I dont know what to do and need some guidance and hand holding(29 Posts)
I posted about my "Friend" a few weeks ago..I thought his behaviour was due to Bi Polar disorder but it became apparent it wasnt that, shortly after a friend of mine rang me up and said she believed that he had NPD and beged me to walk away, despite the stuff that I posted about happening, I still want back to him..
He terrifies me yet walking away feels like Ive gone cold turkey on a class a drug..Ive blamed myself for all his behaviour, I honestly dont know my own mind right now, the suff he has said to me..I struggle with..I ended up at the GPS on anti depressents two weeks ago after I hit an all time low and didnt realise why.
My friends say Ive been victim of a Narcopath..I dont know..all I know is that I wish I had never met him and I dont know how to move forward.
Back story : I met him on a dating site, he was stunningly beautiful with long hair, he was younger and I was flattered that someone like that had shown an interest in me. However he didnt arrange to meet but asked me to add him on fb, I noticed there were a lot of wome on there.
He messaged me after a few days of obviously checking out my profile then spent two weeks messaging me constantly..I noticed that he rarely asked about me but spent a lot of time complimenting me and talking about himself. He is a musician and spent a lot of time telling me about his muisc, then eventually initiated a meet, I was flattered I wont lie, yet I am an intelligent woman and chose to ignore the red flags.
I went to his, he made me lunch and talked at me for 2 hours, told me he didnt like people and hadnt seen anyone except his family and work for months. While I was there he demonised his childs mother which I thought was worrying and also went on about his sexual prowess, invited me round the next night , making it clear that as far as he was concerned if sex was on the cards that was fine by him but he didnt want anything serious..
I went round the next night and obviously the inevitable happened..he told me that he didnt do one night stands ad there would be a repeat performance, I stayed the night and he invited me back a few days later.
When I went back a few days later the next day he virtually threw me out of his house..it was bizarre, then proceeded to ignore me online for about two days..(he lives on fb when not at work)..He sporadically messaged me for the next week before inviting me round for coffee and then the cycle stared up again.
As time went on, he started asking me round more and more, he spoke about me as though I was his GF buying food in for me etc, I had a toothbrush in the bathroom, We started doing more things together, we would spend eves curled up on the sofa together, I stayed over with my daughter and spent time with him and his child...but...he was constantly reminding me it wasnt a relationship, we were not together.
He seemed to be in constant contact with other very young women on fb and almost flaunted his contact with them to me, he would tell me repeatedly that if he met someone else he wanted to have sex with, he would do it. One minute I seemed to be flavour of the month, next I was getting the silent treatment. Although it was a FWB arrangement, I didnt really understand what was going on as he seemed to move and blur the boundries and I lived in constant fear of being "dropped" for the next FWB.
When ever I asked him something like did he still want to get together or something he would be quite nasty, saying I was paranoid which was hurtful, he only ever referred to me as a friend and when we were out he would flirt with women in front of me and when we went away for the weekend he openly flirted with one of my friends.
i started to believe I was paranoid and stopped asking..but felt constantly anxious as he started clearing off at weekends and I was left biting my nails wondering what he was doing..if I ever asked him if he was sleeping with other women I would get the paranoia card again.
He told me another woman had been messaging and wanted to meet up, and got very angry talking about her. His relationship with his childs mother seemed to be very toxic,,he seemed to hate her and had no lasting relationships and didnt have a good word to say about any exes.
when ever I stayed over, he would usually kick me out next day and there was never an arrangement to see me again..sometimes he would expect me to hang around..saying his door was always open and his home was my home..I just never knew where I was with him.
The constant hot/cold silent treatment etc was exhausting then I went away abroad and he seemed very clingy..for the week before I went away..he took me to and from the airport and when I got back fussed over me saying how much he had missed me..then the next day virtually threw me out of the door.
