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Young children and husbands.

(92 Posts)
BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 13:52:26

Before I go on I don't really know why I'm posting, other than desperation really.

I've got 3 DCs, the eldest is just 5 and the youngest is 11wks. It's really hard, obviously, I knew it would be. Don't have parents or family to help out, although oldest is at school and middle goes to CM a couple of times a week

But I'm so bastard bastard tired. I've had 10hrs sleep in the last 48, as a result of a combination of baby not settling in the evening, wrapping Christmas presents, cooking (to feed and advance prep for Christmas). We've had family guests last night and this eve, then I have my sole Christmas event on Monday (for which I have to get ready with the DCs creating their usual havoc, drop the oldest two with sitters, take youngest (and probably BF all eve) and then leave early to collect, all the while having not had a drink because a) in BFing and b) I'll be driving), then I have to do a late night supermarket shop because I failed to book a delivery slot early enough. The children won't give a shit about Christmas really and DH is usually grumpy for some reason I haven't yet got to the bottom of (but it happens every single bastard year). I love Christmas but know there isn't anyone who really gives enough of a shit/takes any responsibility to do anything to make it enjoyable for me. If I want to 'do' a tradition I have to sort and then try to grit my teeth and bloody force myself to enjoy amidst the endless complaints bickering and whining.

I had hoped that the youngest two would be asleep while DH toon eldest to a friends for an hour or so, so I could get some rest. But guess what? The baby woke as he was leaving, I know she won't sleep if I put her down now, and sure enough she feeds, goes to sleep on the boob, but wakes the second I move her. So I can sleep.

Had a grumpy face a big sigh and a minor strop as DH was leaving and his response? 'This is the way our life is. You just have to get to used it'. It ENRAGES me to the point where I just wanted to scream and storm out. I feel so disempowered and utterly lacking in control. I talked to him on Friday about going back to work at the end of Jan for 8hrs a wk, just to give myself some space. But he thinks baby is too young for the CM and doesn't want to give her formula. For the same reason he's just about to veto my night out with the girls in Jan. He thinks I should express milk for her...but I just don't get on with it can't bear the final physical indignity of being an actual dairy cow. He points out that others do it and just can't or won't comprehend that I just don't want to do it.

Fuck fuck I could go on and on and on and on. There so much inequity between us at the moment. He can't understand why I'm so frustrated and angry and I think he just criticises me all the time. I don't think he cuts me enough slack given what I'm doing at the moment...in fact I don't think he's grateful or respectful of it.

Maybe I wonder why, given this whole thing ^^ is such a bloody cliche, men and women keep having this experience. What can I practically do to make it better? I love him and want it to be ok. But right now I could cheerfully actually murder him.

VimFuego101 Sun 20-Dec-15 13:58:27

I think you need a break, and your DH doesn't get the final say on your child going to a CM/ switching to formula if he isn't willing to step up and actually do something to give you a rest.

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 13:59:19

(I can't sleep because she's on me and suckling. Every time I move she wakes and bellows. Won't sleep in the Moses. I know she'll sleep if I take her out in the pram but a) dc2 is asleep upstairs b) it's pissing with rain. So again. I'm awake while every other fucker sleeps. Then I'm grumpy because and ineffective because I'm tired. Then everyone complains because I'm grumpy and ineffectual. And if DH tells me he's tired one MORE BASTARD TIME I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS.....)

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 14:00:55

Vim. Your post just made me cry. Pathetically I just feel that I want someone to care for me. And take over for a bit so I don't have to be in control all the time.

LeaLeander Sun 20-Dec-15 14:05:16

Sounds like you need some professional help.

I know it's controversial but so many of the Mumsnet laments are due to breastfeeding issues. Your baby has had nearly three months of it, many people have thrived with far less. I'd switch to formula so he can take an equal share of the feeds.

And drop the holiday "traditions" till the kids are in school. Why put that pressure on yourself?

Samaritan1 Sun 20-Dec-15 14:05:20

I expressed every feed for my son for 7 months, I hated every second. Fgs, it's your body. If your husband doesn't want her to have formula then he can try sitting in front of a milking machine for what feels like hours to get a pathetic 2 oz out of his sore, aching boobs.

The odd formula feed is not a disaster if you really need that break. It really sounds like you do op. 11 weeks on bm is more than most babies get, you've done brilliantly. Really, amazingly well.

Look after yourself, you are important too thanks

Supermanspants Sun 20-Dec-15 14:09:28

You sound utterly ground down and exhausted. Consider switching to formula. Your decision, not your DH's.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 20-Dec-15 14:09:49

Prioritise yourself. Dial down the cooking, give up on the housework. Send DH to M&S with a list of ready prepared food to buy. Buy some ready made formula and answer every question by reference to the criterion "what will make my life easiest".

Hopefully this will ease the crisis. The decision about returning to work needs a conversation probably best not had whilst you are this exhausted (but yes, FGS get back to work and give the baby formula).

ProfGrammaticus Sun 20-Dec-15 14:11:18

Also don't bigger with any "traditions" this year. Kids are too small and you are too knackered. Try again next year when things will be easier and they are old enough to appreciate and remember them.

ProfGrammaticus Sun 20-Dec-15 14:11:40

bigger
bother

category12 Sun 20-Dec-15 14:11:45

It won't always be like this. flowers

Your dh isn't the boss of you, so go back to work for the 8hrs and use formula if needed. Of course he gets an opinion, but at base, it's your body and your mental health at stake. That bit of independence could be crucial.

Wish I could send you some good long hours of peaceful sleep.

