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Partner assaulted me again(147 Posts)
NC for this for obvious reasons.
My partner assaulted me a few days ago. Not for the first time, but hopefully for the last. I'm pregnant and the trigger for the assault was me wanting time to think/talk about (possibly, ending) our relationship whereas he wanted me to just forget about everything (his moods, the physical violence, the verbal abuse). I don't think he knew explicitly that I was thinking about ending the relationship but he knew that I didn't just want to 'sort it out'. We'd had a hideous few days of him getting offended/pissed off at everything I'd done. I spoke to him in a snappy manner/went to lay down after putting my daughter to sleep as was bloody knackered thus 'abandoning him'/suggested I might see the midwife alone for any personal questions (e.g the domestic violence one!) at my booking-in appt 'leaving him out of everything'/spoke curtly. At the time, I thought he was right and modified my behaviour to appease him but it all seems so ridiculous now that I'm out of the situation.
He's like Jekyll and Hyde and my pregnancy as brought it all home to me whereas before I compartmentalised it and didn't think about it when it wasn't happening. I can't live like this forever. This is the first time he's physically assaulted me since October, partially because he hasn't really been drinking since we found out I was pregnant, unless I pissed him off and then he drinks. Which is what happened the other night. He was being vile, really vile and then started drinking and got worse. After about 4hrs of verbal abuse I finally snapped and said something back. I called him a psychopath and apparently this meant he had justification to kick me, push me around and drag me off the sofa by my feet. I was terrified at this point. My daughter woke up and he still carried on being vile, though not physical and saying it was me scaring her. No fuckface, you assaulted her mother. That's all down to you.
I reported it to the police the next day whilst he was out. They were good, came straight away to take a statement and advised me to leave my house and stay somewhere safe until he was arrested. I have a 3 year old so they told me to collect her early from preschool and go straightaway, which I did.
However, two days later, I've heard nothing from the police. I've called them as instructed and there's no updates. The police officer apparently left a voicemail on my phone but I don't have any missed calls or voicemails. My partner is still in my house as he posted a picture of the tv on Twitter last night. He's been messaging and calling me. He doesn't know I've been to the police as far as I'm aware, although a neighbour could've mentioned to him that the police were there two days ago.
I don't know what to do next. I can't stay here indefinitely. Me and my daughter are sharing a single bed whilst here and I have work to do at home. I don't want to call the police again as they're obviously busy and I'm not in immediate danger as he switched back to being nice (via text) yesterday. I'm considering leaving my daughter here and going home to convince him to leave. It's not his house so maybe I could call the police if he refused to leave. Seeing as he's wanted for the assault anyway. I don't know. The police officers said that the community safety team would be in touch but no one has.
Sorry for the essay. I have isolated myself during this relationship and don't have too many people left to talk to.
Please call the police as many times as it takes and do not put yourself at risk by going to your house. He does sound like a psychopath.
Leave your DD with a trusted friend or relative. Go to the police station. Sit and wait there until you know absolutely for sure what is happening with the arrest.
DO NOT GO BACK TO THE HOUSE ALONE.
Sorry to put that in shouty capitals. You are very vulnerable to further assaults or worse if you return alone.
Call Women's Aid.
That sounds very tough, but I think your dealing with it amazingly. I wouldn't go back to the house without talking to the police first. It's crap that they haven't got in touch with you. Either go to the station or stay on the phone till you get what you need from then?
Nononononono do not go there. The most dangerous time is when control is slipping and the abused party is at the point of escape. And when the woman is pregnant come to think of it.
Don't feel bad about calling the police as often as it takes. I do think you are in danger, potentially at least.
Keep on at the police until they arrested him. When my ex assaulted me I reported it the next day and they arrested him that night.
You say its not his house, could you not attend when he is at work and get the locks changed?
If it's not his home you should be able to have him 'removed' from it. I wouldn't go back there on your own to see him, its very easy to come across nice in a text message and not actually mean it. Is there anyone that could go with you?
I would definitely contact the police again, it may be that they have your contact information down wrong or something, you shouldn't feel bad for insisting on their support, that's what they are there for. You have followed their guidance and they need to do what they said they would do. They have a duty of care to safeguard you and your child.
Make sure you follow up with the charges too, don't let him get away with it and think it's okay because it's not. No one deserves to be treated that way, ever.
Stay strong x
Don't go back to the house. Ring the police and insist on speak to someone from the domestic violence team. The police should never be 'too busy' to deal with a DV victim.
You are always in immediate danger with a man like this.
Well done on calling the police, you absolutely should not go back to the house to ask him to leave. The end of the relationship is the most dangerous time.
You absolutely must call the police back and put a rocket up them and change the locks before you move back.
One of the women featured in the love you to death film the other day was murdered after she moved back and before she had the locks changed. Literally the day she moved back and she was having them changed within a few hours. She was murdered in front of her daughter, the neighbour heard her screaming for them to break the door down and her daughter shouting 'leave my mummy alone' while he beat her to death...
It really is that scary and important.
And yes, the 'being nice' is about getting you under control. If you make it clear to him that is not happening and you want him out he will very likely escalate his behaviour. If he is losing you because you are leaving he may feel he has nothing further to lose.
Please don't go back alone. Keep phoning the police.
Who's house is it?
Thanks for your support everyone. I feel better already knowing I'm not being a nuisance.
101 gave me the number for the community safety people, who according to the police officers who took my statement were supposed to be in touch but it's just ringing. The community safety officer assigned to the case last time was really helpful but that was a different borough and my borough has a lot of violent crime so I understand they have to prioritise.
I've contacted my ex to say he has to leave and there would be no more contact from me and he has obviously panicked at that because the number of calls have ramped up. Maybe that was a stupid thing to do but its my house and I need to go home to pick up some work at least. He doesn't work so won't be going out anywhere. The lock changing will take a while as I also need a window fixed as it doesn't close atm and is big enough to climb through. What you said Offred about that woman in the documentary the other night is disturbing so I will definitely get the locks changed before I go back.
I've just had a little chat with my three year old about what's happening. She woke up the other night and she's witnessed violence towards me before so something needed to be said. We spoke about how he is too grumpy and shouts too much and makes us scared sometimes and no one is allowed to make us scared so we're not going to see him anymore. I used the convo for a little life lesson on what to do when people shout at us or say mean things or scare us: 'No, you're not allowed to do that!' complete with hand up. I've made so many bad decisions which have affected her and now I have to repair that damage.
Thanks again everyone. I've emailed the police so going to call them again now if I haven't had a reply.
Right there's no answer from either of the numbers I've got for the police station and 101 can't give me any info as they only deal with initial enquiries. No response to my email so that leaves me with 999 which I'm hesitant to call as it isn't an emergency. I don't know what to do. He's probably figured out where I am now. Although he wouldn't be able to find his way to the exact address, I have to walk past the bus route he would be on if he was to come here to go anywhere pretty much anywhere as it's such a small place. As a result, I don't want to take my daughter out anywhere just in case but we're both going stir crazy stuck inside the house.
He's stopped calling now so I don't know what that means. Is it safe to go home, has he been arrested or has he just run out of minutes on his phone?!
You absolutely must keep on at the police about this. Unfortunately some (not all) of them are useless and don't see DV as that important so you have to keep chasing them down.
Do you co-own the house/is his name on the tenancy? I would recommend applying for an occupation order/non-molestation order as a measure to keep him away from you and to be able to contact the police if he breaches it. My mum got an ex-parte non-molestation order on her abusive partner over the summer (ex parte means it's served on him immediately - you do have to go back to court at a later date for it to be upheld, but as a temporary measure you are safe right away). We had to pay for a solicitor to help with this as our local women's services are unfortunately over stretched and not much help, but women's aid are usually some help if you can't afford one.
Please don't go to the house while he is there without someone else with you at the very least (and even then I wouldn't). Your safety and that of your daughter and unborn baby is the most important thing here.
Just seen your update. Can you go and visit the police station in person?
I might visit the police station when someone gets in who can look after my daughter. She's scared of the police (no idea why! I don't think she's ever spoken to an officer apart from a community support officer when they were at the library giving out anti theft devices!)and its quite far away from where we are staying and would take an hour and a half or so to get there by bus.
In the meantime I will try Women's Aid although there was no answer there on Wednesday. I imagine there's lots of people in worse situations than I'm in right now who are calling them for immediate help so an email night be best. I'm so British! I don't want to cause a fuss but I'm too scared to go out in case I bump into him! Ridiculous really. I'm not scared of him physically hurting me. I'm more worried about the effect on my daughter if he starts going off on one. And I don't her hearing his threats of suicide and other ridiculous stuff.
Ah waiting - you poor thing. You really are stuck until the police arrest him and you can change the locks and repair the window. It's really lucky that it's your house - he has absolutely NO right to be there if it is your house. Your problem is trying to get the police to help you out. Keep ringing the numbers they gave you - surely someone somewhere will answer!
I think you will need to get a non-molestation order in place too. I THINK a temporary order can be granted (same day at court - you don't need a lawyer for this in Ireland), until the hearing for a long-term one.
PS - you have my complete sympathies in terms of trying to access help - currently in a different situation being passed from pillar to post and no-one doing anything.
Also - I'm not sure what perching yourself in a police station is going to do. Is it the police station that responded to the call that you're going to go to? Don't just turn up to a random police station anyway! They'll be only too delighted to tell you that they can't deal with it!
I'm not sure what perching yourself in a police station is going to do
This is what my mum did when he breached the non-molestation order and no one would get back to her. Worked much better than phoning. But yes obviously would need to be the police station actually dealing with it.
You are not being ridiculous or making a fuss.
You should be afraid of him hurting you.
You should have had or be waiting on a MARAC assessment too.
You do need to take this seriously. To treat him as though he is capable of killing you because he may be.
Stay in the house, going stir crazy, even for a couple of days, will at least mean you are safe.
From what you have said he is a very frightening man. History of physical violence against you, including when you are pregnant and in front of your child and threats to kill himself as well as not allowing you to break up with him are very frightening indicators of what he may be capable of.
You have told him it is over. Now is the time he is most dangerous to you.
I can't get through on the phone to the police station at all. 101 tried to call them as well. The officer I spoke to yesterday on the phone said the case hadnt been passed onto the community safety unit who deal with domestic violence so I don't know what I'm waiting fo/how long to wait before going home. At least if I could speak to someone either by phone or in person or even email, they could tell me yes they're going to arrest him today/no they're not so I know what to expect when I go home later.
Oh OP I'm sorry you're having this experience with the police. It was the same with my mum too, they were really shit. Didn't communicate with her at all and didn't even tell her he'd been arrested or anything so she had no idea if she was safe or not.
The first time he assaulted her they arrested him a month after the assault.
Thank you everyone for your support and advice. It's really, really helpful. Now I haven't seen him for a couple of days, it would be easy to 'forget' what he's like make silly decisions so it's good having sensible people out there to provide some common sense!
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