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Did i overstep the mark with this friend?

(23 Posts)
bluetrueyou Mon 21-Dec-15 11:16:59

A close friend gave her first presentation at a professional conference recently. Before hand she was nervous about it and I offered to watch it through with her but she said no. On the day of the conference I was on annual leave and did a quick search for the conference on twitter to see if there would be live tweets, something common in our industry, and found a link to live streaming of some of the presentations. Without planning to I ended up watching my friend's presentation. When she sent me a text later to say it had gone ok I told her I had seen it online. She is now really really angry with me for watching her, and says that i shouldn't have told her that I'd seen it, even though it enabled me to give her some feedback which she is going to use in future presentations.

At the time I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, I watch another friend's presentations online all the time, although he is a more experienced presenter, but with hindsight i can see how for her as a first time presenter it may have seemed a bit weird and maybe 'stalkerish'. I'm not sure how I'd react in a similar situation as I'm not yet at the point in my career where I give presentations. Any thoughts?

Hullygully Mon 21-Dec-15 11:18:31

she's a loon

she should be grateful you were interested and caring enough to watch it

or are you a weirdy stalker after all?

how can we tell...

Blueprintorange Mon 21-Dec-15 11:23:10

I Think you did overstep the mark - she said no, but you looked it up online!

I'd be very creeped out if a friend did that.. You really shouldn't have mentioned it!

sonjadog Mon 21-Dec-15 11:25:29

Wouldn't bother me.

Cheesybaps Mon 21-Dec-15 11:28:56

She had clearly agreed to give a public presentation which was also being broadcast, she cannot dictate who watches that.

I don't see her problem to be honest.

Doublebubblebubble Mon 21-Dec-15 11:35:45

I agree with cheesybaps how can she decide who can and can't watch it?

HortonWho Mon 21-Dec-15 11:39:32

Pst, have you broken the news to her that anyone... can watch it online?

Offering to do a trial run and her declining, and then watching her actual speech are two different things. She's projecting - clearly she is insecure about it. Did she not do as well as she hoped?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 21-Dec-15 11:39:47

I think watching it was fine. Giving feedback when she had already turned down the opportunity for you to do so crossed the line.

bluetrueyou Mon 21-Dec-15 11:42:47

Thanks for the comments: milk i only gave her feedback after she asked me for it. When I first told her I'd seen it i just gave a supportive but general comment about how good it was.

TeaPleaseLouise Mon 21-Dec-15 11:44:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaPleaseLouise Mon 21-Dec-15 11:45:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Mon 21-Dec-15 11:46:34

Are you involved, or interested in, her industry?

If so, then I think she is just being a bit over-sensitive, probably due to first-time nerves.

If you're not in the industry then I do think you were being a bit nosy. However if she then asked you for feedback it can't have upset her too much.

sooperdooper Mon 21-Dec-15 11:50:01

What did she think would happen if the presentation was live streamed? confused clearly the whole point was for people (anyone!) to watch it

She's being daft - I assume she knew it was going online?

OnlyLovers Mon 21-Dec-15 11:57:50

Hold on, I'm not following. She asked you for feedback but was angry that you'd watched the presentation?

tharsheblows Mon 21-Dec-15 11:59:48

If I had been presenting something, I would completely know and understand that anyone could watch it. However, even with that, it would be unnerving to me if someone who was my friend and not involved with the industry decided she would take the time on a day off to search the conference then watch the talk.

To me it'd be a similar situation if you knew when I was going grocery shopping and decided to show up at the store to see me, then be pleased that you could offer suggestions on what was in my cart. It's a public place, yes, but that's a little weird.

I'd find it strange and a bit stalkery. You watched because you were curious and wanted to see how she did, not out of some altruistic impulse. It's not supportive behaviour if she's not supported by it, she gets to decide that.

bluetrueyou Mon 21-Dec-15 12:04:34

pocket / tharsheblow I do work in the same industry as her and I watched because i was genuinely interested in what she had to say not to judge her performance.

sooper i don't think she knew until she arrived that it was going to be streamed online, although I expect she had to give consent. However, it was a relatively small conference and she probably didn't think many people would see it. If i hadn't been off work that day, and hanging around at home waiting for something, I wouldn't have deliberately sought it out.

Dipankrispaneven Mon 21-Dec-15 12:14:15

I think you did overstep the mark - she said no, but you looked it up online!

As I understand it, she said no to a trial run, she didn't say no to watching the actual presentation. If she knew it would be online and didn't object, she has no right to object to people watching it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 21-Dec-15 12:29:54

She's probably got a thread on an Internet forum somewhere and people are saying "ooh no that's weird and stalkery! You should let her no you're not happy!"

Tbh I get where you're coming from, but if I were in your friends shoes I wouldn't be happy. Not sure I could articulate why though, tharsheblows is probably nearest the mark with the shopping trip!

TartanBirdFeeder Mon 21-Dec-15 12:31:20

If, as it seems, you work in the same industry and it was relevant to your job then YANBU. If it's not relevant/you work in a different industry then YABU.

tharsheblows Mon 21-Dec-15 12:36:32

So you just happened to be looking at the hashtag stream at the exact time your friend was giving her presentation. Or you saw there was a live stream and planned your time around when she was speaking. If it had been me, there would be nothing you could say that would make me believe you accidentally ended up watching it or watched it for any reason other than to see how I did.

You overstepped her boundaries and now want to argue them away. You're not asking for advice on how to repair the damage, you're asking for justification for your actions. I can only speak for myself, but if you were my friend who had done this, I'd start moving away from you and be more careful with you in the future. If you think she's been too sensitive and unreasonable, then move away from her, you don't need the drama and I doubt she'll mind.

DurhamDurham Mon 21-Dec-15 13:02:18

I think watching it was fine as it was in the public domain. However your friend is entitled to feel aggrieved, she feels that you have crossed the line and I doubt you can say much to convince her otherwise.
If I'd watched it I wouldn't have commented on it, the fact that she turned down your offer of help should have been enough to let you know that she didn't want you to see it.
You may have lost her friendship over this, if she ain't the forgiving type, not sure it was worth it.

PushingThru Mon 21-Dec-15 22:36:05

She clearly stated that she didn't want you involved with her presentation & you ignored that and went ahead anyway. I wouldn't like that. Also, you bring up twice that she's a presentation novice & refer to an 'experienced' presenter & have also twice offered feedback that she refused once and didn't ask for the second time. I think you may be coming across as forceful and slightly condescending about her lack of experience & this may be where some of the hostility from your friend is coming from.

Isetan Tue 22-Dec-15 00:03:16

I can understand your curiosity in watching her presentation ('I just so happened...' is bullshit and you know it) but once your initial offer of help was declined, I don't understand your subsequent persistence. Your friend asking and taking on board your feedback, doesn't excuse your behaviour.

No is a complete sentence and isn't the beginning of a negotiation and if you value this friend, then you should start respecting that.

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