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Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

(201 Posts)
Vickymumof4 Sat 19-Dec-15 07:42:07

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

MuttonWasAGoose Sat 19-Dec-15 07:44:26

Wow. That's a tough one. How does the son who's going into the navy feel about it?

CreepingDogFart Sat 19-Dec-15 07:45:33

I think she has issues with jealousy.

Also there's no way I'd have the party at hers.

Some pubs will give you a room for free because you'd be buying their drinks. It's worth ringing around. Sam Smiths pubs do this. You can also take your own food I think.

ShortcutButton Sat 19-Dec-15 07:46:01

I sympathise and I don't know what you can do. Its an awful situation

BUT its your sons party not yours? He can not invite who he likes

I think in your situation, I wouldn't go

Cookiecake Sat 19-Dec-15 07:47:30

There is no way I would exclude someone who I saw as family. I would say this to your son, you respect its her house too but you wouldn't feel right leaving this other girl out. Then if they wouldn't back down I would arrange my own Xmas elsewhere personally.

It sounds like you have made an effort with the GF and it's not helping so I would probably just go with what was right for me now.

Cookiecake Sat 19-Dec-15 07:49:58

Sorry just realized its not for Xmas it's a party. Which I would still move elsewhere.

winkywinkola Sat 19-Dec-15 07:50:45

Well, in future I would stop trying so hard. Just be polite and friendly but don't make a special effort. It's not going to make any difference to how this girl feels about you. Trying so hard may even lead to her feeling contempt for you.

About this party, it is really spiteful of the gf to exclude your foster daughter. I would have a chat and say that the foster daughter is a part of your family and cannot be excluded.

If the gf insists then I would simply cancel the party and tell everyone exactly why you are cancelling it. If you give in to this kind of behaviour then it will only continue and get worse.

In future, never allow this gf to have any power over you like having a party you've organised at her house. It means she can act like a primary donna.

DoreenLethal Sat 19-Dec-15 07:50:49

Tell all your contacts that you will be hosting it at yours instead, and let her get on with her own life. Don't rely on her for anything again.

winkywinkola Sat 19-Dec-15 07:51:40

A prima donna

ShortcutButton Sat 19-Dec-15 07:52:28

Its the sons party though cookie and fart, zo I don't think op can move it elsewhere

Whoknewitcouldbeso Sat 19-Dec-15 07:52:31

Can't you just talk to your daughters friend and explain that your DIL is a strange one and has dictated the guest list and unfortunately only invited a select number of people. Explain it has nothing to do with your feelings or your families feelings but it's now too late to change the venue so the DIL is holding all the cards.

Then maybe you could arrange a meal or something afterwards to allow all the people you want to be there, to attend.

rainbowstardrops Sat 19-Dec-15 07:53:07

She sounds consumed with jealousy. If you fostered this other uninvited girl for a long time then presumably your son has some kind of relationship with her? Your son should be stepping up and telling his girlfriend that it's HIS house too and it's important that this girl is invited.
Girlfriend sounds a right gem confused

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark Sat 19-Dec-15 07:55:48

Who tells you all of this?

The family arrangements sound a bit full on tbh. These people are adults, with their own lives, living together. Yet you "include" them in all your family events. As someone whose dp's family is southern Italian, trust me, I know the dreaded toll of doom when any birthday/anniversary/saint day/wedding/every other Sunday is approaching and you know you're going to be summoned to "enjoy" yourself at a family occasion.

But:

The party for the other son stuff sounds weird. Maybe there is history between the two women that you are unaware of? It seems wrong that if this woman is your other son's best friend then she should be invited but it also doesn't seem unreasonable that the host of a party in their own home gets to say who is allowed to come and not.

Have you ever had a fall-out with your older son's partner? Or do you just think she hates you because of not wanting to do the happy families thing?

pluck Sat 19-Dec-15 07:59:52

Have I understood correctly that the party is for a different son? Doesn't he get a say in the guest list?

ShortcutButton Sat 19-Dec-15 08:00:19

I k ow someone who is married to a woman like thus. Everyone thought she was awful. It turns out though that my friends family were actually really toxic and controlling (but really good at presenting as very respectable) and my friends wife was very astute and very good at setting healthy boundaries

So, i hezitate to mark this girlfriend down as a jealous loon

Cookiecake Sat 19-Dec-15 08:01:11

For some reason I though it was another sons party, if it's the son with the girlfriend I suppose there's not a lot you can do. I think I would speak to the girl who is like a daughter and explain the situation and that you totally don't agree with it but can't not go.

It's a really difficult one, your sons girlfriend sounds like a bit of a nightmare really.

