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Ex DH hurtful words

(26 Posts)
Sadsanta75 Sun 20-Dec-15 09:01:20

Split with my exh about 9 months ago as he "wasnt in love" with me anymore. It seems there was no OW as he isn't in a relationship as far as I can tell and at the time we split I checked his emails/phone etc and found nothing.

He is a good dad and has the kids 3 nights a week and is on time with maintainable etc.

It seems to hurt me more that it wasn't for an OW and he just didn't want to be with me any more.

I asked him the other day how long he had really felt like this and he said "about 6 years"

It has really knocked me for six. I am really upset that the last 6 years have been totally wasted while he wasn't emotionally invested in me.

It has made me feel very sad when I was just coming to terms with things. sad

How do you come to terms with what was essential a wasted 6 years for me.

TeaFathers Sun 20-Dec-15 09:04:58

yeah, its a pity he didn't tell you sooner, rather than holding on for 6 years.
that's very hurtful. men can be real bitches sometimes.
nothing you can do, i'm afraid.
but at least he's cleared the way for you to move on and meet someone more deserving, in future.

summerwinterton Sun 20-Dec-15 09:12:46

They often rewrite history to justify their own awful behaviour. I wouldn't set much stock in what he says tbh. Time to disengage and stop having this type of conversation with him don't you think?

And just because you haven't discovered an OW it doesn't mean there hasn't been one.

ricketytickety Sun 20-Dec-15 09:19:10

He's talking out of his arse. If he felt like that 6 years before he would have left then. Someone turned his head and it didn't pan out the way he expected it to. He's backtracking to justify the split because he won't admit the truth. You are going to have to stop asking him as, unfair as it is, he won't be honest with you. Don't see it as wasted years. It's just how it was and now you have your freedom to enjoy yourself.

Sadsanta75 Sun 20-Dec-15 09:32:41

Thanks. I know I shouldn't but I can't understand how someone can just up and leave a family like he did without even trying.

I can't seem to move on at the moment. It still feels very raw to me. I will have to try though I suppose.

hesterton Sun 20-Dec-15 09:36:36

Really truly, summerwinterton has it spot on. History is rewritten to suit them - my ex admitted this and said he thought it would make him look less flakey. Ha!

Disregard this comments.

Runner05 Sun 20-Dec-15 09:37:36

Men are just like this. They often remain in relationships particularly when they have children, long after they stop feeling "it". He probably felt that if he left he would lose the life he had built and would hurt his children and his relationship with them. So he stayed until one day he realised he couldn't do it anymore.

It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, I doubt he has any real negative feelings towards you but sometimes people change. When he says six years that is probably him looking back and thinking that this is the point that he was no longer blissfully happy, not that this is the point where he wanted to leave.

The best thing you can do for yourself is accept that you have grown apart and try to heal yourself and move on. You didn't waste those 6 years because during that time I assume you were happy. He was probably happy for a good deal of it too. It's not nice to find out that someone didn't feel the same way you did but being angry or hurt about that will only hurt yourself and trap you in a negative cycle.

One day you will wake up and this will all be in the past. You will be happy again and may even find someone new who feels for you the way you deserve. Focus on that day, focus on the future, be kind to yourself and let yourself heal from this disappointment.

TeaFathers Sun 20-Dec-15 09:37:57

yeah, i wouldn't be at all surprised if there's an OW tucked away somewhere.
a new woman will come out of the woodwork soon enough, either way.
sorry OP.
but - you've had a lucky escape.
some poor bitch somewhere else can have the booby prize instead.

Cantwaittillboxingday Sun 20-Dec-15 09:39:54

It is very hurtful but like a pp said, it is convenient to rewrite history.

When I separated with exh I tried to remind him of the good times over the years and he could not recall any of them. Of course all the memories came flooding back a year later when he decided he wanted to try again.

If he genuinely did feel like that for that long, then he didn't suddenly up and leave. It was a shock for you but he had been contemplating it and planning it for years.

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 09:46:57

This is like my parents but it was my mum who ended it.

There was no one else, 24 years on there's still no one else.

There doesn't have to be fault or another person. Things can just end because there's no nope of a spark returning.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 20-Dec-15 13:06:39

I am sorry his words opened up old wounds again.

