argument and he said he wish he could of done it because it would of been a perfect night. But he's just always on about money for a house. Like he's just said if I haven't got enough towards the deposit when he wants to buy a house then we can go our separate ways. I'm trying to help but he is on a lot more money than me and he practically gets double my wage so I know he's putting a lot away for house but the fact last mont he went out just like that and brought a 1000 pound Mac for work at home. I don't want an expensive ring. But it is defo important to me my childhood wasn't the best I have seen so many men in and out of my mums like. Never a proper family unit and I think that's what I'm craving 😔

WickedWax Tue 22-Dec-15 20:14:03

When exactly did he give you the option of a baby or a ring? While you were in the shop trying them on?

Having read your update, hell will freeze over before this man marries you. Sorry.

Mince314 Tue 22-Dec-15 20:15:15

You didn't ruin your anniversary night.

The problem is that you're apologetic about wanting what you want.

Stop apologising for wanting to get married. Be upfront about it. I agree with the poster who said that before you have a private deadline after which you'll leave, sit down and tell him as calmly as you possibly can that you want to get married. That's what YOU want. You can't make him want that too. But what you can do is to plan your future according to his truthful answer and that's what you need at this stage. I do think it sounds like he's fobbing you off a bit. Maybe that's not the case. If you do get engaged focus more on the wedding plans and booking the church or register office than 'the ring'.

Don't put words in his mouth. When you ask him to be truthful about what he wants be as silent as you can be. You get more answers that way.

If it turns out he doesn't want the same as you then at least you have the power to choose not to do more than 50% of the childcare for example, not to do any wifework, not to invest any more time or money or energy in to the home that belongs to him.

Finally, that self-consciousness about not being a ''proper family unit'' I think I felt that the most intently when the children were really small. Now I'm proud of my independence, I love the quirky intelligent characters my children have become. We're us. We're not the Waltons. so be it.

gamerchick Tue 22-Dec-15 20:16:20

So if you don't cough up the required amount when HES ready to buy a house you're dumped?

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