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to stay or go?!

(16 Posts)
Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 11:29:35

So i'll try keep this short. Me and oh have been together 9 years. Engaged with 3 kids.
He has his problems (mainly drink/aggression) always has but at the beginning we were young and free and they didnt impact much on anything. Now with the kids the dynamic has shifted. I gave up my job to raise the kids and let him keep his since he earns more. He works long days away from home, se are both shattered and get very little time together. Weve built up a resentment which seems to go both ways. I resent his freedom at work, his freedom to nip out, see friends etc whenever he likes, i resent the fact he has all our money and spends it however he wants all the time. He tells me its mine too but if i want to do anything it almost has to be something he approves of spending his money on or its a no. I hate asking him for money anyway so any negative response from him when i do just instantly upsets and angers me. He works hard for him money but it just doesnt feel fair. He resents the fact i 'dont work' and get to 'enjoy' the kids who he misses so much when hes away! That i get everything 'given to me' which is something i dont want and dont really feel is true since its only things he wants to give. He resents i have all this 'free time' to see friends.. When i have three toddlers all day and am stuck in house with them every eve! I dont get much real time with friends. He can book holidays trips away with his friends buy gifts for people etc anything without thought! I cant! He thinks being at home is a luxury and not work at all. He thinks i should do everything around the house and has many times grunted at me if theres dust on something or clutter lying around! He never cleans anything or washes a dish. Ive started questioning myself as to wether its even fair for me to expect him too?!
Recently things have gotten worse. We bicker alot. We cant even seem to get on as friends. I feel like he constantly digs at me. He feels like im constantly putting him down and taking his money for granted.
I tell him the things that upset me and rather than sit and talk he gets his back up straight away the more calm clear and simple i try and be the more he says im patronising him, ive tried writing it down he thought that was stupid and i should be able to talk to him! he wont do councelling to help us communicate our problems so im at a loss at how to fix anything.
So when we're together we barely talk weve shut down on both sides, i feel ive lost myself. We never show affection, in honesty i dont want to.
He drinks alot, and is awful when drunk. This is a big element for me. Ive told him this he doesnt think he does drink too much.I dread him coming home after a drink as i never know what i'll get, a rant or a crying show. The way he behaves drunk also makes me not want to go out socialising with him anymore, which again is making us spend less time together. He drinks every other day at least!and never knows when to stop he thinks im being ridiculous and hes not that bad. Everyone around us sees him as hard work even his own friends dont know how i put up with him, yet he thinks its a joke and they dont think like that at all. Hes good crack as a mate drunk but as a partner not so much!
I bet your reading this thinking what are you with him for!? I ask myself the same, then i think of our kids, their faces when hes home from work! The laughs they share, all the trips and experiences they get. The money they have to have anything really. And what it'll be like for them if i left.. How id get by? How theyd get by? The alternative is me working fulltime them in childcare full time and us all barely making ends meet?! Let alone affording to do anything nice or give them anything nice.And i think he'd turn into an alcoholic aggressive psycho if i left too!? I think in my heart i know i should leave but i just dont know if i can

Yseulte Sun 20-Dec-15 11:37:37

It was a 'go' from me when I got to 'drink/aggression'.

The rest of the post merely confirms it.

You're not required to abnegate yourself for the good of the children and it will do them no good on the long run to have an aggressive alcoholic for a father. Save yourself and your children.

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:35:49

Realistically any break up would result in some kind of joint custody, he loves his kids and his kids love him. Hes not the best dad but he doesnt see that, nor do his kids who think hes great! I couldnt take them away from him, none of them deserve to
Lose eachother when they love eachother. but i do worry about the long term implications on the kids having alot of alone time with him, which would happen should we break up. Hed at least get a few days a week.At least with us together i can stop him Being around them when hes had a drink or take the kids out when hes in a mood. I can shield them better if im there. Im not sure how he'd be if he had them on his own.Is that foolish?!

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:49:01

And if i left him and took his kids away i can well imagine alot of what he'd be saying to them when he had them would be derogatory towards me. He doesnt understand why some things are inappropriate to say to kids, or the implications words have. He thinks his words and actions have no affect and if they do its the fault of the person they were directed too. He doesnt understand the difference between the minds of a child and adult. He already expects too much from them behaviour wise. He talks to them like they should understand things like an adult and they just dont

Yseulte Sun 20-Dec-15 13:27:22

He doesn't sound like he should have much access to the children, he's clearly irresponsible, and being drunk in charge of toddlers could lead to disaster.

Your children are very young, too young to understand that he's an abusive alcoholic. They may think he's great now, but that will change as they get older when they realise the truth.

He shouldn't get more than every other weekend, and if his drinking continues and social services get wind of it, he may lose that.

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 13:36:59

I dont want things to get nasty though i dont want to not be able to be amicable for our kids. I dont want to be using laws against him a pointing out every bad thing hes ever done. Hes made alot of mistakes but hes had a very troubled life and i guess i love him or at least i did at some time. His father was/is very heavily influenced by alcohol and i worry my kids will follow in his footsteps as he'll be the cool fun one with lots of money to spoil them and i'll be the one laying all the rules down i fear they'll go that way rather than realise hes wrong

Yseulte Sun 20-Dec-15 13:39:30

You're unlikely to be able to leave an abusive alcoholic without things getting nasty unfortunately. But he may come round in time.

