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Starting to loose hope

(28 Posts)
lauraann137 Sun 20-Dec-15 17:00:16

Heads up I might include a bit too much info at some point,

So me and my partner have been together two and half years we both came from bad relationships and had trust issues, we voiced our thoughts and havery regular heart to hearts which seems to be going great, I try my very best to reassure him and he does the same, we got engaged just over a month ago and things seemed to be going great, the problem is he seems to be taking everything either personal or blowing some thing way out of proportion and making a mountain out of a molehill, a few instances we went up the town and just because I looked in the direction of the butchers apparently I'm eyeing the butcher up, I don't go out much other than school run and shopping straight after school but I'm always home by 4pm, he has more than once accused me of smelling like my children's father, for one he should no I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot barge pole if he was on fire and I had water I'd drink it. The latest thing is we had a really amazing day yesterday forgot all our troubles and just had a great day with each other play fighting laughing cuddled up and watched a film it was the perfect day, in till we started having sex Im the one who instigated it I got dressed up and took control in the bedroom the only problem is I've got shaving rash on my groin which he knows about as I repositioned my leg I squinted because it was sore, he sore the look and jumped up appalled at me, he had ago at me saying that I'm fake and no one had ever made hi feel like that before I tried to explain to him what it was but it fell on deaf ears he trudged up old arguments from two years ago and we barley spoke since, I've tried talking to him but all he says is he hasn't the the energy to and shuts me down, he has got a lot going on at the moment he is going through a custody battle with his son he hasn't seen since july, so normally I'd put it down to him causing an argument just because he needs to vent but this feels different.

I'm the one who purposed to him and every chance he gets he takes the ring claiming he doesn't want to ruin it, he sneaks out in the middle of the night to ,"walk have a run or go to the 24/7 shop, he has called me by his exs name a number of times in his sleep and tells me to fuck off if I try and cuddle up to him all of these things hurt my feelings but I dont throw my dummy out of the pram at everything.

I don't no what to do anymore

Gliblet Sun 20-Dec-15 17:07:06

Yes you do.

You can't talk to him, relax around him, enjoy the time you spend with him, trust him. It's possible neither of you were in the 'right place' to start this relationship but he really doesn't seem to be going out of his way to improve things.

Did you propose because you were certain that you wanted to spend your life with him, or because you were hoping it would reassure him/convince him that you were committed to him?

Twinklestein Sun 20-Dec-15 17:09:11

Well I'll tell you what to do you need to leave.

He has major problems, insecurity, paranoia, control, jealousy - and this is shaping up into an abusive relationship.

longingforfun Sun 20-Dec-15 17:12:30

Doesn't sound like you've got a promising future together. I would LTB.

lauraann137 Sun 20-Dec-15 17:13:58

It's not abusive twinklestein he has never laid a finger on me, andglibliit I proposed because I love him with everything , my heart and my sole I do want to marry him and grow old together and purposing to him should have proved that

lauraann137 Sun 20-Dec-15 17:14:49

What's ltb

Allalonenow Sun 20-Dec-15 17:16:13

He is a controlling manipulative abuser who will make your life unbearable.

Get away from him as fast as you can.

Gliblet Sun 20-Dec-15 17:19:24

Proposing isn't meant to be about 'proving' anything sweetheart. And I can see what Twinklestein meant - he's got you running in circles trying to reassure him, concentrating on what he wants, stepping carefully in case you make him grumpy (ie letting him put all the blame for that on you instead of examining his behaviour himself and thinking about how he could make you happier), and he's got you defending him even after he's told you to fuck off? Not acceptable, but it's potentially a first step towards getting you used to being spoken to disrespectfully, which in turn opens the door for even worse treatment.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 20-Dec-15 17:26:12

He may not have laid a finger on you OP but he is mentally torturing you, despite you loving him with your heart and soul, you will never make him happy, there will always be that one thing you did that spoilt everything. A few more years with this type of man and you will be a nervous wreck.Get rid of him, before you invest anymore time in the relationship.

Twinklestein Sun 20-Dec-15 17:29:10

OP you need to read up on emotional abuse, you seem think domestic abuse is only physical.

I don't have time to fill you, I'm sure someone else will.

AnyFucker Sun 20-Dec-15 17:30:53

Where to start ? confused

Goingtobeawesome Sun 20-Dec-15 17:33:07

I couldn't be bothered to read it all as a few lines in was enough sad. Get out. Get out now.

