Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Found something interesting on partners phone...

(163 Posts)
NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 10:24:28

We haven't spoken in 3 days, this is really bad. We never not speak. Have been together 11 years, 2 kids under 4 and Im currently heavily pregnant at 8 months with number 3.
The problem is I find him totally inconsiderate. He was depressed for a while and started exercising which was great, but means I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night after he has got home from work and done his training. My 2yr old is getting up 3 times a night for some reason and my bladder is waking me up 7 times a night (no bladder infection checked with doctor) To say Im knackered is an under statement. He also falls asleep on the sofa and doesnt come upstairs until 5am which again wakes me up.
He is still being snappy at me with pressures of work and because Im hormonal I do a bit of silent crying about it. Think Ive started to cry everyday, usually Im not so sensitive, Im quite tough nut but at the moment Im not. I have tried to let it go over my head and not react but he woke me up after I had finally got to sleep and I just totally lost it. Earlier in the day I had tried to nap but because he was tickling our 4year old it was making her scream her head off, which obviously woke me again. Since I lost it, he refused to talk to me and we haven't spoken since Friday. We never not speak EVER.
Its been a slow slow burner of me becoming more and more frustrated. I have approached him many times in different ways telling him how tired I am and how he needs to be more considerate. It goes in one ear and out the other. We also havent had sex in months due to miscarriage worries and i find he never initiates any kind of loving kiss and cuddle to me. Looked on his phone and all I can see is porn sites in his history. Im quite liberal so I dont usually mind but today Ive actually seen him looking at an escort sites for escorts in the area where he comes on his way home via train. Im not sure what to think because he looked last night??

NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 10:43:17

Anyone???

Marchate Mon 21-Dec-15 10:50:27

If you re-tell this without including his work pressures and depression, does it sound good?
What could be better for a pressurised man than the familiar comfort of his home & family? Looking at porn and escort sites is more likely to increase his stress - covering your tracks is stressful in itself, I guess!
You are the one who is under pressure. He is treating you badly and using the excuse of his mental health. Believe me, depressed people don't try to make their partner suffer with them.
He's not letting you get enough sleep. That is controlling, whether intentional or thoughtless.
You need to prioritise yourself at the moment

NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 10:58:06

He never classed himself as depressed but it was obvious he was. He cannot see the errors of his behaviour and all he says is you are hormonal, always trying to spin the blame on me. He says me asking him to be less inconsiderate is moaning and he wants me to stop moaning at him. I can't win at any turn. It's like having a brick wall to talk too.... I tell him things about family events etc and when it comes to the day he behaves like I've never told him even though I've been reminding him all week. And when I get irritated he says I'm being hormonal. I feel like I'm actually head butting a wall continuously and he is totally oblivious to IT, or he just doesn't care.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 10:59:26

I think you are not getting many answers because it is impossible to put any positive spin on this. And it seems like that's what you are looking for. You won't find it here, I am afraid.

mouldycheesefan Mon 21-Dec-15 11:00:26

He doesn't care. Why on earth are you cooking him late night meals and facilitating his poor behaviour. Wake up!

TPel Mon 21-Dec-15 11:01:54

If he cared he wouldn't be looking at escort sites. Sorry.

Marchate Mon 21-Dec-15 11:03:56

Oh dear, that's classic emotional abuse. What was he like during your previous pregnancies?
He's putting himself first, I'm afraid. Not a happy situation for you or the children.

timelytess Mon 21-Dec-15 11:04:28

Not sure what to think? Think he's using prostitutes and its a good thing you're not having sex with him. Presumably sexual health is still checked in pregnancy, and they'd have told you if there was a problem? Think about what you're going to do next. Think about your support network, or building one if you don't have one already.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 11:04:43

It's kinda sad that you have been overlooking all his shit behaviour until you find evidence of cheating on his phone

Before, he was a cunt but at least he was your cunt ?

BitOutOfPractice Mon 21-Dec-15 11:05:13

You'd already lost me at "I have to cook for him at 9/10 pm at night" and it all went downhill from there

He sounds vile

mouldycheesefan Mon 21-Dec-15 11:09:36

Everyone has pressures at work so that is no excuse.
This 'depression' has not been diagnosed nor has he sought treatment and sounds like an excuse for being a lazy selfish twat so I wouldn't be cutting him any slack for that either.

