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should I be hurt by this?

(26 Posts)
Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 09:46:09

DH and I have a joint friend.
A few years ago we went through a family member dying who we were all very close to.
It was quite a horrific time and during this we got very close to this lady.
She was adopted and had no family and my DH took on the role of her 'adopted' brother.
Looked at DH phone yesterday (I knowblush).
He sent her a txt message late on Friday saying. "Saw Kylie on TV and she really reminds me of you"
She replied "a lot of people have said that".
He then said " if she had a tiny bit of your beauty she would be very lucky"
She replied "love you bruv x"
I don't know why but I am very hurt by this. He never shows me any love or affection.
I don't think that anything would happen between them but I'm just hurt by his words.
Should I be upset?

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 09:49:04

Depends on the intent. DH and o can admire beauty and tell others to boost their confidence without it being any more than that.

Why is it you feel that what your DH did isn't that?

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 09:56:04

Maybe it was that but I just feel it was a bit inappropriate.
Also I guess because he would never ever say or send me a message like that.

pictish Sun 20-Dec-15 09:59:51

I think I would be hurt by that, yes.

Borninthe60s Sun 20-Dec-15 10:02:11

Why were you checking his phone.

Yes I'd be hurt. But tell him you need him to sometimes say how lovely you look and pay you more attention as you are feeling a bit (your own words)

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 10:10:31

Don't know why I checked his phone. Not because I was checking up on him. It was just lying there and I looked.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 20-Dec-15 10:12:35

I'd be hurt, and it's an inappropriate thing to say to a woman who you're not coming on to.

bittapitta Sun 20-Dec-15 10:16:02

Yes I'd be hurt by this, it crosses a line. You say this to an actual brother/sister. Leave aside the fact he doesn't compliment you like this, it is an inappropriate compliment for him to give someone he's not flirting with.

bittapitta Sun 20-Dec-15 10:16:32

*you WOULDN'T say this to a brother or sister, I meant

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 10:22:25

So how do I deal with this? Spoke to him about it last night and he made me feel like I was blowing it out of proportion

pictish Sun 20-Dec-15 10:33:12

Well he would wouldn't he?

He's trying to alter your perception of reality and make th problem yours rather than where it actually belongs, squarely in his lap.

The message itself might be quite telling too. She responds "love you bruv" which I think is her ascertaining how she sees a brother figure and not a sexual partner.

I think he wants you to think you're blowing things out of proportion because not only has he been caught out giving it the big come on, he's been knocked back as well.

Yes I'm sure he'd much rather you didn't persist in being bothered by this.


AnchorDownDeepBreath Sun 20-Dec-15 10:37:48

Does she usually call him bruv or was she reminding him of their relationship?

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 10:44:29

Yes that is exactly how I took it. She was saying bruv as a way to remind him that she sees it as a sister/brother relationship.
I'm not sure if he was trying it on with her or not.
I'm just so hurt by his words. Words he would never say to me.
He undermines me a lot, especially where the children are concerned.
I feel really low about this but wasn't sure if I was overeating sad

bittapitta Sun 20-Dec-15 10:44:45

Good point Anchor I think she was subtly reinforcing that she didn't see OPs DH "in that way".

fuzzywuzzy Sun 20-Dec-15 12:02:12

Very what are his good points?

I'd be considering all options personally.

The woman is clearly not interested & he is being a creepy letch.

He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you either.

LondonStill83 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:28:03

I'd personally take this as he was cracking on to her and she was rather obviously putting him back in his place...

My DH would send me that message (if he wanted to get lucky!) and by brother definitely would NOT have done.

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 12:36:25

He is a good dad. I have been very depressed lately & he has supported me.
But he does sometimes make me feel that my opinion doesn't count.
He just said he is sorry & ge understands why I'm upset but it was meant as a joke!

maras2 Sun 20-Dec-15 12:44:36

Joke my arse.He was trying it on.She sounds like she's got his number though.Best to nip this sleezy behaviour in the bud.If it means checking his phone etc then so be it.I hope that your depression resolves soon.Good luck. flowers Mx

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 13:06:42

I wouldn't see this as inappropriate. I have plenty of friends/relatives who I regularly compliment on their looks, and receive the same in return.

However you know your H, so if this behaviour is out of character for him then you would know that better than any of us.

What is your gut feeling? That he was sending out a sort of "any possibility you might be slightly interested" feeler?

Orange1969 Sun 20-Dec-15 13:10:09

Not a very "brotherly" thing to say.

I would not be happy hmm

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 20-Dec-15 13:20:02

If you felt that your opinions did count, would your depression lighten, do you think?

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 13:41:44

I don't really think he was trying it on. Just hurt that he would say such a thing to someone other than me.
Maybe he was putting out feelers.
He has put up with a lot from me in the past few months. I am always crying. I do feel that I am unimportant and maybe this adds to my depression.
This lady has been through a he'll of a lot in her life but is one of those people that is always smiling. She really is a lovely person and maybe I am upset because he thinks more of her than me

Veryveryvery Sun 20-Dec-15 13:46:54


Iflyaway Sun 20-Dec-15 22:03:53

he undermines me a lot

And why exactly are you putting up with it?

he never shows me any love or affection

Again, why are you putting up with it?

While he's messaging other women about "beauty"?

If it were me and mine I'd say Fuck off. Kids or no kids. Maybe cos I've been a single parent for coming on 25 years. I don't take no shit from no man.

If it ain't great, it ain't worth sticking around in my book of life.

Life is so much simpler without these fuckwits hanging around damaging the kids while they're at it

Iflyaway Sun 20-Dec-15 22:08:22

He has put up with a lot from me in the past few months. I am always crying. I do feel that I am unimportant and maybe this adds to my depression.

I think without him in your life your depression will life miraculously - not without some essential work on your part though to get back to your "true self".

Please get some counselling for yourself.

Wishing you all strength!

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