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How can I behave ethically here?

(82 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 20:09:12

My marriage ended badly, and to be honest I really am off men for the time being. Gay would be overstating it, but certainly would prefer my next relationship to be with a woman, I think.

Anyway, recently I get the feeling a very nice bloke is interested (literally the 4th person to show any interest since my marriage ended). I really like him as a friend, and could do with all the friends I can get right now. I've dropped hints about my sexuality but as a bisexual its true you have to keep on coming out, I find. And for me its not as simple as being open to either sex - its all about the chemistry I have with an individual, and I'm at a stage where that happens more with women than with men. I guess, for me, sexual fluidity is very real - I've felt 100% straight and 100% gay at various points in my life.

I guess I've flirted a bu, but I do tend to do that with lots of people. In my experience men who start off liking me in a romantic sense don't tend to want to be friends with me when I've said it can't be more than that. Maybe because I've been ambiguous and enjoyed the attention and they feel I've been disingenuos.

munkynutts Sun 20-Dec-15 20:13:15

Ethics don't come into it, neither does your sexuality. If you fancy him go for it, if you don't then don't.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 20:37:09

I feel we have chemistry as friends. Sometimes my sense of humour might be misconstrued to seem as though I want more. But really I just need someone I can relax and be myself around without anything more being expected.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 20:42:57

I don't fancy him, but I do want him in my life. I don't feel I'm the kind of person people really want to be friends with, so if he knows I don't like him in 'that' way, will he just stop bothering with me altogetger. I know I must sound about 15 blush

DraenorQueen Sun 20-Dec-15 20:55:18

Yes you do sound about 15. As munkynets said, your sexuality is nothing to do with it.
Fix your mind on something meaningful rather than this "ehmagaaard, whatdoIdooooooo" shit.

ohYestoYestyn Sun 20-Dec-15 21:02:31

just tone down the flirting with him, as you say you can choose others to flirt with. If he asks why, say it's just your nature but doesn't mean much and add that you really like him as a person, would love a friend like him - but that your romantic attention is on women now. He should be fine as it doesn't sound personal then.
But yes, some men would not want to be just a friend -been there myself and it's always quite sad. If he is one of those he'll drop off sooner or later, nothing to lose by being upfront - in fact the less you feed him hope the easier for him to switch to friendly mode.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 21:06:58

Actually Draenor my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce. I'm allowed some down time and you can always hide this thread if its not your cup of tea. Hike up your judgeypants as you go, there's a dear hmm

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 21:14:55

Thanks ohyes I'll try to be upfront with him sooner rather than later. Maybe I could say something like 'we've got a lot in common - we're both looking for the right woman...'

DraenorQueen Sun 20-Dec-15 21:30:00

doing and thinking things of great consequrnce
Gosh, great consequrnce? Sounds draining. Make sure you leave yourself time to mindlessly dither about your sexuality.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 20-Dec-15 21:32:26

In summary - you may be leading him to believe you fancy him but you don't, and you think he might not be your friend if he knows?
Does he know you're bi? Could you heavily imply you're a lesbian without actually saying you are (so you can go back on it later if you find a man you fancy)

AnyFucker Sun 20-Dec-15 21:33:53

my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce.

are you Mother Teresa ?

StealthPolarBear Sun 20-Dec-15 21:37:33

Or Angela Merkel grin

pieceofpurplesky Sun 20-Dec-15 21:42:31

Maybe you answered why people don't want to be friends with you in this thread - you sound a tad self involved. Great consequences hmm
Maybe you just posted the words without thinking - you sound like you need to reassess your life and get friends who like you for you and as a friend

goddessofsmallthings Sun 20-Dec-15 21:48:59

I'm intrigued.

What are these things of great consequrnce you're mainly thinking and doing, OP? Do they have any great consequence for others or is it merely your "sexual fluidity" that causes you to flirt with allcomers lead them up the garden path and dump them in the cabbage patch?

StealthPolarBear Sun 20-Dec-15 22:14:14

In fairness I think the op was being sarcastic at being told off for starting a substandard thread.
"In my day job I broker world peace, but after 5pm I like to go online and discuss eastenders"

scarlets Mon 21-Dec-15 08:16:57

I'd make it clear that you don't view him in a romantic way, but that you'd like to be friends. Make absolutely sure that it's sunk in, so that he doesn't hang around on the off-chance you'll change your mind.

pocketsaviour Mon 21-Dec-15 08:36:03

Pretty sure OP was being sarcastic to a pretty twatty response earlier.

OP I'd be upfront and say to him "You know what, I really hope next year is the year I meet the woman of my dreams."

It's entirely possible he'll dump you because he's been hanging around hoping to bang you, but if he does - then you know he's a shallow twat, whose friendship wasn't about your personality, won't you?

CherryPicking Mon 21-Dec-15 08:36:32

Yes because if women aren't brokering world peace or refusing painkillers to dying people in India nothing they do is of any consequence hmm

Well, I disagree. I think my existence and my day to day life matters, and if you disagree that probably says more about your own sense of self worth than anything else. Who needs an abusive husband when you've got mumsnet to tell you you're worthless?

CherryPicking Mon 21-Dec-15 08:48:19

And to be honest I don't think anyone starts a thread in relationships going 'this is going to be thread of the year' or worrying whether other people will view it as 'substandard'. You just post because you want advice on something. And no, I'm not remotely arrogant in real life - quite the opposite, thanks for the amatuer psychoanalysis though purplesky at least your own time is clearly productive hmm

CherryPicking Mon 21-Dec-15 09:02:39

And as for 'mindlessly dithering about my sexuality' - are you saying an individual's sexuality is something they shouldn't think about? Should we all just turn 16 and start humping the nearest person indiscriminately? I don't get that comment at all Draenor. Sounds quite heteronormative though.

And goddess putting sexual fluidity in inverted commas is quite a disparaging thing to do. Are you saying my subjective experience of my own sexuality is something you're sceptical about? Do you know something about me that I don't? hmm?

DoreenLethal Mon 21-Dec-15 09:07:23

Oh dear god.

My life is mainly spent doing things of no consequence. And thinking things of barely any interest to anyone else. Pretty much like most people.

So yes, it is slightly arrogant to spout off how consequential you are.

>wanders off to do some weeding on this lovely bright winter's day<

blindsider Mon 21-Dec-15 09:10:37

my life is mainly doing and thinking things of great consequrnce.

Hahahaha - maybe all these people who are not interested when you don't want to be romantically involved with them have worked out that you are far to up yourself to bother with.

CherryPicking Mon 21-Dec-15 09:13:51

Doreen people have different ways of viewing things. You might place no value in gardening, but that's your subjective opinion. For someone else, seeing a brand new shoot pushing its way through the ground can feel quite profound and moving. I dont quite see why you feel the need to bully others into agreeing with you that it's all a big nothing.

CherryPicking Mon 21-Dec-15 09:17:06

blindsided you sound quite brittle, do you need a hug? Your dry laughter and spite sounds like it might be coming from a place of pain.

PeaceOfWildThings Mon 21-Dec-15 09:27:08

Going back to you original post, Cherry, and subsequent discussion, there is a very real risk that he will have been interested in you because of the flirting and is hoping it to develop into a physical relationship. Stop flirting with him. See if there's still a friendship there that you both want that way, rather than hitting him with an awkward 'Dear John' conversation.

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