I think you are better off without him he brings you nothing but aggro and sadness and he is gas lighting you that it's all your hormones.

RomComPhooey Mon 21-Dec-15 11:10:18

We both work full time. My H travels with work, which sometimes means he's late home (say 8pm). When I eat with the kids at 6.30-7pm on those nights, I cook for all of us. DH reheats his portion when he gets in. There's no way I'd be making a separate meal at 9-10pm. Unless your H is on some kind of health kick and wants to eat something different from the rest of you? In which case, I'd be telling to cook his own damned meals.

NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 11:10:39

I think I've been excusing his behaviour because I don't want to break up our family. The house is in his name, the money I do make goes straight on my daughters school fees and sons nursery costs. He hasn't made any kind of will. I'd be literally out with not a penny to my name.
We had issue with same OW both times I was pregnant, they never slept together but texts were pretty inappropriate. He's bored of me being angry about it and says we can't move on unless I stop bringing it up. Which I have only just been able too, but being pregnant again has brought back old anxieties about it. Again we weren't having sex those times because of miscarriage issues. I think I'm in a really bad place right now.
Whenever I buy anything with his card he will walk into the kitchen and say "I bought that" and has recently started saying I need to know my role. Then he will pretend it's a joke. What's Going on! When putting the XMAS tree up this year he started saying "other men wouldn't be doing this crap, they'd be down the pub letting you get on with it" Like he is doing me a favour.

MoreGilmoreGirls Mon 21-Dec-15 11:13:30

Why is he not cooking his own bloody dinner? His behaviour is unacceptable. Did he want this pregnancy? Sorry OP but it does not sound likes he's invested in you or the family

OnlyLovers Mon 21-Dec-15 11:14:00

has recently started saying I need to know my role. Then he will pretend it's a joke.

That has actually sent a chill down my spine. That sounds majorly wrong to me. I can't think of any good advice but I'm sorry, OP.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 11:14:26

I think I'm in a really bad place right now.

Yes, I am afraid you are. As well as being in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship you are also being financially abused.

And soon you will have 3 kids under 4 with this prick.

There is only one answer here, love. This is only going to get worse.

RomComPhooey Mon 21-Dec-15 11:15:51

Financially abusive as well as emotionally abusive and a cheating twat? What a catch! Why are you having a 3rd child with this charmer?

NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 11:16:39

He actually had to persuade me to have the pregnancy. I wasn't 100% sold on the idea but he really wanted it. He's totally invested in kids, he loves them to bits. He's not invested in me and I've just stupidly realised. He doesn't cook it because he doesn't ever cook. If I don't cook he doesn't eat. Since we haven't been talking I haven't been cooking for him because I thought sod you and f you. He is eating a special diet because he is on this weight loss regime. So far he must have lost about 2 1/2
Stone. He looks really good and he knows it n

Fairenuff Mon 21-Dec-15 11:16:47

Are you going to carry on like this OP?

mouldycheesefan Mon 21-Dec-15 11:17:36

Are you married, if so you would have a divorce entitlement to all assets

OnlyLovers Mon 21-Dec-15 11:17:40

If I don't cook he doesn't eat.

Well, fine then. He may look good on it now but it won't last.

What a tosser he is. Do you have any money saved up/anywhere to go?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Dec-15 11:19:19

If you don't cook he doesn't eat ?

Is he 3yo ?

RomComPhooey Mon 21-Dec-15 11:19:33

Time for you to lose 14 stone of useless abusive partner...

NotSpeaking Mon 21-Dec-15 11:20:09

Plus I didn't want to have anorher baby because I had 3 miscarriages inbetween my other two kids. One of which was pretty horrendous as baby got stuck on its way out and had to be surgically removed. Found that pretty devastating.
I think I'm in denial because I'm scared of the relationship ending and what I will do. I don't want to be without my kids and he earns a 6 figure salary. He could easily pay for a nanny to look after kids.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now