Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

To feel sad that he hasn't messaged?

(85 Posts)
catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:12:54

Went on a couple of dates with new guy who seemed quite into me (said I was nice company, attractive etc) and implied there was a future in us seeing each other, despite us living fairly far away and having busy lives. He is looking for a serious relationship rather than a fling and I believed him when he said that; so am I, eventually, but obviously happy to take it slow and play it by ear.

Anyway unfortunately our last date wasn't all sparks and fireworks, and was a bit stilted for various reasons. I was fairly sure at this point that I could take it or leave it and was happy to not see him again.

However speaking to friends about it, my mind got swayed and I thought I'd like to give it another chance to see if we can click.

We have chatted via text a tiny bit but he is not pursuing me. I don't know if he is offended about how things worked out on last date or just not that into me. I have suggested doing something else and he has not properly replied.

I just feel a bit rejected! I wasn't super keen on doing something anyway so don't get how the roles have changed so much and now I'm the one who is essentially chasing him?

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:14:38

Seriously!! A third thread on this? What was wrong with the responses on the other two threads?

Whoknewitcouldbeso Fri 18-Dec-15 13:31:35

Oh leave her alone, she is allowed to be upset and hope that starting a new thread might illicit some new responses.

OP I did read one of your other threads although didn't reply. I wonder whether he invited you back to watch TV in the hope there might have been some making out/sex and when it instead was a bit awkward and you sat just sipping hot drinks he decided you were a bit of a prude or wasn't in to him.

I think if I were in a hotel room with someone I fancied I would probat have kissed them at least and if they didn't go near me physically I would have assumed they didn't fancy me. I'm not sure there is a way back from this though so it might be worth just cutting your losses and going on a few more dates over Christmas with other people. Least then it might help you put the whole thing into perspective and there is also a very good chance you might start chatting again in the future and start off again where you left it.

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:36:46

I wish i knew the rules here!! 3 threads on the same issue on a tuesday means theyre a troll and get reported but on a friday you ask why 3 threads are necessary and youre shouted at. Can someone mail me the schedule for when its ok to point these things out and when it isnt?

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:39:55


Sorry to start a new thread, I'm just playing it over in my mind - it was quite intense as we saw each other two nights in a row for about five hours each time and so recent. Obviously with Christmas I'm not seeing anyone over the next few days so nothing new to look forward to. I just feel weird that it went from one really good date down to a bad second one. We had made all these tentative plans to do something again and now I don't know where things stand.

I'm so confused about the hotel room situation though! We are both pretty young but I am more experienced than him (although neither of us it transpires have had serious relationships yet). So I'm a bit incredulous if he was hoping for some action! I was sober, hungover, not in the mood and the atmosphere was all wrong confused He didn't set the mood at all. So I'm a bit pissed off if he thinks I'm the one at fault here...

He tried to hold hands etc (I feel about 13 writing this, obviously I've gone further with people!!) but it was just too awkward to try anything out so I kind of pulled away a bit. I feel like if you invite someone back to your room, you need to set the mood a bit?!

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:41:01

Rudeelf - you don't have to comment every time you know confused

I'm feeling weird about things as you can see. There won't be any more threads!

MadHattersWineParty Fri 18-Dec-15 13:42:22

I think three threads is a bit overkill as you'll essentially hear the same things, but that's obviously up to you OP.

FWIW, I don't think he's that into you, sorry, and is possibly putting his energies into someone else. I'd get on with setting up a few dates with other people.

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:43:13

Rudeelf - you don't have to comment every time you know

I wanted to know why you needed to post another thread about the same thing. Should i have PMed instead?

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:45:42

Also, when we were tipsy the night before and kissing, he was enjoying it but kept shyly saying that he wasn't a great kisser and to give him time confused He was fine! My point is just that he was nervous obviously even after a few drinks when we had a kiss so what was he expecting?? Full sex? bit ambitious

Just thought it was naive of him to expect things to go like that. How many women (honestly) would be happy with splitting the bill at a restaurant for a main course only (not saying there is anything wrong with this but what a way to make you feel wined and dined!!) and tap water, then going to someone's brightly lit room for a tv show and Nescafé? I mean fucking hell!