I was totally bemused by his behaviour and called round there at the weekend, he was hostile and said he didnt want company, when I asked if I had done something wrong, he started yelling at me, slamming his fists down on the workstops and calling me a stupid paranoid bitch..saying why dont you listen to me..
I was frightened and left, two days ater he got in touch as though nothing had happened, during this time another of his female fb friends moved up to the area , I had spoken to her too and she implied to me that she would be getting into a relationship of sorts with him when she moved up..it all started to make sense. A week later he sent me a text asking me go round for coffee..I went and he was hostile, didnt really seem to want me there. I thought maybe it was an off day, so called round again the next, bearing in mind at the time I thought he had Bi Polar..he wouldnt even let me in the door.
When I got home he messaged me accusing me of being a stalker, I was gobsmacked.
The next day he was commenting on my fb and putting complimentary comments on my profile pics, the day after, he went to the other womans and spent the weekend there.
I went to his house an said I knew he had moved on and he totally denied saying yet again I was paranoid..then spent the next week telling me I was a nutjob, paranoid etc..I was beside myself..I realised that for the last few weeks he had been belittling me in fb messages and Id ignored it..then came the coffee invite.
Foolishly I went, I asked him straight out if the FWB arrangement was over and he just said it was irrelevant..denied anything with the other woman...and then told me he had never wanted me round, he hadnt wanted me to stay the night and that he had enough of me as I was in his face all the time and took the piss..I was devastated as Id only ever gone there on his invitation. He then had the cheek to talk about showing me something "the next time I came round ".
I fell apart, really believing I was all those things, Im beside myself that I dont see him anymore even though I know he was teating me badly..my friends say he is an abuser and I should block all contact with him..he is still on my fb and comments and likes all my stuff..I know should just delete..but its finding the strength to do it.
I have had to repair my friendships as he isolated me from my friends,
He still messages using the pet name he chose for me..I dont know what to do
Since then I have found out the whole time he was "seeing" me..he had been messaging other woman giving them the same lines, begging to meet..inc the woman HE claimed was pressing to meet him..it was all lies.everyone is saying I need to cut immediate contact ..
What do you want people on the internet to say?
Your friends say cut all contact.
I say cut all contact.
Every person who comments on here will say cut all contact.
There really is nothing else to say.
Need to find the strength? What other things do you have going on in your life besides this twat? Sounds like you love a bit of drama. Read a good book instead. Bin this idiot off, just block him and ffs stop going round to his house!
Delete him from Facebook, block his number.
It's that easy.
Your friends are right.
Unless you or your friends are mental health professionals, stop trying to diagnose his behaviour. It's not helpful and people without a genuine diagnosis are more than capable of hurting others.
This man made it clear he wanted a FWB Im sorry to say it, but the cosy cuddles and compliments don't mean anything. They were a means to an end. He dropped you when he got what he wanted, or had another offer, or wanted the thrill of the chase with a new woman.
It seems you want more than a FWB, so why are you settling for less? Why do you sleep with someone who lies to and insults you, even if they are younger and good looking?
He sounds like a complete twat and you are well rid. Cut contact, delete number, block on social media. You are actually already in a strong position; you can refuse to play his game and walk away with dignity. It feels shit now but it does and it will get better. Reconnect with friends, throw yourself into work, hobbies, whatever. Stay busy. Consider counselling even.
Your friends are right, and you need their support.
Beware of banging on and on about this unpleasant man. Your friends will get fed up of it.
Keep away from him and keep your DC away from him. Cut contact and start rediscovering who you are. Don't give him headspace. Be kind to yourself. But banish all thoughts of him.
This is going to be hard, you are addicted - the fact he runs hot and cold has only made you more invested in this.
There is only one way out of this mess, cold turkey. Block every way he has of messaging or contacting you - do it today and you don't need to message him to explain why, you owe him nothing.
You know that this is going nowhere, you are never going to have a real relationship with him, although you desperately want it. Staying in this relationship is only going to ruin your self esteem and cause you pain - the times where he decides to be nice do not make up for the majority of the time, where he acts like a shit.
