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Now what?

(6 Posts)
Needtoprotect16 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:52:32

Last week, I discovered a letter that my DH had written to a young woman (he's 54; she's late twenties), telling her that he'd fallen for her, found her 'beautiful and desirable' and just 'wanted to hold her close'. From what I could glean, nothing has happened, up until that date (7 December this year) - it was very much a 'I know I risk looking foolish and stupid but I have to tell you ...'

I haven't confronted him about it. Tbh, I was in shock when I found it and still am, but mindful that I need to get my act together so as to financially protect myself and two children who are under 15). I am a full-time student and don't earn (due to graduate in January 2017) so I am completely dependent on his salary. We are both on the mortgage.

For the past 4 years, we've been co-parenting in the same house but not together as a couple. He has been verbally aggressive and subject to volatile outbursts over minor issues (he is currently on anti-depressants, often 'absents' himself from being available for the children (both in terms of time but also emotionally) and does very little in the house. We have, in the past, discussed separating, usually initiated by me saying that he cannot carry on exposing us to such outbursts - he has not been physically abusive but has smashed pans, plates, boxes in his rage). He just says we couldn't afford to run two homes - and he has a point (as I said I don't earn at the moment). He has also been having problems at work. In short, he cannot handle typical adult responsibilities - either at home or there.

I suppose my question is 'now what?' I'm petrified he is going to suddenly abandon us financially and feel very naive as to what my rights are. Stupidly, I put my original career on the back burner to support him and look after the kids and so have very little pension and no job (hence the retraining). However, I'm also in my 50s and job prospects for me are looking slim given my age. I am totally dependent on him financially.

I'm now thinking 'what the hell am I to do?' How can I best protect myself? What happens if he gets this young woman pregnant? He's clearly infatuated and I don't trust his judgement to do what's right by us. Since finding the letter, I find myself tempted to call him on it but haven't so far - I guess through fear of not being able to look after my children and myself financially as the situation currently stands. Am feeling very scared.

Morganly Mon 21-Dec-15 23:30:52

If you have found the letter, he hasn't sent it. This sounds like an infatuation to me, rather than any realistic prospect of a relationship, so I wouldn't worry about them having a baby right now.

However, you don't need to carry on living this unpleasant life. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how big a share of the marital assets you are legally entitled to, especially as both your children are under 15. You can run two homes. His will have to be smaller. Yours may well be smaller too, but it will be yours alone. Think how lovely that will be. Go and see a solicitor, find out what you can expect financially, and then start divorce proceedings. A better life is yours for the taking but you need to be brave and take those first steps.

AlsatianNasty Mon 21-Dec-15 23:43:46

Exactly as Morganly said.

I had the same fears, but financially so far touch wood, I've been OK.

It's actually a relief to be free of this kind of half-lived life.

You'll be fine OP, but my ex's infatuation became very real because it seems any old miserable twat with money is appealing to some younger women if it keeps them in Mulberry bags.

This is the life you have left, make the most of it and be very very brave. I got a chunk of equity, I don't have much of a pension but to be honest, the thought of maybe finding a new partner for retirement beats any previous reality of sharing my senior years in resentment with him. It took a while and some of his disgusting antics to get to that point though.

Good luck and quietly get your legal options

Justaboy Mon 21-Dec-15 23:56:02

Well is your name on the house deeds?, presume you are married and how many dependant children up to the age of 19 can you say?, then might have better idea of finances after divorce day if push comes to shove!

Needtoprotect16 Tue 22-Dec-15 06:49:31

Thanks for the replies. I don't know if he's sent the letter or not. It may have been a photocopy (he is the type to copy it) or it may have been sent since I found it. Perhaps all that is irrelevant as he would be in email contact with her anyway (through work). Yes, I'm on the deeds. Children are 14 and 10.

Justaboy Tue 22-Dec-15 19:39:37

Well if push does come to he can sod off etc basicly the idea is that the courts, if it gets that far, take the children's well being into consideration far more than the parents. But they do see it that whoever looks after the children needs to be housed and if there is sufficient equity they will see if the house can be sold and two other houses bought that will house both parents one with responsibly for the children and the other. Often that cannot be done and usually but not always the woman takes on the martial home with the ex husband paying maintenance etc.

Have a look at this site written by some of the most knowledgeable in the profession and that will give you a idea of what happens and what's involved if it should come to a break up. Hopefully that will be avoided, but if it can't;!

Then find a good solicitor and ask around if anyone knows of one, most these days will either give yo a free consultation or at a reduced rate they should be able to give you a good idea of where you stand and what the outcome is likely to be.

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