How to get in touch

[needingsomehelp1]

Hi, new to this so but I wondered if anyone can please give me some advice - long long and unpleasant story but I separated from wife and two children, then 6 and 10 - horrendous situation but basically they moved to New Zealand and I have had no contact with them for 14 years - I have recently seem picture on Facebook of my son, and want to make contact but am petrified as I was the villain I just know they will freak and not want contact - but I have to try. Anyone out there got idea son the best approach - so I simply Facebook or seek some other way - would appreciate help.

[cailindana]

Your backstory isn't clear - why did they move to New Zealand and cut contact?

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

It depends what you mean by you being the villain.

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

I'll never understand how people can lose touch with their kids? I don't know what you did to make you the villain, but you've not been in touch for 14 years, why would you just reappear now, when it suits you? If my kids moved to NZ, that's where I would move to. I'd follow them across the globe, to anywhere and I'd share custody. You didn't do that. Only you know why.

[needingsomehelp1]

Thanks for feedback - I met someone else and the breakup caused a lot of upset on all sides - I'm a very easy going person and didn't want/handle well all the fighting between my new partner and ex wife. It came to the point were I had to walk away - my ex did all she could to let them know it was all my fault. They had to apply to court for them to move and I fought that but courts decided against me - they were supposed to let me know where they were, schools etc but simply moved and didn't let me know. My new life is quieter now and I know trying to get in touch will open old wounds and my new partner will freak at me doing this. That's exactly what I'm scared of that the kids although 18 and 23 now will ask why now, you didn't see us, you left us and they have new lives now - I'm not sure what to do

[ALaughAMinute]

Sod your new partner, if she was a decent person she wouldn't mind would she?

Why don't you send a message to the person who posted the picture of your son on Facebook?

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

You had an affair, allowed your other woman to fight with the mother of your children, walked away from your dc in favour of your other woman, then tried to stop her moving, now you want to get in touch but are afraid your new partner will freak at you getting in touch with your dc?

Sounds like you are better off leaving it as you will always pick whatever woman you have on the go over your dc.

Get yourself a FB profile and easy to find online presence so they can look for you if they want to.

You made the choice to walk away, you have no right to elbow your way back into their lives at your own convenience.

[needingsomehelp1]

Easier said than done but yeh can't be scarred all my life. So part of me thinks well what the hell, what can I loose, just facebook them, tell them what I feel and leave it up to them - maybe they might get back - and even if that's a straight go away message well at least I did somehting

[pocketsaviour]

Surely when they first moved you attempted to contact them via mutual friends, her family, her solicitor?

[needingsomehelp1]

Yeh your right, I completely mucked all this up, totally admit I messed around, got pulled in all directions by people stronger willed than me and got walked over - now living in a mess and wishing I could go back - isn't there something to say well it's done now maybe we can go forward

[needingsomehelp1]

Her friends wouldn't let me know, her family hate me and courts did say they should let me know - so they broke the court orders - I did get some school reports but when they moved I was denied info and was getting nowhere - OK so maybe I didn't try hard enought

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Maybe you should consider what your answers will be, first. Being 18 and 23, they are going to have a clear sense that you abandoned them, and you're likely to need to explain why. Your reasoning above suggests that your new woman - the same woman you cheated on their mum with? - was more important than staying in touch with them. And now, you're worried that another new woman could make trouble and they wouldn't be worth the hassle again.

Unless you can show that you have learnt from your mistakes, you're very likely to be told to go to hell. It doesn't sound like you could show that at the moment, because you're still making the same decisions and repeating the same mistakes.

They are your children, through thick and thin, and they should have come before any other women, or work, or anything, really. Even if you split with their mum, you should have still put your children first.

What can you lose? Your last chance to put things right. If you approach them now and show that you're the same person, you're going to end up cementing that vision of you for them.

[needingsomehelp1]

Thanks - yes I'm getting that feeling - OK so I mucked up - just want to say high to them - let them know just for once I tried

[blindsider]

They are your kids you have every right to attempt to forge some sort of relationship with them in the future. Having said that you must be guided by them, if they feel they are better off for whatever reason, without you in their life you must be prepared to accept that too.

[needingsomehelp1]

I'm not making the same mistake - the person I felt their mum for and me are still together - I have made such a mistake not putting them first, but to be fair it wasn't all my fault - ex wife and new partner were not exactly saints - what I wanted to ask was how would anyone out there approach this - ie on facebook? - so i'll be told to get lost I know but....

[FredaMayor]

OP, I for one do understand 'why now?' I think you decided to keep NC to protect yourself in what had become a very toxic environment, wherever the fault lay. Human emotional wounds heal at their own rate and it has taken you 14 years until you are ready to try contact again. You also won't need telling that the physical distance between you will be much easier to cope with than the emotional distance.

No-one should underestimate how hard this is going to be for everyone, OP, you know what happened all those years ago and you also know that you must be prepared to tackle those issues again. You may be imagining lots of things that may or may not be true, not least about your DCs attitude towards you. Until you communicate with them you won't know. ExP may well have her own ideas about your re-emergence too.

I recommend the expert advice from well-established groups for people in your position - not hard to find on the internet. If you can understand the processes from people who have been there (and not all succeed, sadly) you will at least be prepared. For most it is a long relationship journey.

Are you certain what your current partner's reaction will be? It would be a hard person who would put barriers in your way over this IMO. A better reaction would be if DP could admire your courage and support you in this very difficult journey.

[needingsomehelp1]

Thanks FredaMayor that's what I was hoping to get from here, this is my start and without bumbling in I wanted to get advice on this and thought this forum might help me - from people who had gone through it before to help me. Do you know of any groups?

[FredaMayor]

You can search online, OP, there are several and you should find one that is geared up to what you are looking for.

[needingsomehelp1]

Thanks - what is OP? - new to all this

[pocketsaviour]

Her friends wouldn't let me know, her family hate me

Did you ask them?

How is it you are now friends with someone on Facebook who is posting pictures of your son, if you are universally hated by anyone who has contact with them?

[DoorToTheRiver]

Yes OP screwed up by having an affair and losing touch with his kids but he can't undo the past. It's done. The OP can only seek to make amends (as much as he can) from now.

You have done wrong by your kids for 14 years, the longer you leave it the greater the wrong will be and the harder it will be to make amends.

Your kids may tell you to piss off but give them the chance to make that decision. As much as you can, without harassing anyone, try to ensure any message you get that says you are unwelcome comes from your kids and not someone claiming to know what your kids want.

If you don't have any other method of getting in touch then send a message via Facebook - to the kids directly if they are on it and if not to whoever put the photo up. Bear in mind that apparently messages will go to a separate folder marked 'other' which a lot of people don't look at if you are not friends on Facebook so no response could mean the recipient hasn't read it rather than not responding.

If you don't have one already then set up a FB account so you are searchable if they look for you.

There are organisations that can trace relatives for you but clearly that could be expensive.

If you do manage to get in touch with your kids and they tell you to piss off make it clear you would always welcome contact if they change your mind and make sure they have contact details.

Personally speaking if I had been in your kids situation I would be badly hurt that my dad hadn't stayed in touch but would at least give him a chance if he later got in touch. I would be further hurt if he had chosen to not get back in touch when he had the chance.

Good luck and I hope you get in touch and are able to re-build a relationship with them.

[needingsomehelp1]

No need to ask I know that for certain - the Facebook pictures I saw were posted by my son, I searched him out

[DoorToTheRiver]

OP is original poster/opening post eg you.

[FredaMayor]

OP = Original Poster. There's list of acronyms on this forum via the home page.

[DoorToTheRiver]

Could you send your son a Facebook friends request then?