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How do I confront DM?

(8 Posts)
squeezed Sun 20-Dec-15 16:04:24

I don't want to drip feed so a bit of background first. I grew up in a stately homes type family, parents put their many, many issues onto me from a young age and I've been sorting out their Mh and financial issues out for years. DM lived with us rent free for a few months, run around sorting out problems for her, given her money and support over the years. DM and Df are divorced but he is coming to stay from overseas between Christmas and new year. DM is coming for a few days over Christmas. This is relevant because she brings on the sob story that she has nobody. I've suggested she seeks counselling to manage these extreme emotions because it's only for a few days that we don't see her. Don't get me started on Df, that's a whole new thread of issues!

Was told by DB that DM has been saying to her colleagues that she has no plans at Christmas, giving the impression that she has been abandoned. SIL overheard this and corrected her and the colleagues. I'm really pissed off because she likes to try to get people feeling sorry for her and will lie to do so. I'm always so careful with confronting her because of the years of her using anything she didn't like as an excuse (it has always been an excuse) for her being depressed and trying to get attention or expecting me to sort it out.

I've been off work for 2 months with pregnancy sickness, I've gone through years of therapy to deal with the mess my parents made of my childhood and I've had enough. I was so close to ringing her up and uninviting her for christmas so she will be on her own. Normally I just absorb what she does because the fallout is too much to contemplate dealing with. I'm just not sure how to deal with it calmly when I'm so angry.

DoreenLethal Sun 20-Dec-15 16:08:43

What are you planning on confronting her about?

squeezed Sun 20-Dec-15 16:15:05

Her telling people that she has no plans and suggesting that she has been abandoned. Sorry should have been a bit more clear.

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 16:34:49

Maybe a quick text to say "I understand through DB that you're not now planning to come to us at Xmas, as you told friends you had no plans to see anyone. Perhaps that's for the best - have a lovely day. We'll catch up in the new year."

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 16:36:11

Of course, this will simply bring on another bout of hysteria, martyrdom, wails and sobs of "I'm a terrible mother and everyone hates me!" and massive guilt tripping.

That's what mine would do, anyway, which is why we're now NC!

I highly recommend uninviting if you can swing it. Then make sure you switch your phones off.

MedicalAdviceNeeded Sun 20-Dec-15 16:36:46

Excellent advice from pocketsaviour.

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 16:43:25

Trouble is, by confronting you put SIL in the shit.

squeezed Sun 20-Dec-15 17:06:07

Pocketsaviour I think we have the same DM! I would really love to uninvited her but don't think I could do it. I tried in therapy but I can't get over all the years of emotional manipulation. I know she won't change and although I've accepted that, this time it has really upset and angered me. Probably as I feel so unappreciated at quite a difficult time for me when I've done so much for her.

It might put SIL in a difficult situation but she's very able to manage these sort of things. It just feels like I can't let her get away with it, if that makes sense.

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