He may have exaggerated the depth and duration of this vague not-in-love state of mind. Did he mean he wasn't experiencing hearts flowers and fireworks 24/7 or was he really moping all that time - in which case he must have been a great actor to fool you so convincingly for six years.

There isn't always another person lurking in the shadows, it must have been a shock when he finally called it a day. The past nine months you have got on an even keel. Don't falter now. He was unlikely to say, well you were marvellous and a saint to put up with me, all the fault lay with me.

CryingMummy Sun 20-Dec-15 22:06:16

Well, in the last 24 hours my "D"H has told me our entire marriage was a mistake, and that he wishes he'd been wiser when he was younger, that we were too young and too naive when we married and that he felt bullied into proposing to me (for the record, he had to propose twice as I was uncertain the first time). Devastated doesn't really cover it.

TeaFathers Mon 21-Dec-15 00:18:20

jesus Crying that's fucking heartless of him.
really sorry to hear that.
are there DCs?

Tearsoffrustration Mon 21-Dec-15 06:50:23

I felt like I had wasted my time when my ex basically did the same thing (although his head had been turned) but all my friends said you haven't wasted your time as you have you DS - it will get easier use your child free time to look after yourself.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 21-Dec-15 07:40:57

Sorry that you're feeling so sad op, but why on earth did you ask him? Is there any answer that wouldn't have made you feel awful?

I left my fiancé. There was no one else on the scene but I couldn't bring myself to accept his emotional affairs anymore or discuss them earnestly with him hmm I think it did really throw him that I seemed to feel being alone was better than being either him, tbf.

The thing is, it wasn't exactly better; it just hurt less than pretending I was happy when I wasn't.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 21-Dec-15 07:41:37

being WITH him, dammit.

Sadsanta75 Mon 21-Dec-15 07:59:26

It just came up in conversation. I don't know why. I wish I hadn't....

Sorry to hear that crying.

TooSassy Mon 21-Dec-15 08:00:03

OP. thanks

You can drive yourself mad with this.
In all honesty he may be telling the truth. He may be rewriting history to justify his actions. Only time will tell.

What you need to do is focus on the positives and move on. You have beautiful DC's and he is a good dad/ sounds like he's being an OK ex. The reality of it is this. If he was that unhappy for 6 years then he should have said something/ tried to work on it. I'm astounded at the amount of people who do sweet fuck all and then turn round years later and say 'well I hadn't been happy for years, how did you not know????'

Words fail me. He has been needlessly hurtful however pick yourself up and onwards.

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 21-Dec-15 09:19:24

Ok. Well, you need to train yourself to not ask that sort of question, I think. We get into habits of asking personal questions of people that we're close to or intimate with, because (I think) we subconsciously feel that they are 'safe' people to ask such questions of; we assume that they will answer in a way that considers our feelings. However, your ex can't be guaranteed to do that any more (if indeed he ever was likely to do it at all).

Be kind to yourself and don't have any more conversations/moratoriums like that one flowers

BarbarianMum Mon 21-Dec-15 09:35:00

Sometimes some big event happens in a marriage and it falls apart quickly. Other times it just drifts and, yes, it does take years. I really doubt he woke up 6 years ago and suddenly felt it was over, I think it is more like a discontent that creeps up over time. There will still have been good days and weeks and times mixed in with it all.

Itisbetternow Mon 21-Dec-15 09:50:16

I don't think he could have answered that without hurting you to be fair. 6 years means to him it justifies what he did. It doesn't mean it was 6 years. You need to stop analysing it - it was just an answer to a question that shouldn't have been asked.

It will get easier. He is a good dad and sounds like a good Ex. That does make life easier I can promise you that. Time to make 2016 your year! Write a list of things you would like to do ie take the kids for a long walk once a mth, run 10k whatever but make then tangible and achievable. Hugs x

CryingMummy Mon 21-Dec-15 10:12:07

Tea yes, several under 10.

Sadsanta75 Mon 21-Dec-15 10:48:01

Thanks everyone. It's a long process but I am getting there. Maybe time to dip my toes in the dating water! Having said that, reading some of the OD threads on here, it doesn't fill me with confidence!

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 21-Dec-15 11:26:56

I met DH through Match! Never despair grin

TooSassy Mon 21-Dec-15 12:53:42

sadsanta come and join us in dating thread number 93. Great bunch on there! We'll help pull you through!

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