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Why is my friend like this?

(26 Posts)
Tiliana Fri 18-Dec-15 11:51:42

I have been friends with X for 6 years; our DDs are at school together.

The thing that I am finding upsetting with X's behaviour is that she never ever acknowledges anything nice that goes on in my life, yet gushes praise and nice comments about everybody else.

Yesterday I met X for coffee. I have a new car and hadn't mentioned anything about it to her (or to anyone else) but when I pulled up at the coffee shop she pulled up in her car at the same time and said nothing about it. I know she noticed it though as she kept staring at it as we walked into the coffee shop.

I have recently lost 3 stone in weight. Again I've not really mentioned anything to her about it apart from saying months ago that I was starting Slimming World. I know my weight loss is noticeable though as it is getting to the stage where loads of people are mentioning it to me and saying I look good. Friend didn't mention a single thing about my weight loss but instead kept referring to another mum we know from the school, Y, and saying how Y has lost so much weight recently and that she looks fantastic.

Thirdly our DDs did a school christmas concert on Monday. Two children did a solo song; my DD and another girl. X kept saying about how good this other girl's solo was and what a superstar this girl is, how brave to sing solo etc etc but did not even acknowledge or mention that my DD had performed solo too. DD did equally as well as the other girl, and other parents came up to DH and I after the performance and said about how well DD did. I don't expect gushing praise about it from my friend but a bit of acknowledgement that DD performed too would have been nice.

It seems as though she does these things on purpose and deliberately praises other people whilst ignoring any achievements or events of mine, to try to make me feel bad.

StealthPolarBear Fri 18-Dec-15 11:53:43

For the solo did you mention your dd?

Tiliana Fri 18-Dec-15 11:55:00

Yes I said that the other girl had done well and that I thought DD had done well too. Friend didn't reply.

StealthPolarBear Fri 18-Dec-15 11:56:33

That us very odd

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears Fri 18-Dec-15 11:57:12

Why are you still friends with her? She clearly knows how to be complimentary to people and deliberately chooses to ignore anything you do.
Is she jealous?

I would question why you are bothering.

MissFitt68 Fri 18-Dec-15 11:57:55

Jealous!!!

What does she do that IS friendly? She sounds jealous or something.

Tiliana Fri 18-Dec-15 11:58:37

DH thinks she is jealous too. I can't think of any other reason as to why she would be that way. Like you say, she is totally capable of being complimentary to people but chooses not go be that way to me. There is always a silent air of disapproval from her about me, I feel.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Dec-15 11:58:58

Is she a good friend in others ways?
I learnt a very long time ago to let people like this go.
They bring nothing to your life so why bother?

DropYourSword Fri 18-Dec-15 11:59:32

I'm not sure I'd notice if one of my friends bought a new car, and I would never mention a friends weight (just don't think it's ever appropriate to comment on weight) so don't think the first two are too strange.
I do think the solo thing is a little odd though. As she was praising the other girl it would be polite at the very minimum to extend that to your DD. However, I wouldn't expect a specific mention/praise of a solo generally, but only because she was talking about it!

Tiliana Fri 18-Dec-15 12:01:35

No she's not a particularly good friend in other ways really sad

I'm pretty sure she did notice the car as she kept staring at it. I got the impression she was deliberately going on about Y's weight as she had noticed my weight loss but didn't want to say about it, presumably for the reasons why she never says anything nice to me.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Dec-15 12:03:06

I'd certainly notice a new car and have done and have said how nice etc....
And if one of my friends had clearly lost a lot of weight I would certainly tell her she's doing great and talk about it with her.
But then I'm a nice friend who compliments them when they have done good things or their kids have etc...
We all do it and have a great friendship group because of it.
I can't imagine ignoring the fact my friend had lost 3 stone in weight, that's a fantastic achievement and should be acknowledged.

ohlittlepea Fri 18-Dec-15 12:04:42

It does sound a little pointed, I have a friend a bit like this. When I tried to call her out on it she told me she feels completely inadequate all of the time, compared to everyone. I dont think that makes it OK to treat people in that way but low self esteem does nasty things to people.

Namechangenell Fri 18-Dec-15 12:06:15

She sounds awful, to be honest! There's no way she hasn't noticed the car or the weight loss. She is obviously jealous and I'd distance myself from her. Who wants friends like that? You are worth so much more, OP!

flanjabelle Fri 18-Dec-15 12:08:57

She's not a friend op. When you care about someone, you take the time to show them you are pleased for them. I had a friend like this. She is now an ex friend. Cut ties, she just doesn't care.

FredaMayor Fri 18-Dec-15 12:16:54

X is acting towards you the way she is because she can't deal with your changes. As far as she is concerned you have stopped being the person she had as a friend and have become someone else who she is now less comfortable with or can patronise. It's likely that you have/are what she wants in some way and she blames you for this turnaround.

Not much consolation but at least she's shown her cards to your face.

Alastrante Fri 18-Dec-15 12:16:59

Honestly, people do have a hard time sometimes that means they can't do it, but regardless of that a friend doesn't give off bad feelings like this.

I have a friend who suffers from depression, and she can be a bit like this but is basically lovely and tries hard in so many other ways (and in turn I try not to gush!).

Another person just sat there with the silence whenever I tried to talk about something good in my life, or cut me off with a misjudgement of why I was telling her. I got the message loud and clear and stopped seeing her. If nothing else, I've no need to spoil someone's day by accident! <tongue in cheek there>

Iflyaway Fri 18-Dec-15 12:17:54

Yep. Life's too short to have those kind of toxic people around you.

FredaMayor Fri 18-Dec-15 12:18:36

All credit to you for the weight loss, Btw!

NA200712 Fri 18-Dec-15 12:32:32

She doesn't sound like a good friend at all. Just stop contacting her and then if she asks why you can just tell her the truth. She sounds very jealous of you.

bittapitta Fri 18-Dec-15 12:41:19

It seems on the verge of bullying/goading. After all, mentioning how fantastic someone else looks after losing weight when you obviously have too, she clearly wants you to say "what about me?" And then she can act indignant and say you're self centred or whatever. Ease off, no need to see her so often.

batshitlady Fri 18-Dec-15 13:19:52

Yep most def' jealous..... Tell her something terrible's happened and/or you've fail miserably at something and see if she comments then. Well done on the weight loss......

pocketsaviour Fri 18-Dec-15 14:48:58

Sounds like the kind of person who assigns roles to all of the people in their life.

Your role here is to be someone she can feel superior to and can condescend to.

You have stepped out of this role and anything you do that doesn't fit her "script" will be ignored, or possibly rewritten to fit what she thinks it should be.

She is not your friend.

CakeMountain Fri 18-Dec-15 15:02:01

She's no friend. Bin.

She is jealous and disapproving.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer Fri 18-Dec-15 17:34:26

There is always a silent air of disapproval from her about me, I feel.

she isn't your friend. You might be hers, but she isn't yours.

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