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Is he still hung up on his ex

(22 Posts)
Woukdyoustill Sun 20-Dec-15 08:47:31

I've been seeing a work colleague of mine for nearly a year, we both got together pretty soon after our long term relationships ended. We weren't the cause of the splits, I guess we just were each other's shoulder during the stresses that followed.

He is a father and I respect that he must have a relationship with their mother but I am slightly concerned at the level of relationship they still have.
She is still very involved with his parents, I have yet to be introduced other than as a co worker on the rare occasion they've bumped into us, they are in contact daily ( she orchestrates a lot of the conversation but as far as I can tell he is happy to oblige), they have recently had a few family days out and lunches and it all seems a little close for comfort to me?

I have a child to, we have yet to introduce each other to our children but my relationship with my ex is very slap dash, the less we have to do with each other the better.

I just feel they are very involved in each other's lives, they still discuss money issues and she had asked to borrow his credit card to pay a large bill to which he obliged.

What has really got me jumping on the hot coals is the fact that When I was staying at his he had a well known jewellery bag sat on the side, I asked jokingly if he had bought me a surprise but he had said that he had bought his ex a pair of ear rings from the children for Christmas (they did not go with him and are only pre school age) as she had mentioned she didn't have many. I just find it odd to be honest and as time goes on I'm wondering if he really sees me as a long term partner, or if he is starting to regret leaving her.

He'll do anything to make her life easier and while I understand she is the mother of his children surely they should be cutting all these ties at some point.

Am I being unreasonable ?

Joysmum Sun 20-Dec-15 09:05:11

My mum and dad never did. We still have all family occasions together and my step mum and dad count my mum as one of their closest friends.

I guess they can do this because my step mum knows my dad worships the hround she walks on and knows full well that my mum and dad don't think of each other in that way.

Many outsiders see our family dynamic as strange, me and my step siblings see it as perfectly normal.

You're not being unreasonable yo feel the way you do, nobody should ever deny their feelings.

What you need to do is to be able to have a reasoned discussion with your partner to talk it through so you can work through your feelings, and his, and have your feelings justified or alleved

IamlovedbyG Sun 20-Dec-15 09:59:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Samaritan1 Sun 20-Dec-15 10:02:26

You are not being at all unreasonable, but it sounds like they have had a very amicable split, which does sometimes happen.

I think you need to have a honest talk with him, sooner rather than later, in case you are investing time and emotion into something that is going nowhere.

Cantwaittillboxingday Sun 20-Dec-15 10:07:46

Are they actually divorced? If they only separated a year ago I would be concerned.

Sunbeam1112 Sun 20-Dec-15 10:17:39

I would wonder if he is still seeing her to be honest. I think op you could potentially be the OW. The fact he hasnt introduced to his parents but as a co-workee not GF sends alarm bells.

Dinkiedoo Sun 20-Dec-15 10:27:15

he does seem a little bit too involved .It may be guilt it may be love. You cant switch feelings off overnight for someone after all . If you have kids you cant cut contact.
Have you met the kids yet ?
It may be time to ask yourself if this is the relationship for you

lazymoz Sun 20-Dec-15 10:45:12

I wouldn't be suspicious to be honest. The two of them are parenting their children together and after reading another thread today on MN where the opposite is happening, I know which way I would prefer things to be.

It's still early days in your relationship and once you have introduced children etc and time moves on you may find that the contact lessens

lazymoz Sun 20-Dec-15 10:47:39

Joysmum .. meant to add I hope that my relationships with my ex and his wife is like this in the future, it makes things easier for everyone

Yseulte Sun 20-Dec-15 11:31:47

Talking about children is ok. Buying jewellery for exes is odd. Perhaps he's hoping they can get back together.

Not introducing you as his girlfriend after a year is quite insulting.

niceupthedance Sun 20-Dec-15 11:45:03

Hmm, I think my current boyfriend would have brought his ex jewellery as that's what he would have done previously. I suggested he should ask the DC what they want to give and then buy that (think bubble bath type item). He just didn't realise it could be construed that way. It may not be a big deal.

However, if he is not introducing you as a girlfriend after a year I would definitely wonder why.

Woukdyoustill Sun 20-Dec-15 12:04:10

I haven't met his children and he has been reluctant to meet mine.
At first I thought that it was good going slow but we seem to be moving no further forward than we were months ago.

I haven't met his parents, they are local so it's not distance.

I understand they should be amicable for the children, I wish my own relationship with my ex was less fraught and I do admire them for keeping the children as the priority.

One of my friends said it was almost as though he was using me as a distraction from what he had walked away from ( he chose to leave her, no longer loved her etc) and perhaps he was trying to keep a foot in.

pocketsaviour Sun 20-Dec-15 13:00:05

I'm afraid it does sound like you are his rebound. I'm sorry, I have been in this position and it's bloody horrible sad

changeoflife Sun 20-Dec-15 14:08:40

Everyone's relationship with their ex's are different. I don't see a problem with the above. I have been separated from my ex for 3 years now, not divorced but very much apart! We have young children and for their sake we have tried to make our split as amicable as possible. We share details of each other's lives to be friendly in front of the children although I don't know if he has a girlfriend or not. We exchange birthday & Xmas gifts from the children and they are usually items that we've asked for. So far they haven't been jewellery but are still things we actually want. We take the children for family days out because it's what they want and we both don't want them to feel as if we dislike each other or don't get along.

I appreciate that from the outside our relationship might seem odd and as if we are still together, or hung up on each other but we honestly aren't. We just try hard to get along and make the best of a crappy situation for the sake of the kids. I'd be really upset if any future partners we both may have tried to come between that.

Snowglobe1 Sun 20-Dec-15 19:00:23

I think it's time for a proper conversation with him about where he sees things going.

Woukdyoustill Tue 22-Dec-15 09:51:50

Having spoken to him over the weekend I asked him if he had still got feelings for his ex, he asked what I meant so I gave him a short run through of all that unsettled me and he basically replied the following " He is not in love with her but loves her and is very proud of the mother and person that she is and has been this year. That he wants her to be happy and if he can do that by making life easier or slightly better then he will" ... It's not left me anymore settled to be honest it's made me feel like he has got unresolved feelings but isn't ready to admit it.

changeoflife Tue 22-Dec-15 11:14:12

But I think my ex would probably say the same about me. I'm the mother of his children and although our marriage didn't work and we are better apart I'm pretty sure he would say that as the mother of his kids, he loves & respects me. It doesn't mean we will ever be together, or that we have feelings of fancying each other because we don't.

Its tricky but he has been honest with you. I think it's nice to have a good relationship with the other parent of your child. Its up to you to decide whether it's something you can handle and accept.

Minime85 Tue 22-Dec-15 12:07:54

I'm glad you have asked him OP and I think overtime his reply should make you feel more reassured. This is the third Christmas since I split with ex (he left me and 2 dcs) now we both have other partners and both live with them I've said his is the first year we won't get gifts from kids for each other that there are now people in our lives to do that for Dcs. I speak to ex regularly re money and he is good on paying for things for dcs so it is split fairly.

I would think it is better to have that relationship than a hostile one. I can understand where you are coming from. I think that's part and parcel of second relationships where kids are involved though and and ex who is going to be in your lives. I think it's an adjustment to that. It's a learning curve for everyone and not easy.

sparklesnpearls Tue 22-Dec-15 12:14:38

I've been split from my ex four years. We get on and lend each other money, I like his GF too and I still see his parents. I'm the mother of his kids and we will always have that bond but to me he's just like another family member nothing sinister.

He has even babysat my youngest DS who isn't even his!grin

LeaLeander Tue 22-Dec-15 12:22:07

He sounds honest and I think their relationship / routine sounds ideal especially for the kids.

It sounds like you want more than he can give now while he focuses on raising his kids and I commmend him for not entwining his children in your clearly casual relationship. If you want more than casual companionship (which many don't and that's OK) you might want to seek someone with fewer responsibilities.

RedMapleLeaf Tue 22-Dec-15 12:28:02

I too think his reply should reassure you. He sounds like a good man.

You could think about meeting each others families a little, including her, after the New Year?

niceupthedance Tue 22-Dec-15 13:01:18

Hmmm that sounds like guilt or unresolved feelings to me.

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