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Mistrust Central

(83 Posts)
Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 10:09:20

Never name changed before but have decided to for this.

Have been with Dp for almost 8 years and have a 5yo dd. we own house jointly.

It's been a rough ride in many ways in last couple of years two miscarriages one quite late.

Near the beginning I found stuff on his phone. Dirty pics of ex other bits I wasn't happy with. I also found a few things in his car ....glo sticks....huge amounts of tissues etc and he admitted that he had occasionally been dogging prior to our relationship. 'Voyerism and spectating' as he put it. I called it a day.

Following a huge campaign for months of daily flowers and cards and letters of apology I let this man back in my life. He had a sexual health check and things were never great, always had worry that he might still hide things. I found profiles be it old ones on hook up type sites I read messages nothing that indicated he had met up with anyone but he had never deleted them. We had counselling following this.

This was all years ago but it's always been in the back of my mind that he has the ability to lie.

We have had counselling he's gone along but doesn't seem that receptive. He's a closed book ever since I discovered his 'secret' years ago.

On Wednesday we had a wonderful night away with dd planned. As he was loading the boot of his car I noticed a carrier bag and in it were a pair of old trousers 'uniform' ones. I asked what they were doing in his car and he said he didn't really know must be from when we cleared stuff out of garage a few months ago. We did sort out a load of old uniform etc. they had a couple of marks on them. Nothing really ominous but a couple of small marks. For some reason I lifted the carpet base of his boot and on top of the spare wheel I found another pair identical and folded up. Again a couple of marks. I have a feeling these were trousers we sorted out a few months ago. It appears to me that he's hidden them in his boot. Denies he knew they were there.

He says he will get them tested and proove that the stains aren't semen. I requested he have a sexual health check. He was appalled that I could even suggest that he had been elsewhere. He went along and did this. I'm worried that they may be there, as he has been doing or intends to do what he has done in the past.

I took my daughter on her Christmas treat alone and he refuses to move out. His ds was coming for Christmas and I've cancelled her coming as finding the charade too hard to continue.

He's a fantastic dad no other changes in habits always rather be with family than out. Always wants to be with us. I don't feel there has been affairs I just worry about this seedy side and I hate the thought of being lied to again.

I am early 40's and he's 10 years older.

Don't think I've ever done such s lengthy post. Thanks for reading.

For the first time ever I'm on tablets. Just to get through Christmas. Feeling really anxious. Any help greatly appreciated.

category12 Tue 22-Dec-15 10:18:05

It's a bit fishy: the trousers hidden. (As an aside, how and who is going to test trouser stains?!)

But it's irrelevant really, just a tipping point - truth is, you don't trust him and never will.

It's no way to live.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Tue 22-Dec-15 11:09:48

Actions speak louder than words. You say he doesn't go out much, and wants to stay in with you and DD. I really don't think he's up to anything! If he was, he would be disappearing at night, or making silly excuses to go out at 11pm. He's not doing that, is he?

You have got to let go of the past. We've all got a past and it can't be erased. I think it hasn't crossed his mind to get rid of the trousers. I had some sexy stuff , from a previous relationship - stuff that my DH wouldn't be in to. It lay in my wardrobe for years and years, until I had a clear out and took it to the tip. No doubt if he had found it, he would have thought I was up to something, which I very much was not!!

Sometimes people indulge in certain sexual behaviour when they are lonely, stuff that they are happy to leave behind in favour of a loving relationship.

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius Tue 22-Dec-15 11:52:20

I think you have to decide how you feel about him as a person. If you now feel that what has gone on has changed the way you feel about him fundamentally then it's all no good. If you still love him and want a future with him, you have to try and find a way to move forward. The trousers in the car deliberately put where they were seems a little odd though. I can see why you are suspicious. Does he have the sort of job where he could get illicit jollies during the day (van driver type thing) or at lunch time (everyone else as well as van drivers) Your spidey senses are in overload mode but I would be the same in your shoes. Sorry not v helpful.

CatMilkMan Tue 22-Dec-15 12:31:27

If his past is a deal breaker just end the relationship, living with no trust isn't good for anyone.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 22-Dec-15 12:40:20

I know exactly how you feel. You want to put it behind you but you really can't and I'm not sure anyone could. My dh was lunatic sex addict and couldn't get past it and became lunatic detective.
My advice would be to put it out of your mind for Xmas if you can and then decide what you want your future to be. Think about you.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 22-Dec-15 12:43:26

Also why is he a closed book? He should have taken the chance to open up after your forgiveness.
Take a good hard look at the future in the new year. Mistrust is no way to live.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 22-Dec-15 12:50:36

Maybe you haven't got over the shock of what he did and with him being a closed book it was never resolved for you. So it comes out in different ways. I know it did with me. Ads were the best thing I ever did. Never bothers me anymore as you can live your own life and become unstuck from the horror of discovering secret lives.
It's up to him really to support you and if he doesn't detach. Detach. Detach.
Not sure what trousers means but it does seem odd.
Main thing is don't let it completely ruin your Xmas. Do the right thing by dcs then you won't look back and feel guilty.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 12:58:13

You don't trust him

No trust, no relationship

RealityCheque Tue 22-Dec-15 13:44:48

I took my daughter on her Christmas treat alone and he refuses to move out.

Charming. Why should he move out?

His ds was coming for Christmas and I've cancelled her coming

You sound lovely.

