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So, I'm feeling pretty awful - could use some pearls of wisdom.

(14 Posts)
Frensham Sun 20-Dec-15 18:26:34

Hello lovely MN'ers.

So, pretty horrendous weekend. My childhood best friends birthday celebration was yesterday and although I said I was up for it - everything went strangely quiet. So basically I was snubbed.

Hmmm

Then partner and I of 7 months split up. A number of factors.

So I'm sat looking around me. And the feeling of loneliness is excruciating.

I've had several failed relationships in the 7 years since my husband walked out. I'm not 'popular' (by that I mean, despite my best efforts, I'm not generally liked and have very few friends. ... And what there is are really more 'acquaintances')

So, I find myself with that very familiar feeling of simply not wanting to be in this world any more!!!

Any suggestions .... Think I might go over the edge this time tbh.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 18:37:30

Really sorry you're feeling this way. I can completely relate. When I feel at my worst I tell myself I need to root myself 'in myself' - I need to be my own anchor in life and the judge of my own worth. Does that make any sense?

Sending you hugs and flowers and cake. Hang on in there and keep talking, please. X

regretsihaveafew Sun 20-Dec-15 19:07:14

I'm sorry you feel so awful. But I have felt like this many times and still here to tell the tale. Have had my heart ripped out by friends, family and lovers, and a broken marriage. Also left out of stuff, feeling I don't belong, not included etc. few friends, live alone.

Firstly, I determined that no one is worth anyone losing their life or sanity over, nobody. There are many, many decent people out there. Walk away from the ones who hurt you and who are not nice people. And with your dignity.

I now look to no one else to make me happy, I do it myself. I find my own happiness and am content with my own interests, past times, treat myself, generally enjoy life and in my own company. No expectations, and then everything that comes along is a bonus and very appreciated.

Keep busy, distract yourself, plan days out/holidays, go walking, join clubs, volunteer, read lots, box sets, cinema etc. etc. Go for coffee with acquaintances, make small talk, invite people to your home for a drink, dvd, or meal and let people know you are free.

Please don't give up, there is a world out there full of interesting things to do, places to go, new friends to meet. Hold on and keep posting too.

Frensham Sun 20-Dec-15 19:42:19

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. It means a lot ....

Good words of advice there .... Yes, I will press on with my own interests. I suppose because I have been trying to amuse myself for most of my life ... I have become rather exhausted with the effort.

Deep down, I guess I'd just like for someone to care enough to want to be a part of my life so that I don't have to constantly compensate for the fact that I am so alone.

CherryPicking Sun 20-Dec-15 19:51:26

I know exactly what you mean. But apparently we won't attract the right people until we love and value ourselves enough not to settle for those who don't really care. At least that's what I've heard on here many a time...

regretsihaveafew Sun 20-Dec-15 20:22:00

Yes it is exhausting, if only there were someone there for us so we could relax and not have to keep it all going on our own.

On our own it's tough for a lot of us, for some in the long term, for some short term. Somehow we have to find compensations in our lives, comfort ourselves in whatever ways we can and accept our lot. I know, it stinks.

But humans can and do adapt in time, get into a routine, relax into new situations, get used to new circumstances and become calmer. It does take time. Try not to worry about what will happen in the future, don't project...take one day at a time. Life changes for bad and for good, nothing stays the same.

Finding a new passion can mean we get so engrossed and enthusiastic that before we know it we feel happier about everything. But I know, there is a lot of effort involved at a time when we just don't feel like it. Good luck, keep posting.

mrsjskelton Sun 20-Dec-15 20:47:53

How isolating that must be, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you need to begin by being kind to yourself. Telling yourself you're unpopular and generally not liked won't help. There will be people in your life who do care and should be there to support you through this low ebb. I would think throwing yourself into an activity or group of people might make it worse as your current emotional state is not going to be conducive to building relationships. If this were me, I'd spend some quality time on myself - have a pamper day, change of hairstyle etc (or whatever does it for you!)
You need to be in a state of loving yourself to begin finding friends. Focus on those people who make you happy and maybe have an honest and open chat about how they see you at the moment. Their advice might be valuable. Plus if they know how you're feeling they may understand how to approach you. Don't forget the value of professional people such as doctors and therapists - this may be a time where you need some advice on how to be the best you. Good luck and look after yourself xx

mrsjskelton Sun 20-Dec-15 20:48:08

How isolating that must be, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you need to begin by being kind to yourself. Telling yourself you're unpopular and generally not liked won't help. There will be people in your life who do care and should be there to support you through this low ebb. I would think throwing yourself into an activity or group of people might make it worse as your current emotional state is not going to be conducive to building relationships. If this were me, I'd spend some quality time on myself - have a pamper day, change of hairstyle etc (or whatever does it for you!)
You need to be in a state of loving yourself to begin finding friends. Focus on those people who make you happy and maybe have an honest and open chat about how they see you at the moment. Their advice might be valuable. Plus if they know how you're feeling they may understand how to approach you. Don't forget the value of professional people such as doctors and therapists - this may be a time where you need some advice on how to be the best you. Good luck and look after yourself xx

Frensham Sun 20-Dec-15 22:09:33

Thanks again for the replies. It is a great comfort to read your comments and i'm sure i can take some valuable advice from them.

Mrsjskelton; yes indeed - jumping in at the moment would be counter productive. I've never been good at looking after myself unfortunately. And pampering is quite an alien thing for me.

This situation has been prevalent throughout my lifetime (from as young as i can remember) and i did try antidepressants for a while but whilst it made me a bit more mellow it did nothing for the root cause of my problem.

I can only assume that something went wrong during my social development growing up. I feel quite socially inept ...

Frensham Sun 20-Dec-15 22:12:07

I worry about the impact of this on my children. I dont want them to be like me. I want them to have normal happy relationships and participate actively in their social circles.

I fear i am setting a terrible example.

That is a far igger problem to me than my own loneliness.

:-(

amarmai Sun 20-Dec-15 22:55:28

i got the best advice from Oprah when i was finding everything hard - decades ago , but still do this when i need to give myself a boost. I write down every little thing that i can think of to be thankful for. Always works!

regretsihaveafew Sun 20-Dec-15 23:29:36

Frensham I missed out on social development, feel I didn't learn vital stuff at the appropriate time [due to events in childhood/teenage years] and struggle socially, I am an introvert and do not mix well as well as having many problems to deal with, very few friends
.
I also worried about my sons being like me. They are now both in their 40's, both happily married with families, successful in their jobs, both very popular with lots of friends.

Thank god they didn't have the 'parenting' or the environment I had, nor the problems or bullying, but a mother who loved them very much. I did my utmost to give them a normal, healthy upbringing with no abuse or verbal damage. It worked, they are well balanced, mentally healthy, hard working, decent men.

So please don't worry too much.

HormonalHeap Mon 21-Dec-15 08:39:47

Don't worry about your children. I'm not the most sociable of creatures but it's down to the child's temperament. My dd has a social life that makes me giddy but my ds is like me, happy in his own company. Yet they share the same mother so I know it's down to inheriting different genes from different family members.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 21-Dec-15 09:31:25

I think you should try counselling to manage what the antidepressants didn't.

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