You are being controlled.

He is grooming you to be an abused wife.

Marchate Sun 20-Dec-15 18:02:41

1. Don't marry him
2. Stop the heart-to-hearts. Every intimate secret you tell him will be twisted and used as a weapon against you one day

He is emotionally abusing you

What made his previous relationship so bad? If he claims she was a b**ch, that's another possible indicator of Emotional Abuse

Look up EA. You may be surprised at what you read. It IS about you, sadly

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius Sun 20-Dec-15 18:50:14

Op it doesn't have to be physical to be abusive. Most abusers use their tongue and manipulative situations rather than their fists. Your relationship is abusive. Ask yourself if you feel abused. You do. That is why you have posted. Don't marry him or you are locked into this forever.

Cabrinha Sun 20-Dec-15 19:05:32

He's an arsehole.

Any one thing is enough to run a mile. But let's pick one - accusing you of sleeping with your ex. How disgustingly disrespectful is that? He thinks you're a cheat who would fuck your ex. Nice. He thinks you're a piece of shit, then?

Lovey, he knows you haven't slept with your ex, it's just a way to be nasty to you, which he enjoys.

And you're exposing your kids to this. Do you really want a man like this in their lives?

Even if he was lovely and "just" messed up with "trust issues" (bullshit, frankly) he should go sort that and propose to you when he's done enough work on himself to get past it. He won't - he doesn't have trust issues, he likes the excuse for being a grade A shit.

Interesting that his ex thinks he's bad enough she wants to keep him away from their child. You need to protect yours too. And yourself.

You poor thing - I guess previous relationship has fucked with your head and your boundaries. Do the Freedom Programme, please.

Lweji Sun 20-Dec-15 19:08:33

Definitely get out. As soon as possible.

Even more so because you have children.

Lweji Sun 20-Dec-15 19:10:00

You were out of a bad relationship and, unfortunately, you have fallen into another.

Please read about abuse and how you can spot the signs.

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 20-Dec-15 19:11:57

He sounds like a dickhead. You sound unhappy. Do you think you want to end it?

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 19:26:39

Abuse isn't just physical. Google emotional abuse.

You are in an abussive relationship.

lauraann137 Mon 21-Dec-15 04:10:19

I love him so much though he has had it tough, I tried sorting things out with him tonight we ended up arguing and bought up every past argument, he said he thinks I'm hiding another side to me a nasty one, so what will be will be, he said he will start making his own plans (means a girl on the side) because .... you no what I don't nono why.

When things are going good everything is great and it can be like that for weeks then out of no where he starts an argument and now it's 4:10am and I'm uncontrollable crying in bed whilst I think he is downstairs,

SnowBallsAreHere Mon 21-Dec-15 04:25:19

^ read what they are saying...

Will see if I can find you a link from the relationship board in a minute (am I guess different time zone to you)

SnowBallsAreHere Mon 21-Dec-15 04:27:10

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Not been on this board for yonks but wish I have the link right.

If not it's the one always at the top.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 21-Dec-15 04:32:27

You cannot fix him. Nothing you do will ever be enough. You will never love him enough, reassure him enough, prove to him enough for him to stop treating you like this.
If you stay with him this will be your life, forever. Do you have kids?

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Mon 21-Dec-15 04:52:22

Get away from this man, yes you love him but nothing you do willl ever be good enough.

MoominPie22 Mon 21-Dec-15 06:08:10

I second wot everyone else is saying so I won't duplicate. How old are you btw? Not meaning to patronize but please learn from the women that have experience of this type of treatment and have learned the hard way.

I too ( years ago ) thought I could change Dickhead boyfriends and I'd feel sorry for them, focusing in on the odd "good time" and ignoring all the shit treatment and behaviour which took up most of the relationship. You're on a hiding to nowhere and it is utterly futile, I can tell you.

It sounds to me like you'd be far better off single and cultivate some self-worth/esteem, whilst pursuing what you want from your life e.g, career, education, hobbies, friends. A partner who's mood changes like the wind is always a major red flag for predicting the future, in my experience.

He should be consistently treating you well and you should know where you stand with him and be 100% confident you'll be happy as a married cpl. The fact you're on here just goes to show me that you have misgivings and are looking for confirmation. Please heed wot these wise ladies are telling you Laura cos they're not talking out of their arses.flowers

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