I think you have him on a pedestal at the moment, you want to win him, you want him to choose you over all those other women. To the rest of the world he just looks like a pathetic saddo, desperately trying to get attention from as many women as possible.
Search for baggage reclaim and read "The No Contact Rule" by the same author - there's a lot of useful info in there, but most of all you need to WANT to cut contact, I don't think you are really there yet. My advice would be do it anyway and you will get there mentally a lot quicker. Good luck.
You lost me when you said you'd brought your child round to play happy families with his
I'm with changeoflife. You know what you need to do.
He is the CEO of red flags.
Is this really the sort of relationship you want?
No it isn't at all...and I knew it was never going to be more..the fact that he had obviously been looking for a replacement for me online almost from day one hurt as it showed me that even aa FWB I was just a stop gap till a better one cane along..he dropped me without warning as soon as soon as this other person moved to the area...as she was a better prospect. And then tells me he never wanted me around ..I've no desire to see him again..but it doesn't stop ut hurting and my self esteem us in my shoes He was the one that used to run after me..I foolishly thought it was because he cared..
Incidentally he has no RL friends but spends a lot if time on the Internet posting stuff in groups we are both members of..everyone treats him like he is some kind if guru and he portrays himself as not like other men..sympathetic to women etc..it's all crap..
Incidentally it was him that claimed to have bj polar. .I think it was made up..I found out he has a past history of violence. .I can't believe how gullible I was..I gave decided to enrol on thd freedom programme and am happy to say that today I have deleted and blocked his number and deleted and blocked both him and the woman he has taken up with from social media and it actually feels quite good..
Well done, op
May I respectfully suggest that you follow through with the Freedom Programme and do a lot of reading about abusive men that use our vulnerabilities to hook us in. Your self esteem must have been very low to tolerate the kind of treatment you have. No man is worth that.
Isn't this the guy who was chatting up a teenager on Facebook?
Well done on the deleting and blocking.
Yes sadly my self esteem was at rock bottom..time to work on me....and yes the same man who preys on younger women..
Well done, stay strong, you can do it. One day at a time...
Christ, you have dodged a bullet there
What on earth were you thinking ?
I have since found out he has a history of violence..I really don't know what I was thinking..tbh...except that I was totally taken in by his charm and his status...I was a bloody stupid naive idiot and he almost hit me the last time I was there
You have woken up now. That is the main thing. Don't waste any more time and headspace on him x
I was totally taken in by his charm and his status
Given the way he's treated you from the off, what 'charm' would that be? As for his 'status', he ranks alongside umpteen other lowlife lying thugs who have no compunction about hitting women but who scream like a girl if they're on the receiving end.
Don't be tempted to unblock him, tell him to fuck off or you'll call the police if he should appear on your doorstep, complete the Freedom Programme, and fgs get yourself tested for stds asap.
If you couldn't see the red flags flying over this charmless twat's head, or hear the alarm bells warning you against any sexual involvement with him, you have some very serious work to do on yourself before you even think about dating, ol or otherwise, again.
It's easier said than done. .initially he was very very charming and flattering and is well know in certain circles..I was sadly already hooked by the time He changed smartly.
I know I need to work on myself..I had dysfunctionctional parents..a narcissist mother and a father who battered me..my relationships have all broken down inc my marriage. .I seriously have never known live of kindness and continually chase people who treat me badly. .I'm seeing this now..I have no intention of ever dating again tbh..I need to work on living myself first..and sadly I don't. .
You went to dinner with a strange man and then took your child around? OP, you need a lot of help with your boundaries. You don't keep yourself safe and are a door mat.
^^ sorry didn't RTFT. Have only just seen post above.
You've put up with abuse your whole life it seems.
As AF said, please call Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme.
Far better to attend in person but you could do it on line.
You really need to learn how to spot red flags and how to put boundaries in place and keep to them.
The Freedom Programme will help you with this.
Please do it soon.
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