ShortcutButton Sat 19-Dec-15 08:02:32

Oh wow, the party is for a different son?! Sorry, misread OP

Definitely move venue!

senua Sat 19-Dec-15 08:03:59

What does the guest of honour say? She is his foster sister too. Won't he say "if she's not invited, nor my mum, then I'm not coming either"

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 19-Dec-15 08:06:48

What would I do? I'd have another party for your son at a venue of your choice and invite everyone, including your foster DD, to that. Not at the same time, that would be rude - and there's no need to sink to her level - but I'd definitely have another party.

MoominPie22 Sat 19-Dec-15 08:09:10

Personally, I would boycott this party if your "foster daughter" is being deliberately excluded. And hopefully the rest of your family will feel the same and support you. How does your husband and the other members feel about this situation and this awful cow btw??

Your son must have some idea as to his wife's reasons for her general behaviour towards you, but I'm guessing he's feeling quite awkward about it all and has a loyalty to his bitchy wife. She really is being bang out of order, esp if she's not even going to give you an explanation for her unreasonable behaviour.

I realise the party is for your other son but why don't you get the rest of the family onboard ( cos surely anyone with half a brain can see how unfair the cow is being ) and change the venue? That should tell her in no uncertain terms you aren't prepared to be manipulated by such a nasty piece of work.

People need to take us as they find us, so I wouldn't go out of your way to make anymore effort with this woman. We can't make people like us so I wouldn't waste another iota of your energy on her. She's clearly not worth it. But your son is stuck in the middle and I wish he would tell you wot he knows.......She surely can't be selectively nasty to individual members of the family. Not when it seems to be more of a character trait, where she's concerned.

Cabrinha Sat 19-Dec-15 08:11:56

It is two son's I think, the oldest one has the girlfriend and is hosting the party, the youngest one is going into the navy.

I think it's neither here nor there that your foster daughter is your birth daughter's best friend. It's not a party for your daughter.

Why is your navy going son not putting his foot down over his foster sister being excluded? Does he want her there? Does he see her as family?

Your "DIL" may be a bitch, but she may just not be keen on you. And too much trying to include her can be a lot of pressure. I've known my (ex) Inlaws 12 years, and just don't gel with them at all. Still make stilted polite conversation about their favourite sports teams and holiday plans. First day I met my next boyfriend's parents, I could have moved them in with me! We hit it off immediately.

There's something odd going on with the foster daughter invitation and I do think your son (the one hosting) should be giving you a better reason than "girlfriend doesn't like her".

Vickymumof4 Sat 19-Dec-15 08:13:11

My son ( who is going in the Navy) is quite upset about it really, he views this girl as a sister also and has said to just call the whole thing off. It isn't feasible to have the party at my house and I had rang lots of places before and with the Xmas period no where was available (2nd Jan ... Straight after New Year's Day) which is why, when they offered to host it I actually thought it was a wonderful gesture.
I do try too hard with her, I am very aware of that but we have always been such a close family. I second guess myself all the time and ask everyone if they feel I'm overbearing or interfering but if I don't bother with them then she says I'm not interested in them but if I do she snubs me completely... I really can't win. For instance they had a house warming party and initially I said I wasn't going to go as it was for all their friends etc not us oldies and then I was the worst mother who couldn't even be bothered to go to their house so as a family we relented and went to find that no other members of our ( large) extended family had been invited at all ( despite her saying they had been) and it was only her family there. No one apart from my son spoke to us AT ALL and we left after an hour. I feel desperately sorry for my son as he is in the middle of all this and I try very very hard not to make comment or let him see how badly her behaviour affects us a a family. I go over every conversation I've ever had with her to see if I can pin point where this problem started but I honestly can't. If I knew what the issue was I could perhaps solve it but I don't. I think I will have another ring round today and if I can't find another venue I will cancel it and have a smaller celebration at home.

ShortcutButton Sat 19-Dec-15 08:15:24

I think if navy joining son is happy to go ahead with party with foster sister excluded then there is more to this...

Cabrinha Sat 19-Dec-15 08:15:45

I really do think the problem here is between you and your son (the one with the girlfriend).

You don't know why she hates you. You don't know why she doesn't like your foster daughter.

He does though - he's the key here, and he won't tell you. Why not?

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 19-Dec-15 08:16:11

I would do that, I really would. Your younger son isn't going to enjoy it either if his foster sister isn't there sad

I hope you either manage to find somewhere (even a scout hall/church hall/village hall), even a community centre or pub - or manage to have it at yours after all, with fewer people, and they can maybe move on to the pub if loads of his mates turn up.

So sorry - having a GF like this in the family is very disruptive.

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