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Need help with what to do .....

(17 Posts)
Rix456 Mon 21-Dec-15 11:26:51

So I have been together with my husband for 12 years, married for 2. After we got married we fell pregnant twice and lost both babies. March this year we fell pregnant again and we now have our beautiful daughter. Thing is at the end of October it all went wrong. He became moody, distant, small things but very noticeable.. Like one word answers in my messages where he is normally very loving and would send me messages every day telling me how much he loves me.
This went on and on. I always had a niggling feeling it just wasn't right, I went snooping in his emails and found a sent message to a girl he works with, saying he was sorry he had harassed her and needed to hear from her, I was in labour at the time. So I confronted him, he said he had feelings for her (not in love) but nothing had happened and he loves me and our daughter. He left, we talked he came back. The next night I couldn't contain not knowing, started snooping in the phone in the middle of a 3am feed... Found screen shots of messages that they had sent, he said he loved her, she said she missed him and couldn't wait untill Xmas was over and they could see each other. So I have confronted him again.... He said he doesn't love her and it started in October she kissed him, but no more. He begged forgiveness and promised nothing was going on. They are just really good friends ... Apparently. He has told me all day that he loves me and our daughter and wants us not her. I had asked her through fb, she denied it.

Basically my question is what do I do?? Give him a chance?? Can a marriage survive this? My hormones are going wild and I'm so sleep deprived.

Any advice from a desperate new mummy 😭

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 21-Dec-15 11:32:11

I think only you can answer those questions OP but clearly this is an awful time for this to be happening to you. I'm so sorry. Maybe you need to put on hold any decision making until you feel more yourself. Do you have friends / family to support you right now? I hope he bloody is sorry angry

Rix456 Mon 21-Dec-15 11:44:13

Thanks, yes I have lots of family and friends, it's just the admitting that something is wrong! My best friend and mum know something is wrong but not the whole story. It's the betrayal that hurts, at the most vulnerable time, after everything we went through..

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 21-Dec-15 11:55:12

Well you sound very brave. Talk to your mum, can you spend some time at hers to think things through and make him realise what he's got to lose? Just concentrate on your beautiful baby and take all the time you need. flowers

pocketsaviour Mon 21-Dec-15 11:59:34

Found screen shots of messages that they had sent, he said he loved her, she said she missed him and couldn't wait untill Xmas was over and they could see each other.

Oh yes, that's totally the kind of message that friendly colleagues send each other I don't think. Just really good friends, my fat arse. hmm

How old is your DD, OP? Just a week or so? Do you have help from friends and family for practical every day stuff? Because my insintict would be to tell this tosser to fuck off and stay somewhere else for at least a week until you've sorted your head out and decided whether to finish things.

There would be no doubt in my mind that he's either banged her or is trying to bang her, I'm afraid. sad You might try bluffing with "I know what's happened, but I want to hear it from you. You have one chance, right now, to tell me the whole truth." Then just keep quiet and let him trip himself up.

Rix456 Mon 21-Dec-15 14:09:54

My dd is 12 days old..we have been together since we were 17. He has begged all morning telling me he has no feelings for her, and will never have anything to do with her. I really don't buy it tho. I'm kinda stuck, being on maternity leave I can't afford the bills with the shit pay. He's away for the night, I've asked him to give me some time. But I'm already hoping time apart makes me realise what he has done confused

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 21-Dec-15 15:08:15

Don't worry about bills and things now. He will have to support your DD whatever you decide. Good luck OP sorry you are going through this.

WishICouldFlyAway Mon 21-Dec-15 15:52:47

Oh Rix, what an absolute bastard to do this to you; I'm so sorry. We can't tell you what to do, but I would suggest that you are very honest with yourself and make your choices based on what you want, rather than what you fear.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who could do this to me at such a vulnerable time (not that I would tolerate it at any other time either mind you!). How could you trust him not to do the same again should you ever go through any other vulnerable times in your life?

Do you think he's being honest with you about what's happened?

Jan45 Mon 21-Dec-15 16:24:39

Not going to help that he keeps denying even in the face of proof, I'd tell him to stay well away until he can be honest with you, he's been treating you like a mug for long enough and enough is enough now!

You'd be better off without him, go it alone as a single parent and put him and his fucked up lifestyle to one side for now, I'd not give him any more chances.

If he can do this to you whilst pregnant, he certainly is not committed to you or the family in any way, don't fall for his sob stories, he's only sorry he got caught.

Rix456 Mon 21-Dec-15 17:42:33

Thanks guys... You are totally right. Gota be strong for my baby girl... My goodness I need a strong drink 😭

inlectorecumbit Mon 21-Dec-15 18:37:51

I would go stay with your mum for a while if possible. You will need support and help with such a young baby while your head is all over the place.
He doesn't get the choice, you have to decide what you want, don't rush your decision -he has at least an emotional affair while you were in a very vulnerable position, he wasn't thinking about you or his DD while kissing or messaging this girl and of course she will deny it.

LuluJakey1 Mon 21-Dec-15 19:21:41

Why is he sending messages to her saying he loves her if they are just friends? Sounds like he is lying to me. What a bastard when you are at such a vulnerable time. You need his whole support now and to be able to rely on him completely, not to be facing this.
Only you know what you want to do. Personally, I could not forgive him. This time last year I was 39 weeks pregnant and DS was born on 30th December. I have no idea how I would have coped in your situation. DH was there all the time and just did anything and everything. I am so angry and upset for you.
If you can,get screenshots emailed to you of the messages. And tell your mum, you need all the support you can get over the next few weeks.

LucySnow12 Mon 21-Dec-15 19:37:23

So sorry to say but I think more happened than a kiss. He needs to be honest with you. All his behaviour speaks of an affair. And I wouldn't believe what the OW says. Tell your mum and BF and get their support. You can come through this but not if your H continues to lie and minimise. Get the book "not Just Friends". Congrats on your little girl.

WishICouldFlyAway Tue 22-Dec-15 10:01:20

How are you doing today OP?

Rix456 Tue 22-Dec-15 14:15:04

Good moments and bad. Feel ready to move forward then in floods of tears at what he's done. We've agreed to a time out, the time alone will help me move on. Just simply the worst timing. My baby girls first Xmas filled with such unhappy memories. I still think he think I'm going to welcome him back with open arms, and just forgive and forget. He thinks because it wasn't physical it's somehow better. I think the emotional betrayal hurts so much. Thanks for all your words of wisdom ladies. I keep thinking should I forgive for dd sake but I can't live with what he's done xx

schlong Tue 22-Dec-15 14:27:35

For DD's sake you shouldn't forgive. Would you want her having a fucker like this when she's pregnant/giving birth/brand new mum? He cheated on you just when you most needed his support and undivided attention. This will poison your relationship if you stay with him and it'll be your DD bearing the brunt of the fall out.

NA200712 Tue 22-Dec-15 15:57:03

He's obviously lying to you, you saw it with your own eyes, he said he loves her. I wouldn't believe a word he says, there will be things he isn't telling you because he wants you back.

You probably wouldn't ever trust him again would you?

I think the best thing is to move on and in time you will find someone who is trustworthy and makes you happy.

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