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why would he do this?

(28 Posts)
whatamerryxmas Mon 21-Dec-15 21:54:25

I dont really know where to start my heads so jumbled but i had a really strange sexual experience with my partner at the weekend and could do with knowing whether im overreacting
Partner doesnt live with me so came over for dinner
We got a bit wasted and started kissing ( hes never normally sexual at all towards me so at this point i was loving it )
Then he grabbed me by my hair n held my face right up to his going on about we should have a safe word? And something about strangling me with tinsel
If this all sounds so ridiculous im sorry i feel daft even asking but am i overreacting as at the time i was so shocked ( and wasted ) i just tried to ignore it but now its playing on my mind

OuchLegoHurts Mon 21-Dec-15 21:55:54

Why is he never sexual?

timelytess Mon 21-Dec-15 22:00:05

He isn't interested in ordinary sex but he's turned on by strangling you?

whatamerryxmas Mon 21-Dec-15 22:01:12

I have no idea why hes never sexual, he is when hes wasted though but never like that before

Mince314 Mon 21-Dec-15 22:01:30

Whaaat? so you never have sex, but he wants to go straight to strangling you?

I can't think of anything I'd hate more, safe word or not. The no sex is one thing, but the fact that he got turned on by the thoughts of strangling you would horrify me.


Lweji Mon 21-Dec-15 22:03:21

Looks like he's repressing something.
And those sort of sex games while drunk are not safe at all.

I also don't like that he introduced the topic while physically restraining you and assuming a threatening position.

This would be the end for me.

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 22:29:29

I would stop getting wasted with him.

Tbh, life's too short to be with someone who has to get wasted to want sex with you. Who needs that shit?

The safe word stuff isn't for me, but some people like it. The time to introduce it isn't when you're wasted and threatening - very disrespectful.

Tbh though, even though strangulation does it for some people, I personally think it's far too dangerous to mess about with - people die, there was a Portuguese woman in the paper just last week actually.

But all that aside - never do anything alternative or otherwise with someone who is only interested in sex when drunk.

whatamerryxmas Mon 21-Dec-15 22:30:31

Thank you and glad to see im not overreacting
He jazzed it all up as a joke and didnt try anything like that but we did have really rough sex it seems to be getting rougher and rougher every time ( on the occasional time it does happen )

Joysmum Mon 21-Dec-15 22:33:53

Rough sex when drink with an occasional partner could be very dangerous.

Seriously, please stop putting yourself at risk when this is getting rougher each time and he's talking like that.

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 22:45:43

So he only has sex when wasted and it's rough, and getting rougher.

(which is clearly not your thing, and frankly it isn't most women's thing - I like a man to be energetic and dominant, but that's not rough. I don't want to sleep with someone who doesn't care if they hurt me, or gets off on hurting me)

Why are you with him?

whatamerryxmas Mon 21-Dec-15 22:46:05

Hes not an occasional partner hes my boyfriend i guess that makes it worse

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 22:47:14

I think Joysmum meant occasional SEXUAL partner. As in - only on the occasions when he's wasted and hurting you.

Mince314 Mon 21-Dec-15 23:13:04

Yes, agree with Cabrinha, somebody who got off on hurting me, that would kill everything for me, the attraction, the relationship... eugh, good bye. I don't want to be deliberately hurt for the gratification of somebody who should want to be caring and affectionate. Oh boy. Just not for me, I would bail.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 21-Dec-15 23:19:35

You're not overreacting.

As there are no words, safe or otherwise, that you can say while being strangled, you're best advised to end your relationship with this sexual deviant before you find yourself being choked to the point of unconsciousness, or worse, with something considerably stronger than tinsel.

Heed this warning, OP, and tell him to fuck off forever while you've still got the voice to do so.

whatamerryxmas Tue 22-Dec-15 00:26:33

I think youre right, just dropped off and dreamt about him holding me by my hair and saying that...stupid!

munkynutts Tue 22-Dec-15 00:43:01

I don't understand why you'd be with a man who only has sex occasionally. How often is that?

This scares the shit out of me and I would be running. I don't think you understand how terrifying this is, especially since you say its getting rougher.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Dec-15 10:19:22

I bet he's a habitual porn watcher as well.
Does he smoke weed or take drugs?
Please get away from him.
How long has he been your BF?

jamhot Tue 22-Dec-15 10:31:24

Safe words are no use if you're unable to speak due to strangulation going too far.

I agree with PPs that it sounds like he is repressing his true sexual urges when sober. Vanilla sex doesn't do it for him.

If your first thought to his suggestion wasn't "wahey!, then this chap isn't a keeper for you.

Joysmum Tue 22-Dec-15 10:35:56

Yep sorry, should have worded that better blush

Seriously, if both of you are wasted and he's getting rougher, you're putting yourself at greater and greater risk. sad

ImperialBlether Tue 22-Dec-15 10:39:49

God, this is a no-brainer! Get out as fast as you can!

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 22-Dec-15 10:43:58

He sounds dangerous. Get rid.

FredaMayor Tue 22-Dec-15 11:01:03

I agree re the porn habit. BF is using you to to act it out in RL, it's nothing to do with your relationship, which sounds ropey to say the least. Cut your losses, OP.

FredaMayor Tue 22-Dec-15 11:02:06

I'm sorry - no pun intended.

AnAngelsSins Tue 22-Dec-15 12:18:57

This sounds really scary. Does he have rape fantasies or something? I'm not against a bit of BDSM but what you've described is not the same thing. Have you ever asked him why he only wants sex when he's drunk?

Pannn Tue 22-Dec-15 12:26:35

He may be your boyfriend but you don't know him at all. He will have a number of inter-personal issues and relating to you or any person male or female in a healthy way is just one of them.

Unless you wish to buy into a long time of insecurity, low level fear and his drama persona then I'd be out of there and fairly immediately.

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