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 14:16:37

I totally agree re formula. It's absolutely fine - Heath and well being of children is about so so much more than what they consume. But I'm not up to the fight with DH at the moment - haven't got the energy and just get so angry so quickly. The second I do that I lose the argument.

I know that I just need some rest...and actually feel so much better having read all your posts. Thank you some positive reinforcement and support does wonders.

As soon as we start talking we get into competitive tiredness and whose life is more shit. I know it's just a phase but can't for the life of me understand why he can't see how hard this is and cut me some slack. I know working is hard (I've done it, remember?). And I know he takes responsibility for funding us all. But really. He's slightly more tired and slightly more poor than before. But otherwise his life is exactly the same. As is his body.

RNBrie Sun 20-Dec-15 14:18:20

I'm pregnant with dc3 at the moment and I dread the tiredness. I feel for you.

I'm in south west London. If you're local to me I'll come and push the baby around the block for you for a couple of hours any time. You can repay the favour in around 7 months time.

More importantly, you need to speak to dh about how you are feeling. There are no winners when you play the competitive tiredness game, it's miserable for everyone. Your dc are going to be young for ages and you owe it to yourselves to find a way you both get a break and whatever else you need.

Finola1step Sun 20-Dec-15 14:18:33

Wise advice on this thread. How I wish I had Mumsnet when ds was a baby and I was literally on my knees, sobbing with tiredness and frustration.

One step at a time. Chose I thing that will make your life easier. I vote for calming down on the Xmas stuff and sending DH to M and S, Waitrose etc for nice food.

Ready made formula is very handy.

drinkyourmilk Sun 20-Dec-15 14:22:20

Your post reads so well, and says everything it needs to without conflict.
Show it to your husband.
(Generally I think it's bollocks when people say that, but in this case it may work).
Oh, and you can have a small glass of wine. It won't get into your milk.

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 14:23:37

Dc3 now wide awake and smiling and gurgling beautifully and beguilingly. God I love her

Have texted DH to say that instead of writing the Christmas shopping list this eve he and I can sit and talk about what ready food we want to make my life easier and I'll just do a supermarket sweep for stuff in pretty shiny packets on Tuesday eve.

Thank you all. I am really grateful. You've made a real and immediate difference to my afternoon. hormonal mood swings? Me?

MumCodes Sun 20-Dec-15 14:25:37

Another mum of the here, oldest 4 (but at school) and youngest 7 weeks

Bloody hell woman, you're doing an AMAZING amount. No way have I been capable of that much. I made soup yesterday and felt i deserved a medal. Prepping for Christmas? Incredible!

You need to cut yourself some slack. Is it perhaps because you've been coping so incredibly well that your DH thinks you're a pro at this? There's plenty you've listed that he could have done (perhaps not to the same standard), so you need to start delegating the things you can, unless your husband can lactate...

Re. sleep, oh God, I hear you! Have you tried lying down in bed to bf? Then if you both doze off for a bit at least you get a rest too. My DH went out twice this week and slept on the sofa (can't cosleep if he's been drinking). A king size bed for me and DD was amazing, best (broken) nights sleep I've had since she was born.

If your DH thinks this is what your life is like now, perhaps you've been hiding too well how tired you are. Babies will sleep eventfully, saying otherwise is unhelpful.

Good luck, xx

GreenRug Sun 20-Dec-15 14:25:47

. Time to put your foot down op. Your husband does not get to decide what you do. If he's that bothered let him go and apply for paternity leave and he can get on with the daily drudgery. I had a very similar situation with the breastfeeding thing when my eldest was 3 weeks old, dh not happy about me wanting to switch to formula. I ended up in such a state over all the pressure I had pnd for months. I'm not saying you'll get it, I'm just saying it is for you to recognise what is going to make life easier right now, it's your body, 3 small kids are a fucking nightmare (but lovely, yes I promise i do love them smile ), you must now look after yourself.

MumCodes Sun 20-Dec-15 14:27:15

Hah, in the time it took me to write my ramble, you have sorted your problem. grin I'm off back to my soup...

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 14:32:46

Mumcodes; you enjoy that soup, Lady. And thank you x

HermioneWeasley Sun 20-Dec-15 14:33:57

I'm not sure why you're doing so much? Even if he's working full time, that's still evenings and weekends where he can be making himself useful.

And like fuck does he get a say about whether you continuing breastfeeding.

Was he always a twat or did it only come to light after Dc3 was born?

LeaLeander Sun 20-Dec-15 14:34:26

Your husband can express a preference but he does NOT get the final say re formula. It's your body and physical and mental health at stake. Purchase the formula supplies, sort out a feeding schedule and move on.

Why do you give him so much control at grave expense to your own well being??

Goingtobeawesome Sun 20-Dec-15 14:37:46

It seems quite clear why you aren't allowed to formula feed or go out. He wants you tied. He wants any excuse not to parents and as for this is the way your life is? Yes, it is the way YOUR life is, not fucking his!!

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 20-Dec-15 14:38:18

The only person who gets to decide what someone does with breasts is the person they are attached to!

BusyCee Sun 20-Dec-15 14:40:46

Because I'm tired and have totally lost perspective and clarity. That's why I posted I suppose, to get some sound guidance on how to navigate this sensibly

He's not a twat. He can be selfish and stubborn. And sometimes he sticks too rigidly to principles that don't directly affect him. But in essence he's a good man and we have a good marriage. I'm a twat when I'm tired and lost too (like suggesting he just fucking leave and pay his salary into our joint account until the DCs are all at school and he can be more supportive. Not a kind thing to say. Or helpful)

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