You need to get over the past or separate.

Jan45 Tue 22-Dec-15 16:58:52

Eugh, dogging - I'd never be with a man that partook in this seedy activity in the first place but hey, you did, I don't think he's trustworthy OP, the trousers, the past, his nature really is to seek out sexual thrills, can't imagine him being happy to sit indoors with wife and child.

He's clearly lying about the trousers.

I think you know yourself he can't be trusted and this is why you are reacting this way.

You've already had counselling and he's a closed book - sorry but that would imply to me he has secrets, it seems he's put you through it and tbh I'd call it a day and find someone that's more up your street so to speak.

Jan45 Tue 22-Dec-15 17:00:54

Oh I forgot the hook up sites - I mean really, is he worth all this angst.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 17:32:32

Nope. No one is.

Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 17:37:39

Thanks so much for all the replies.

I guess his past should have been a deal breaker, considering I struggle with trust issues anyway. I've always had the feeling of when I discovered something it was just pushed further under stones.

He travels with work in I guess what you would call a high profile type of job but certainly when he's here he's 100 percent here never making excuses not to be etc. He cuts trips short etc to get home as early as possible. Always his doing.

He has a different upbringing than I. Boarding school from 6....huge family dramas always a daredevil in his youth. Adrenaline junkie type I guess you would say. Very 'more tea vicar' type of family whereas I like to get things out there in the open.

Thanks for the advice of getting through Christmas I certainly don't want to make things awkward for dd and family at this time.

The counsellor talks of drawing a line under things and starting a fresh but I'm terrified of giving incase there is more to discover.

Guess I'm waffling. AF you are right there is huge mistrust and it sure ain't getting better. We only have a tiny family I so wanted it to work.

Jan I almost always agree with your posting and there is certainly truth in there. I feel angry with myself as well as him. I should never have compromised my beliefs.

To answer the question re testing the trousers.... I guess the definitive would be if there is Semen on them then I have 100 percent proof as far as I am concerned. He has contacted a legal company I believe that can get this kind of thing done at great expense.

Thanks for all the posts I've read them all and will re read again.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 18:04:40

If these trousers don't have semen on them would that make it ok ?

Stop wasting your life on this defective man.

Sadsanta75 Tue 22-Dec-15 18:13:30

Men who have extreme sexual tastes and let's face it, dogging is fairly extreme, in my opInion will always be on the look out for that next fix. Sex is like a drug and the habit needs feeding.

Fionajsd Tue 22-Dec-15 18:14:16

I think you need to decide if you can move past what's happened or not. You can continue for the rest of your life worrying every time he's out , you can't make him be faithful only he can do that.
You need to either draw a line and move on completely or separate , living like this will destroy you eventually xx

Duckdeamon Tue 22-Dec-15 18:20:34

Why stay with him? You don't trust him, which seems understandable! Especially since you don't know much about his sexuality and actions because he's a "closed book" and you've both brushed it under the carpet.

He travels for work so could be doing whatever he likes. Returning early means nothing if he has plenty of opportunity for cheap thrills while away.

Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 18:25:49

No it wouldn't make it ok to be honest. I'd just fear that they were in there 'just in case'.

The dogging years ago he described as a voyeuristic spectator type thing. Vile.

Fine if you are single or in a relationship where it floats your boat. It certainly doesn't float mine.

He Swears on our daughters life he left that behind years ago.

I'm not 100 percent convinced.

He certainly doesn't hide phones etc and to be honest I'm not going down that route of searching for stuff.

I'm finding all this so degrading as it is.

Thanks for all your comments

Truth in every single one.

I'm hanging in there for Christmas at moment. I almost feel a detachment is imminent.

Fionajsd Tue 22-Dec-15 18:31:06

Have you tried counselling on your own ? X

lavenderhoney Tue 22-Dec-15 18:31:26

Is he going to spend Christmas with his dd elsewhere if you won't let him spend time with his dd at home? That's quite a huge thing to do to a child ( or adult dd) and your partner tbh. And your own dd-she must wonder about things too.

it sounds so mixed up and stressful and although you've already decided to split and now you want eveidence. What if it's not? Will you apologise? Pay him back the money? If you're unhappy, that's all the evidence you need.

Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 18:32:18

I certainly haven't 'brushed it under the carpet'

I have never done this. I've confronted every avenue of our troubles.

Relationships shouldn't be this difficult.

Feeling very angry at the moment.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 18:33:09

I feel for you, love.

Please work towards a happier life, without him.

Peace of mind is absolutely priceless.

Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 18:38:52

Fiona yes I have. I've been this afternoon actually I tend to go monthly but bought this forward. Feel my counsellor went beyond the realms of counselling today she even looked at the trousers in question!!

I have rethought since my session and reading the replies and some general reflection. We will spend Christmas Day together. He goes away on Boxing Day for a few days so will give me some time.

I do care about him. I only want to trust him. All I've ever wanted really. He's such a kind person in so many ways. Amazing provider loves his family time so obviously. I just fear this seedy voyeuristic side of his nature.

If we end up parting then I guess all the logistical stuff for the future hangs in the balance as everything will.

Firsteverchangeofname Tue 22-Dec-15 18:42:39

Thanks AF

To be honest I think I know deep down what will happen inevitably.

Dd adores him he is an absolutely hands on dad, brilliant in the house.

Trust is everything though
Breaks my heart.

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