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mate of guy im seeing makes a pass at me....what to do

(45 Posts)
Totty24 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:57:51

been seeing a guy since October, so still early days.
Friday evening he came over, he had had a bad day, so we stayed in chilled chatted, he stayed over, had sex twice, following morning we stayed in bed for 3 hours chatting, he probably more than me, not just lying with arm round me but really holding me tight. we finally get up for food, chatting all the while then he leaves as his family have made plans to get together. he is open and honest with me what they are doing, plans change, he lets me know. when we are not together there is a fairly contestant stream of messaging between us, averaging 100 plus a day.... some days more some less depending on how busy we are what we are upto

I was out sat night, with my friends, there were a few groups of my friends. he knows I'm out.
I guess he is out, send him a message, asking where he is at, don't get a reply.... he walks into the pub I'm in, and is quite stand offish with me, he is with his sister and mate, they have been drinking for quite a while but I had been drinking too so didn't notice how drunk they were or were not... they then make a plan to go somewhere else, I'm staying with my friends, so the guy I'm seeing says send me a message in half an hour with where you are at as his phone only had 3% battery.... I forget!

later on I lost my friends so just nip into a pub for a wee before trying to find them, bump into they guy I'm seeing, his sister and mate again, so hang out with them, go to few more places, over a couple of hours, and my guy is still a bit stand offish.... then while I'm chatting to his 'mate' the mate makes a pass at me, I push him away, and head straight over to my guy, he instantly can see something is up, and asks, so I tell him..... we leave, mate and sister as well, my guy walks a head with sister, I cant keep up, bad shoes, mate stays with me, and tries it on again... I ask him what thinks he is doing... he says to me 'cant you see 'my guy' doesn't want a girlfriend' ...... my guy and sister wait for us to catch up, I call a cab 'my guy' wont come back with me, he lives with his sister and was going to be back in town the following day at 2pm to meet friends before catching a train to another city for a night out there to celebrate his birthday which is today, so I understand why he wasn't coming back with me..... however while waiting for taxi... I say your 'mate' told me you don't want a girlfriend he said ' perhaps I dont' ..... taxi arrived, I left

following morning I messaged him first,(which is normal as I usually wake first) saying 'hope you have a great time away, can you try not to tell your mates how great I am pls so they don't make a pass at me pls' jokingly, he apologises, and now we seem to be back to normal on the messaging thing.... he will be back tonight after being on the raz for the whole while he was away, it is difficult to know what to do, and I'm not sure if we will even manage to meet up before Christmas.... just don't know weather to sweep under carpet or try and discuss..... thing is it is early days, I know I do what a boyfriend, but don't know him well enough to know if I want it to be him, but I do like him a lot....... just don't know what to think of it all...... sorry for such a long post

defineme Mon 21-Dec-15 23:06:22

I would leave it to be honest. ..he actually said maybe he didn't want a girlfriend, was stand offish all night, didn't wait for you etc
The way he was before that is irrelevant, in my opinion, because if someone had so little respect for me that they were like that for a whole evening, then they wouldn't get to spend another evening with me.
You're worth more than that and are wasting your time.

magoria Mon 21-Dec-15 23:07:23

2 months I and he is offish, semi ignoring you doesn't seem to care his mate makes passes at and telling you maybe he doesn't want a relationship.

Life is too short and there are plenty who won't treat you like this.

Arfarfanarf Mon 21-Dec-15 23:12:34

He sounds like a dick.
Dont allow yourself to be treated badly.
Hes treated you with contempt. Youre worth more than that.

Seeyounearertime Mon 21-Dec-15 23:20:59

He sounds like an absolute user and fuckwit to me.

can you not tell your mates
What the hell has he been saying? Are you just a casual fuck to be bragged about to his buddies?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 23:23:26

He isn't your "your guy", sorry

He doesn't give a shit about you and he is being blatant about it. I am cringing for you.

TeaFathers Mon 21-Dec-15 23:26:23

bin this loser.
he's treating you like shit.
you can do better than this.

Justaboy Mon 21-Dec-15 23:30:36

Dump and do it now, dosen't look like he's into you anymoresad

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 23:33:56

He hasn't told his mates anything.

The OP is too scared 'her guy' will dump her for being hard work /stiff to actually say outright that she didn't like his mate coming on to her, and doesn't like the mate's reasoning that it's because 'my guy' doesn't want a girlfriend.

I really dislike that you're victim blaming YOURSELF here OP.
This mate knew you weren't available.
Then he tried again after you said NO.
And yet you're excusing his behaviour with 'a joke' that it's not his fault - it's because 'your guy' said you're great?

If his mate rapes you because your guy says you're a good fuck, is that OK?

This is just a horrible set up all round.

