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Advice for the future needed.(6 Posts)
Just that really. I've no idea what I'm doing or how to handle the situation I find myself in or even if I'm currently handling it correctly.
My ExP and I broke up over a year and half ago when he walked out and gave me the spiel of "I love you I'm just not in love with you" and you probably know what happened after that. We briefly got back together because I was stupid, weak and vulnerable at that point after my Granddad passed away. Low and behold he is seen by a work colleague with the same girl who seemed to miraculously have a relationship with him (enough to call her self Mrs. UtterWanker to be at the end of her texts) after a few weeks. At this point the glass shattered and I saw him for everything he actually was. Controlling, manipulative and self centred. It was a turning point for me and I came out determined and stronger to make my life better without him for me and our DD.
I cannot fault that he is a good dad to her. He sees her as often as he can and the time they spend together seems, on the surface at least, to be good quality bonding time. However, his behaviour towards me has become increasingly worse and more and more manipulative. For example, I have been under a lot of stress at work and forgot a couple of appointments I had made with people that couldn't be moved. These happened to coincide with our trip to see Father Christmas (We had agreed to do together for DD) I held my hands up apologised and made all the arrangements for DD and ExP to go without me as it wasn't fair for DD to miss out because of my mistake. He was meant to come round at 7.30am to pick DD up and drop her back at 4pm. He let himself in to our house at 6am, everyone was asleep, I found this very unsettling. My housemate found this unsettling. Exp has a key strictly for emergencies only, I will now be asking for it back and giving it to my parents instead. At 2pm, I receive a text saying there's a problem and I need to get back straight away they had already gone back to mine. I asked what the problem was and receive an image of a tissue covered in poo and arse blood. I was absolutely disgusted and said as much, it was so unnecessary. He could have just said I'm not feeling well. Previously, he has got inches from my face in an argument enough for me to feel intimidated and also like I was going to physically retaliate if he didn't back off (I didn't, as I figured he wanted to get a reaction out of me).
Anyway, recently (for 2 and a half months) I have been seeing a person who is lovely and kind, he is a friend of a friend and so knows my DD through social events and knows a rough idea of my situation i.e I seperated from my ExP and am a single mum. My DD knows him as a friend of mine, However he is coming to a wedding with us in Feb. When I am around him I feel so relaxed and I can actually smile and laugh which is so rare nowadays. I have no idea what to do anymore. Part of me wants to tell him not to bother with me because who in there right mind would want to get mixed up in the endless torrent of shit that is my life? I don't know if I should tell ExP, does he have a right to know? What if he reacts badly? How do I ease my daughter into the idea of me being in a new relationship? I'm al;ready going as slowly as a Tortoise and this new guy is Mr.PatienceOfASaint.
Sorry for the insanely long post but as you can probably tell I'm stressed out and at the end of my tether.
How old is your DD, has she previously met your new DP before you got together? I'm not sure 2 1/2 months could be classed as going as slowly as a tortoise.
It's up to your new DP to decide whether he wants to be with you or not, he's an adult who can think for himself, there's no need to make up his mind for him! However you do give a lot of background info about your ex which tbh doesn't appear to have much bearing on your actual question. It makes me wonder whether you're actually ready to have a relationship yet as your head seems in a muddle, are you worried you might be on the rebound?
My DD is 5. She has met him before at social events with mutual friends of ours but we were just friends at the time. So she is used to being around him. By saying were going slowly I mean that we haven't stayed at each others houses and he is very respectful of the fact my DD comes first in my life. My first port of call is to make sure I am spending enough quality time with her. Bf is currently away on a holiday with his family for a month so I was taking the time to try and sort the situation before the wedding we are going to. I know for certain this is not rebound as I was not looking for or actively seeking a relationship with anyone it was a purely right time right place kind of thing.
The reason for the background was to clarify the way he has been acting and seek advice on how to handle the situation. Given ex's behaviour recently I'm not sure whether I should tell him or wait till he has calmed down I.e after Christmas when things are less stressful.
You are right though my head is a little muddled at the moment. Which is why I think it's good bf is away currently as it gives me time to sort out everything before he gets back. Sorry if this is all jumbled. Thankyou for answering.
Also just to say, we haven't gone out with DD as we didn't want to confuse her and make sure she has adjusted to the idea of me dating following the advice of a friend of mine who was in a similar situation. We have stuck to going out together on our own or the events with friends that have been pre organised. Sorry if I'm drip feeding.
Your ex doesn't need to know regardless of your background with him, it's none of his business! Especially as he didn't afford you the same courtesy regarding his GF. In any case it's pointless stirring things up when you don't even know yourself yet how things will go with your new DP.
If your DD is already used to your DP in a friends capacity then I don't see why you couldn't continue along that line with her for a while.
Thanks Temps. I think I was in need of some hand holding. It's hard having never been in this situation knowing whether I'm doing the right thing.
I hadn't really thought of the fact exP didn't let me know. I definitely don't want to stir up anything until I know for certain what way this new relationship is heading. Fingers crossed it's in a good way.
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