How can I behave ethically here?

[CherryPicking]

My marriage ended badly, and to be honest I really am off men for the time being. Gay would be overstating it, but certainly would prefer my next relationship to be with a woman, I think.

Anyway, recently I get the feeling a very nice bloke is interested (literally the 4th person to show any interest since my marriage ended). I really like him as a friend, and could do with all the friends I can get right now. I've dropped hints about my sexuality but as a bisexual its true you have to keep on coming out, I find. And for me its not as simple as being open to either sex - its all about the chemistry I have with an individual, and I'm at a stage where that happens more with women than with men. I guess, for me, sexual fluidity is very real - I've felt 100% straight and 100% gay at various points in my life.

I guess I've flirted a bu, but I do tend to do that with lots of people. In my experience men who start off liking me in a romantic sense don't tend to want to be friends with me when I've said it can't be more than that. Maybe because I've been ambiguous and enjoyed the attention and they feel I've been disingenuos.

[munkynutts]

Ethics don't come into it, neither does your sexuality. If you fancy him go for it, if you don't then don't.

[CherryPicking]

I feel we have chemistry as friends. Sometimes my sense of humour might be misconstrued to seem as though I want more. But really I just need someone I can relax and be myself around without anything more being expected.

[CherryPicking]

I don't fancy him, but I do want him in my life. I don't feel I'm the kind of person people really want to be friends with, so if he knows I don't like him in 'that' way, will he just stop bothering with me altogetger. I know I must sound about 15

[DraenorQueen]

Yes you do sound about 15. As munkynets said, your sexuality is nothing to do with it.
Fix your mind on something meaningful rather than this "ehmagaaard, whatdoIdooooooo" shit.

[ohYestoYestyn]

just tone down the flirting with him, as you say you can choose others to flirt with. If he asks why, say it's just your nature but doesn't mean much and add that you really like him as a person, would love a friend like him - but that your romantic attention is on women now. He should be fine as it doesn't sound personal then.
But yes, some men would not want to be just a friend -been there myself and it's always quite sad. If he is one of those he'll drop off sooner or later, nothing to lose by being upfront - in fact the less you feed him hope the easier for him to switch to friendly mode.

[CherryPicking]

Actually Draenor my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce. I'm allowed some down time and you can always hide this thread if its not your cup of tea. Hike up your judgeypants as you go, there's a dear

[CherryPicking]

Thanks ohyes I'll try to be upfront with him sooner rather than later. Maybe I could say something like 'we've got a lot in common - we're both looking for the right woman...'

[DraenorQueen]

doing and thinking things of great consequrnce
Gosh, great consequrnce? Sounds draining. Make sure you leave yourself time to mindlessly dither about your sexuality.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

In summary - you may be leading him to believe you fancy him but you don't, and you think he might not be your friend if he knows?
Does he know you're bi? Could you heavily imply you're a lesbian without actually saying you are (so you can go back on it later if you find a man you fancy)

[AnyFucker]

my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce.

are you Mother Teresa ?

[StealthPolarBear]

Or Angela Merkel :o

[pieceofpurplesky]

Maybe you answered why people don't want to be friends with you in this thread - you sound a tad self involved. Great consequences
Maybe you just posted the words without thinking - you sound like you need to reassess your life and get friends who like you for you and as a friend

[goddessofsmallthings]

I'm intrigued.

What are these things of great consequrnce you're mainly thinking and doing, OP? Do they have any great consequence for others or is it merely your "sexual fluidity" that causes you to flirt with allcomers lead them up the garden path and dump them in the cabbage patch?

[StealthPolarBear]

In fairness I think the op was being sarcastic at being told off for starting a substandard thread.
"In my day job I broker world peace, but after 5pm I like to go online and discuss eastenders"

[scarlets]

I'd make it clear that you don't view him in a romantic way, but that you'd like to be friends. Make absolutely sure that it's sunk in, so that he doesn't hang around on the off-chance you'll change your mind.

[pocketsaviour]

Pretty sure OP was being sarcastic to a pretty twatty response earlier.

OP I'd be upfront and say to him "You know what, I really hope next year is the year I meet the woman of my dreams."

It's entirely possible he'll dump you because he's been hanging around hoping to bang you, but if he does - then you know he's a shallow twat, whose friendship wasn't about your personality, won't you?

[CherryPicking]

Yes because if women aren't brokering world peace or refusing painkillers to dying people in India nothing they do is of any consequence

Well, I disagree. I think my existence and my day to day life matters, and if you disagree that probably says more about your own sense of self worth than anything else. Who needs an abusive husband when you've got mumsnet to tell you you're worthless?

[CherryPicking]

And to be honest I don't think anyone starts a thread in relationships going 'this is going to be thread of the year' or worrying whether other people will view it as 'substandard'. You just post because you want advice on something. And no, I'm not remotely arrogant in real life - quite the opposite, thanks for the amatuer psychoanalysis though purplesky at least your own time is clearly productive

[CherryPicking]

And as for 'mindlessly dithering about my sexuality' - are you saying an individual's sexuality is something they shouldn't think about? Should we all just turn 16 and start humping the nearest person indiscriminately? I don't get that comment at all Draenor. Sounds quite heteronormative though.

And goddess putting sexual fluidity in inverted commas is quite a disparaging thing to do. Are you saying my subjective experience of my own sexuality is something you're sceptical about? Do you know something about me that I don't? ?

[DoreenLethal]

Oh dear god.

My life is mainly spent doing things of no consequence. And thinking things of barely any interest to anyone else. Pretty much like most people.

So yes, it is slightly arrogant to spout off how consequential you are.

wanders off to do some weeding on this lovely bright winter's day

[blindsider]

my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce.

Hahahaha - maybe all these people who are not interested when you don't want to be romantically involved with them have worked out that you are far to up yourself to bother with.

[CherryPicking]

Doreen people have different ways of viewing things. You might place no value in gardening, but that's your subjective opinion. For someone else, seeing a brand new shoot pushing its way through the ground can feel quite profound and moving. I dont quite see why you feel the need to bully others into agreeing with you that it's all a big nothing.

[CherryPicking]

blindsided you sound quite brittle, do you need a hug? Your dry laughter and spite sounds like it might be coming from a place of pain.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Going back to you original post, Cherry, and subsequent discussion, there is a very real risk that he will have been interested in you because of the flirting and is hoping it to develop into a physical relationship. Stop flirting with him. See if there's still a friendship there that you both want that way, rather than hitting him with an awkward 'Dear John' conversation.

[CherryPicking]

Thanks wildthings, I'll try to keep things unflirty.