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:46:44

MadHatters - thanks but he constantly implied he was and he's definitely not seeing anyone else at the moment. And won't be for a while due to work commitments. I don't get it

munkynutts Fri 18-Dec-15 13:50:12

RudeElf sounds like you need to get a life. No offence but how bored do you have to be to spend your afternoon slagging off someone who just wants a bit of support? And to obsess over MN etiquette?

Shinyhappypeople9 Fri 18-Dec-15 13:50:26

He isn't into you. You need to move on.

blatantplacemark Fri 18-Dec-15 13:50:38

Sometimes, no answer is your answer I'm afraid.

He's not interested in pursuing a relationship with you from what you say so you need to just leave him alone now really.

You had a couple of dates, it really doesn't warrant all this soul searching so try and just chalk it up to experience

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:52:36

Ok ignoring the 3 threads aspect.

OP i'm a bit confused about what you are actually wanting from a)these threads and b) this man.

You seem very unhappy with his behaviour and the entire date, not sure why you went to his hotel room to continue the date if you werent happy that you had to split the bill. (I see no issue with splitting the bill personally) but really overall you have picked apart and criticised the entire date and yet are whingeing about wanting him to text for another date and wondering why he hasnt. Why on earth do you even want to see him again?

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:53:43

No offence but how bored do you have to be to spend your afternoon slagging off someone who just wants a bit of support? And to obsess over MN etiquette?

Is there a level of boredom that makes it ok?

Whoknewitcouldbeso Fri 18-Dec-15 13:54:00

Perhaps he is just also feeling awkward about things. Are you saying you are both virgins? If so then no I don't think there would have been any expectation to have sex and you certainly haven't done anything wrong. I probably wouldn't text him again though.

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:54:25

Btw- i have not 'slagged' hmm OP anywhere.

NickiFury Fri 18-Dec-15 13:54:47

I think he's had a lucky escape. You sound really obsessive and if you're like that this early on I can't imagine what you'd be like in an actual relationship. If a man was posting like this people would think it was really creepy and OTT. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:55:35

That's my point though - I'm not that bothered about even seeing him again but just left so confused about his motives. What does he want.

On one hand he's inexperienced and wants a relationship. Said he liked me etc etc and seemed to want to make it work.

On the other hand he's not been that communicative since date, has fucked up (in my opinion) by being quite awkward about inviting me back to his etc/stilted conversation.

I don't get it how its not in his interests to also want to see me one more time?

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 13:57:46

Nicki - thanks hmm I'm really not though. It's been a weird few days and lots of conflicting messages.

Whoknew - precisely my point! smile I'm not, he is. (I think, he definitely implied it.) So I definitely don't think he was after anything

RudeElf Fri 18-Dec-15 13:58:00

I don't get it how its not in his interests to also want to see me one more time?

Why would it be in his interests if he has decided he isnt into you? Are you saying you should both have some "closure"?

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 14:00:13

No not at all confused Just feel like second date was his wrongdoing really and I feel like if I were him I'd want to make that up to the other person. Anyway whatever

MadHattersWineParty Fri 18-Dec-15 14:00:14

But if you're not that bothered then why obsess?

If he wanted to see you, he'd make that clear.

Is it some sort of outrage and indignance on your part that says 'how dare he not want to make more effort with me and pursue me!!' ?

mewkins Fri 18-Dec-15 14:00:20

You know what? This is what I would do if I really liked him and didn't like the thought of not seeing him again. I would be really honest and send an email explaining what you feel and say you would like to set aside that bad date and start again if he would like to. What is the worst that could happen? He thinks that you're nuts. So what? On the other hand he cpuld read it, realise you like him, decide he likes you and you could go on another, hopefully better, date.

Oh, my advice is probably crap but I think there's a lot to be said about being honest.

catcalledhoover Fri 18-Dec-15 14:01:46

Mew - yeah that's a good idea. The thing is we have chatted about seeing each other again (his response: "yes sounds good") but no reply to my message about specific dates yet.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: