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Tug of war between baby daddy and granny

(27 Posts)
HaleyLondon Sun 20-Dec-15 15:53:54

Both my unborn childs relatives live 7 hours apart and I don't drive.Both want me to live with them.Baby-daddy has a clean flat and relatives offering financial assistance/support while Mother has dirty cluttered house with 7 dogs who are not house-trained who are very nippy and noisy that rule the roost.I have been offfered a most likely 6 month-1 yr wait for social housing but my baby is due in less than 2months in the meantime besides living in a kind of emergency hostel mum and baby daddy are my options.My mum is making me feel so guilty for wanting to move out but I find the idea of making formula up in her doggy kitchen gross and while midwives have suggested me locking myself in my boiler room bedroom of my mums house as dogs wee on my bed jump up and challenge me. I know with needing formula (there are medical reasons I may not be able to breastfeed)it could be very very impractical and stressful.My mum keeps on telling me to stay living with her and wait and see how her 7 dogs react to the baby when it comes but I fear by then I'll be so exhausted and homelife with mum would have ruined my baby/pregnancy/birth experience.The dogs refuse to use the garden down to foxes(my mum constantly is concerned by their feelings and them being scared keeps the lights on of the entire house bar my room all night every night in case the dogs get scared of the dark.Every day the floor is getting crapped on and my mum is comparing my baby to another puppy (she has hand reared puppies)and thinks she will be a great help.How do I let go of my guilt at leaving my mum and her smelly house?My midwife is not keen for me to move such a distance as it would mean changing midwives drs and hospitals and I'd have to take my notes with me and do a transfer but at the same time she doesn't have to live like this.Feel so guilty and frustrated both my mother and midwife have made me feel guilty like I should just lock myself in my bedroom and be patientsad

Pico2 Sun 20-Dec-15 15:59:05

So the choice seems to be "unsuitable home but less paperwork for midwife" or "suitable home but a bit of paperwork to do". Is that it?

Pippidoeswhatshewants Sun 20-Dec-15 15:59:06

It is not up to your mum or your midwife to decide what is best.
You are going to be a mum very soon, and you decide what's best for you and your baby. Good luck!

magoria Sun 20-Dec-15 16:02:03


How could anyone live in a house with dogs crapping all over the floor baby on the way or not.

I'm confused about the baby daddy thing. Are you not in a relationship? What is the story there?

category12 Sun 20-Dec-15 16:02:35

Hang on for your own place.

Neither of the offers sounds good to me - you don't say anything about the relationship between you and the baby's father. With a newborn is not the time to find yourself dependent for a home on someone you don't know well or have a troubled relationship with. You could find yourself back on the waiting list and in a worse situation.

Stick it out for your own place near your mother or support.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 20-Dec-15 16:07:37

I'm a dog lover, but no way on this earth would I bring my newborn baby home to a filthy house where seven dogs shit where they like. I'd go to my in laws and would not even feel obliged to consider my Mums feelings. I certainly wouldn't be locking myself away or seeing how the dogs react to the baby. PLease put your own needs first, your new born babies safety has to be your priority. I hope the wait for social housing is not too long, have you considered renting privately ?

RudeElf Sun 20-Dec-15 16:11:22

Wait for your own place. You dont have to live with either of them. Your mum's house is disgusting btw. No way should a midwife be recommending you have your newborn live there. Dog shit and piss everywere? hmm

timelytess Sun 20-Dec-15 16:33:12

Check yourself out. Why are you using the term 'baby daddy'? Please stop. Go nowhere near him - caring for a newborn is a full time job, you don't need the distraction of having him around. If you'd lived together for years, that would be different.
You are quite right about your mother's house, your baby shouldn't have to live there and nor should you. Do not feel guilty. Walk away. Talk to your midwife tomorrow and explain the urgency of you having emergency clean, safe accommodation for yourself now and your baby in due course.

HaleyLondon Sun 20-Dec-15 16:46:43

Thanks for the advice I know that my mother's house is not a genuine good option at this point in time with the dog situation I just feel so bad for all the guilt she has inflicted.I guess baby daddy as we are not a proper couple and yes I know the perfect relationship scenario is often years in the making.He is the more enthusiastic parent but I'm not 100 percent sure he is the one and yes I recognise peoples pointssmile

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 16:50:53

What is the exact situation the child's father is proposing? That you will effectively be flat-mates? Would you have your own bedroom, etc, or is he expecting you to have sex with him?

RedMapleLeaf Sun 20-Dec-15 17:14:09

Is "baby daddy" just another way of saying, "my child's father"?

Pico2 Sun 20-Dec-15 19:15:38

Has your midwife actually seen your mum's house? It sounds like an environment that social services might question (though I am no expert).

Cabrinha Sun 20-Dec-15 19:24:04

Get the father of the child to give his child financial assistance to live in a clean house local to where you are now?

It doesn't sound wise to move 7 hours away to move in with a man you're not in a relationship with and who presumably is only accidentally the father of the baby.

I thought baby-daddy meant a teenager who had got someone pregnant? Which I presume he isn't if he has a flat.

Do the housing people know that your current home is filthy?

Fairenuff Sun 20-Dec-15 21:05:28

I think the emergency hostel might be your best bet. You are more likely to find a more permanent home that way. Moving in with the child's father could prove to be very complicated and no way can you live with your mum as she lets dogs shit all over the house.

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 22:04:55

The phrase "baby daddy" means "the father of my child, with whom I am not in a relationship."

RedMapleLeaf Sun 20-Dec-15 22:09:09

So you would live with him, but not be in an intimate relationship with him?? Why the childish language? confused

amarmai Sun 20-Dec-15 23:15:41

baby daddy is an Americanism. Op have you applied for assistance regarding housing? Do you have info re how to do this? Who can help you with this?

Letseatgrandma Sun 20-Dec-15 23:22:27

Please don't use the term baby daddy!

pocketsaviour Mon 21-Dec-15 07:06:27

Please don't use the term baby daddy!


ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Mon 21-Dec-15 07:28:38

FFS, it's not really the point of her question, is it?

SavoyCabbage Mon 21-Dec-15 07:39:53

Tell you midwife that you are definitely not moving in with your mother. It's not going to happen. What alternatives does she know about?

I moved when I was pregnant from one end of the country to another and it was totally fine, paperwork wise. However I don't think you should move seven hours away for accommodation. Do get on with the baby's father? What is he saying he wants to happen.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 21-Dec-15 07:45:58

FFS, it's not really the point of her question, is it?

I was wondering about that (based on my limited understanding of the bloody phrase). But I'm not so sure. There's something I can't put my finger on, but it's a bit of a cutesy term that doesn't reflect the gravity of being a child's father. Secondly it implies a relationship with the man that for some reason you're not labelling partner, husband, bastard ex etc. Reading seems to suggest that in America one man can be "baby daddy" to quite a few women at the same time. It's a deliberate and accepted choice and doesn't imply a level of respect or financial responsibility. I'm suspicious that it's a label that lets the man off the hook in terms of responsibility.

So I agree, stop using the term.

hesterton Mon 21-Dec-15 07:56:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Mon 21-Dec-15 08:27:41

OP isn't in a hostel, she's at her mum's already.

I think it's fine to pick up on the 'baby daddy' term because it's not Lear what it means, and her relationship with him is part of making suggestions.

One PP thought it was a cute-sy term, but I thought it was for a very young (teenage) father - a baby themselves. I certainly think it has an implication of fecklessness.

So until we know what OP means by baby daddy, we have no idea what kind of relationships she's talking about. And that affects whether it's wise to advise that she moves to him.

How do you know him OP, if he's 7 hours away? Do you have any other links in the area? Transferring midwife is nothing. It's the emotional and practical support that's an issue here, not the medical support.

niceupthedance Mon 21-Dec-15 08:59:15

Baby daddy is a cultural reference (not 'an Americanism').

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