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Think DP is being unfair but not sure

(46 Posts)
Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 10:38:40

Background:
DS is 2, up until recently I have lived alone with him , it has been hard because for a lot of that time we were away from family and lots of uncertainty about housing.
DP is his dad and we've been together most of that time but he recently moved in.
I had some mental health problems, anxiety, OCD and depression badly the past few months but am improving and waiting for counselling.

So I've been basically slacking on the cleaning front,as in, I'll do it but it will be left to the end of the day, it wouldn't get in a massive state but it would be messy and take me a while to get the motivation.
Without fail DS has clean clothes and dinner sorted and played with and taken out for walks/to the park.

But DP keeps having a go at me and loosing his temper with me and shouting and saying I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself and I can't seem to make him understand that I'm struggling and trying my best.

I know I'm probably hard to live with ATM but I am trying. Sometimes he will do the washing up before I get round to it and say I'm being lazy and waiting for him to do it. I'm not, I intent to do it bit can't find the motivation, I wouldn't care if he didn't do it, I would get around to it I'd rather he did nothing and didn't have a go at me tbh.

He think s imnot being fair and in a way I'm not but I also sort of think he's not being fair, I've done the majority of looking after DS by myself for years and now I'm having problems I don't think it would be the end of the world for him to be supportive and help me a bit more.

This morning got up with DS ( I did yesterday, he isn't working today) but had a massive strop about it, kicked the stairgate in the kitchen then started shouting and saying I was a bad mother etc etc

Don't know how to fix this I just don't have the motivation

LeaLeander Fri 18-Dec-15 10:43:54

Get rid. He adds nothing positive to your life.

cailindana Fri 18-Dec-15 10:45:24

There's nothing to fix. He is a horrible waste of space and he needs to leave, asap.

drinkyourmilk Fri 18-Dec-15 10:46:34

He sounds abusive if I'm honest. He is not helping you, he is making you feel worse. Would you ask him to leave?

QforCucumber Fri 18-Dec-15 10:48:05

Why do you have to do it?

Why doesn't he if he has such an issue?

Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 10:56:32

He will do it but hell get angry that he's done it, I'd rather he just didn't do it.
Feels a bit like he's moved in here and started telling me what to doit annoys me because before I had these mh problems it was always clean ita ot like I'm lazy

cailindana Fri 18-Dec-15 10:58:42

Stop justifying yourself. Any person who shouts strops and kicks a baby gate simply because they have to look after their own child is a total idiot - get rid.

Penfold007 Fri 18-Dec-15 11:06:09

How much parenting and housework is he doing?

Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 11:06:11

That's the thing, DS is his child too, so why get in such a strop considering he'd had it pretty good the past 2 years.
Sometimes I would get annoyed with him before, when we lived apart because I felt like he wasn't making an effort but I wouldn't take it out on DS or have a strop about it to that level. This is when he would come over once or twice a week, in the middle of the afternoon, forget to give me money for DS or buy the things DS needed himself, never offer to take DS to his for the night until I suggested it, couldn't even change his nappy without me fetching all the things for him, couldn't bath him without me getting the pjs and towel ready, so if anyone had the right to have a strop it was me.

But on the other hand, I know he tries, he has some temper or stress problems or something and he seems guininly sorry but he's 25 not 15. I dunno I felt l like I'm being a bit harsh because I know he doesn't deal with stress well at all but son of the things he has a go at me for aren't even his business
Eg. Shouts at me and tells me I'm lazy and don't take responsibility for anything because I missed a lot of lectures recently, but only because I find it impossible to sit and concentrate for 3 hours straight and my anxiety goes of the roof and I just can't handle it at the moment. It effects me that I am messing up my degree more than it effects him confused

cailindana Fri 18-Dec-15 11:09:12

He's barely looked after his child
He wouldn't give you money
He shouts at you
He kicks things

You say you understand he's under stress, but you're clearly under a lot of stress too, where's his understanding? Do you scream and shout and criticise? No, because you're an adult and you're not an idiot.

You need to get away from this creature.

CharlotteCollins Fri 18-Dec-15 11:10:24

Kicking inanimate objects is a red flag. What next, when that doesn't get a reaction any more?