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 13:54:01

Im not sure hes an alcoholic? what makes u an alcoholic!? I feel like his drinking has a massive impact on our lives but he would disagree. He looks at it like he has alot of friends and does nothing more than socialise with them. Problem is them friends are going out maybe once/twice a week.. Hes going out with different sets of friends as often as he can. He drinks every night after work when hes away. When hes home he thinks its his time off to relax so binges. Its more the fact that he doesnt know when to stop, all his friends take themselves home, hes always the last out looking for anyone to keep drinking with
That said he doesnt need to drink every day. He'd like too but he can go days without it. I dont know. I even feel guilty talking about him like this. All his family are drinkers, i dont think any of them have a problem with drinking and acting in an adult fashion around young kids. They occasionally recognise when they think hes having a phase of drinking 'too much' but dont hink they are ever too concerned. He has depression too which he point blank refuses to get help with. So that is always coming and going in our relationship

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 13:55:11

Oh god that's what being a SAHM should be.

The drinking and aggression would see me seeking separation.

The money situation can be fixed. It used to be similar with me and DH years ago. He didn't see a problem as in his mind all money was equally mine. I had to explain that there was no filter for his spending whereas I had to ask and couldn't be spontaneous.

We now split disposable income 50/50 and mine goes into my current account. No need for either of us yo ask the other about our spending that way. No arguments.

As far as the resentment goes from him, say you recognise his displeasure and you want to go back to work full time and want a trial run of him taking on 50% of the parenting/household duties for 2 weeks. If all goes well and he can manage full time plus 50% and your kids don't suffer you'd love the benefits of working as he has. Then be brave and let it fall apar!

Tbh though, even if you fixed the money situation and his attitude I'd still separate if he continues with the aggression and drinking.

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 13:56:03

As for the aggression its never physically, i mean he's hit or slammed doors in a temper but i dont think he'd ever hit out at me.maybe im silly to think that. He just has a really nasty way with words, he dislikes himself he takes his own problems outin the people around him and he refuses to fix his own issues

LeaLeander Sun 20-Dec-15 13:57:54

Chose to have Three kids out of wedlock with a known alcoholic, no carer or means of supporting yourself? Am I reading that correctly?

You cannot base your major life decisions on what three toddlers feel for this man at the moment. I assure you that as time goes on and he deteriorates further - and he will -their "love" will fade into fear and worse, just as yours have. You OWE them a better life.

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 14:08:53

Like i say im not sure he is an alcoholic. Or if im just over reacting to how much he drinks cos i dont like him drunk. Hes definatly admittedly got depression though and when hes bad with that he drinks. Im past seeing things clearly. Ive been made to feel like ive over reacted with alot over the years so ive started to believe some of it is me over reacting. But yes we chose to have all 3 of our kids. And yes i see now that that wasnt the best idea

Cautlyn8795 Sun 20-Dec-15 14:11:08

I would love to work. I would love to trial that. Problem is he earns too much to make it feasible we'd be alot worse off both working. Hed take a huge pay cut and we'd have childcare to pay for or kids to juggle ontop. We couldnt even trial it as he cant just leave his current job like that. And with him away from home i cant even get a part time job cos id pay more out for childcare

Yseulte Sun 20-Dec-15 14:39:25

Whether you want to call him a problem drinker or an alcoholic is up to you, the issue remains the same.

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 15:41:34

I would love to trial that. Problem is he earns too much to make it feasible we'd be alot worse off both working

I appreciate that. I was in the same position.

The point of that is for it to dawn on him that he'd have to work more to cover his share and to be worse off for the privilege!

It's an exercise in making him wake up to how unfair he is being and how you're unpaid time at home benefits him as much as your kids as well as identifying the sacrifices you are making to your independence for him and your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 20-Dec-15 16:09:31

Alcoholism is truly a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic. Your recovery from this will only begin when he is gone from your day to day life.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. Some do act like your man, hold down jobs and drive. They do not all sit on park benches with paper bags.

This is basically a relationship that lurches and has lurched from one crisis to another; its never been stable for very long if at all. I doubt very much he will ever get around to marrying you either.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?. If you are staying purely for the children you are basically showing them that on some level this is acceptable to you (and by turn they have to accept it as well). Any child will love a parent no matter how crap they actually are.
You are acting as many people do in such relationships with the alcoholic; as provoker and enabler. You also seem to act out co-dependent patterns in this relationship as well. Co-dependency often features heavily in such dysfunctional relationships.

I think life would be a lot calmer for you and these children if he was not in it day to day.

Is this really what you want to show them about relationships, that staying with an alcoholic is really the way forward?. You cannot stop him acting like a berk and you are not doing that either; what you are showing them is that this is acceptable to you.

He is likely self medicating any depression with drink but you forget here that alcohol is also a depressant. He is holding down a job, well for now anyway. He may well go onto lose that and everything and everyone around him and still continue to drink afterwards.

His father drank heavily and it is of no surprise whatsoever that his son, this man, is the same. Alcoholism can also be learnt.

He loves alcohol more than his children; they are certainly not at the top of his priority list. His next thoughts are centered around where the next drink is going to come from.

You and your children deserve a better life; they will also not thank you for staying with their dad should you choose to. They will despise you instead, perhaps even more than their own alcoholic father because they will be left with a raft of emotional problems pertaining to being a child of an alcoholic as a result.

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