Ditch 'your guy' for telling you he doesn't want a girlfriend. And cut back on the drinking so you can tell what's actually happening on nights out.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 21-Dec-15 23:34:29

ANyFUcker sums up my thoughts, you're wasting your time, stop texting him and find someone decent.

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 23:36:08

And YY to cringing for you. Have this awful image of you drunkenly rushing after this man in your shoes you can't walk in, as he ignores you. Ugh.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 21-Dec-15 23:42:20

Yuk. He's not man enough to have a 'girlfriend' round his sister and his mate.

But he's fine alone with you. Total child, dump.

Pipestheghost Mon 21-Dec-15 23:46:07

What a twat, dump.

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 23:49:04

Even your username oozes a lack of self respect.
You are not "totty".
You are a woman and made up of wonderful things that have nothing to do with being some dickhead's shag.

AlsatianNasty Mon 21-Dec-15 23:53:32

He sounds foul OP.

Confusing as it is you've had some nice times, that is appalling, disrespectful behaviour and his mates sound totally charmless.

Bloody vulture trying it on because he can see 'your guy' being a total arse to you.

Where is the kindness in this? His sister didn't point out to her brother he wasn't waiting for you in your shoes?

Cut off. No contact. Move on to better people

Epilepsyhelp Mon 21-Dec-15 23:57:36

He's a dick. Get rid.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 23:58:15

Yes, the whole bloody bunch of 'em sound like pieces of crap

Op, you realise they were taking the piss out of you for "losing your friends" and "accidentally" tagging along with this guy you think is your boyfriend, don't you ? I am sorry to be cruel, but you need to wise up, find your self respect and stop mooning after this nobber that treats you like shit under his shoe

Totty24 Tue 22-Dec-15 00:02:42

thank you.... sadly I think you are right, though my RL friends don't have the same opinion, some have met him, and he has always been really great at coming over when I have needed a hand with work or anything, moving furniture etc, .... so I'm feeling really confused right now....

Cabrinha.... I had never considered my username like that, it was a childhood nickname from my brother, because of a story about a doll called Totty that we had read..... think I will have to change it now though, had never associated my nickname with like 'hot totty'!!

owh...... wish things were more simple!

AnyFucker Tue 22-Dec-15 00:07:21

How old are you ? Your behaviour and outlook comes across as very young. Accidentally bumping into blokes I was into is something I did when I was 17/18.

Cabrinha Tue 22-Dec-15 00:12:20

My apologies on your name origins - that's a sweet story, and it's your choice.

It just made me hmm in the context of how little you seemed to value yourself in your OP.

Anyone man I was seeing, boyfriend or still dating, who wasn't over the moon to see me on a night out could fuck off!

Look, I've made my own bad choices in the past so please don't take this as smug... but I've also been seeing someone since October. Every time we've had a chance to meet with his friends or work colleagues there (3x now) he has been grinning like an idiot, and it's all he can do not to say "this is my girlfriend, she's my girlfriend, I'm her boyfriend, we are boyfriend and girlfriend". He's just pleased as punch to show me off. That's how it should be. (OK, they don't have to totally grin like an idiot! But don't bother with anyone who doesn't bother with you in front of friends)

Cabrinha Tue 22-Dec-15 00:14:39

When he came over to move your furniture, did you have sex with him?

You do the math.

Totty24 Tue 22-Dec-15 00:51:03

Wow, actually I'm 40.... And genuinely I lost mates, some had gone on dancing, I had a chat with others who decided to go for food, so I went on to catch up with those dancing, wasn't sure whether I needed to go left or right to dance place, needed a wee, so ducked into a bar opposite where we had been earlier as I knew where toilets were, and he was there.... I really wasn't out looking for him, saw him said hi, asked him to wait as lost friends, did wee, came out, he bought me a drink, I called my mates that had gone dancing, they didn't pick up... By the time they saw a missed call from me and called me back they were in cab on way home.

Nope no sex when came to move furniture

And he spent an evening helping with other admin/computer stuff, chilled with me watching to for a short while then went home, again no sex.......

Totty24 Tue 22-Dec-15 01:02:38

Oh and the two help for no sex wasn't because of the one of the month either

What I forgot to mention which is also really odd is that the mate and I have a mutual friend, i spoke to her today, she said that he had messaged her yesterday saying 'met your friend, she was all over 'my guy'..... No mention of his behaviour.... My friend thinks he was fishing to see if I had said anything...

JohnThomas69 Tue 22-Dec-15 01:04:37

Make a massive incorrect assumption about her username and round it off with one of the most cynical comments I've read in ages. Jeewiz. The urge to appear to be relationships guru#1 overrides all for some posters in here regardless of the extra misery it heaps upon the poor souls seeking advice. If it wasn't so tragic it would be hilarious.

JohnThomas69 Tue 22-Dec-15 01:06:43

Sex for furniture re arrangement. That's a new one lol

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