The shouting and insulting - yeah, cos that's a great way to motivate somebody to feel better. hmm

Have you noticed he thinks it's your job to clean and to be the parent to your DC? You seem to agree with him, but you really shouldn't.

CharlotteCollins Fri 18-Dec-15 11:13:02

X post - yes you clearly have noticed that he is leaving all the parenting to you. In which case, co-parenting might be easier if you lived separately again and this time he took DS out for his contact time.

Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 11:13:10

Penfold- probably about half, well, he'll do half the dinners at the moment on his days off and half of the nursery runs but he doesn't really take him out or anything if I don't do that it doesn't happen.
I do do stuff and give him a break though, I take DS with me to stay at my parents over night quite a bit so he has time to himself and stuff.

cailindana Fri 18-Dec-15 11:14:36

Stop justifying yourself.

It doesn't matter if you sit around all day in your pants, he has no right to shout at you.

pinksausage Fri 18-Dec-15 11:16:33

Oh he sounds awful OP. I get the anxiety and depression, I'm a single mum and sometimes it takes me days to get around to doing the washing up. That's how mental illness affects people, lack of motivation is a classic symptom of depression.

It is far easier to be a single mum and to be able to deal with things your own way than have to face the additional burden of an unsupportive partner as well. I hope you are getting support through uni for your degree. Most unis have quicker access to counselling than the NHS btw.

MissFitt68 Fri 18-Dec-15 11:18:24

Has this just starts since he moved in? Does he fully support all 3 of you or do you work?

LeaLeander Fri 18-Dec-15 11:19:54

He's too young and immature to be a father. Was he on board with the planning for this child? Did he enthusiastically express a desire to spend the next 20 years of his life working to care for and support the child?
Doesn't sound like it. All his presence does is subject your poor child to shouting, strife, anger, hostility and other negatives. Get him out of your household for the sake of the child's mental health and development.

whatdoIget Fri 18-Dec-15 11:20:19

Do you think your mh problems could be caused or at least exacerbated by having to live with such a nasty arsehole? I'm sure being shouted at all the time is not helping your anxiety at all. I feel angry on your behalf angry

whatdoIget Fri 18-Dec-15 11:21:41

As pink sausage said, ask for some help from uni. They will have a decent counselling service and CBT practitioners etc

overwhelmed34 Fri 18-Dec-15 11:23:20

He's just moved in. I recommend moving him straight out again. He'll be making life miserable for your child too. Have confidence that he is being utterly unfair and his behaviour is not for a moment acceptable.

Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 11:30:55

DS wasn't planned,he wasn't that helpful when I was pregnant I had no money (just got fired from my job, well,dp had a fight with someone I worked with ) but my parents bought the pram, aunt tvought us a Moses basket and he said he'd get the car seat but didn't on time and we ended up having to get one whilst I was in labour(a very quick labour!) And my parents got the sterilzer and other bits whilst I was in hospital.
He did get some stuff but I was with him he didn't do it himself sort of things.
I know I'm making him sound awful but he's not, I think he was really scared about having DS because of what happened with his daughter (long story)

QforCucumber Fri 18-Dec-15 11:32:52

He got you fired from you're job while pregnant and yet you're still with him and say he's not awful?

QforCucumber Fri 18-Dec-15 11:33:20

eurgh - He got you fired from your job while pregnant and yet you're still with him and say he's not awful?

Dinobab Fri 18-Dec-15 11:34:04

Oh and I know it was my responsibility to buy things too but I had no money, he definitely had enough money working full time and living rent free so he could have afforded it fine just never bothered getting it. I know I was stupid having a baby when I couldn't afford it but I was young and stupid and thought it would be easy to find another job whilst pregnant but every interview was a no

LeaLeander Fri 18-Dec-15 11:36:55

Can you live with your parents? It sounds like you would be better off focusing on your health problems and education/ employability than depending on him.

So by age 25 he has fathered multiple kids out of wedlock with multiple women? And not stepped up. And got you fired due to a fight or brawl? Not very promising.
OP at some point you have to cut your losses.

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