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everything is pretty shit

(18 Posts)
notverytall Fri 18-Dec-15 09:25:50

Hello, I'm hoping you can help as there is no one I can really discuss this with in rl.

It's been a crap week in this house. My mil has been diagnosed with a devastating terminal illness. It's a big family and we are all in bits. Then yesterday I needed my husband's email for something and looked on his ipad.
Found he is registered with a few 'hook up' type websites where he describes himself as divorced and looking for fun.
From what I can see it hasn't gone any further than flirting, but I can hear you shouting 'yeah right' as I type that.
He has done this before a few years ago and after a lot of shouting and heartache we moved on.
So it's actually possible this has been going on for years.

I don't know what to do. It's the week before fucking Christmas, we have two young children. I have taken the day off sick as I just can't deal with people today.

I'm so bloody angry with him I can't breathe, but I can't act on it. I can't put any stress on his family as that would be a really selfish act considering what they already are trying to deal with atm.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

chaosagain Fri 18-Dec-15 09:35:18

Sorry to hear you're going through all this - it sounds like it's going to be a tough road ahead.

Others will be along with better advice, but one thought from me... YOU would not be the one bringing stress. His actions, his responsibility, the consequences are because of him. It's a difficult time for your family, but that doesn't mean you have to swallow this behaviour from him- if you decide to bring it out, it is on him, not you.

And you can still love and support your MIL and other family members regardless of what's happening with you and your husband.

Potatoface2 Fri 18-Dec-15 09:36:26

so you are not acting on it because his mums ill.....what about will make you ill and you dont need that on top of everything dont even need to say anything , just open his ipad on the websites and put it in front of him....he has explaining to do....and he needs to do it regardless of any other situation....his mother doesnt even need to can be really stupid at times, hope you are ok

MrsHathaway Fri 18-Dec-15 09:37:23

How horrible for you on both counts.

It occurs to me that your husband could be trying to escape from the horror of his impending bereavement and the stresses of Christmas generally. He might have no intentions of doing anything.

However, given that he has history and you only just made it last time, it is unconscionable for him to use that kind of escapism (as opposed to online gaming or joining a boxing club or something).

I think a sick day to regather yourself sounds like a very good idea.

I can see that you wouldn't want to cause complicated ructions at this time, but equally it isn't fair to put yourself last yet again.

How do you think he'd react if you calmly said/texted/emailed something along the lines of: "I'm aware that you have registered with <named sites> even though you promised you never would do this again. I am too angry and busy to deal with this at the moment but this is a problem we will have to address one way or another <after Christmas/in the spring/once your mother's treatment plan is settled>." ?

notverytall Fri 18-Dec-15 09:44:42

I told him yesterday I knew what was going on. He cried and told me he loves me, wants to stay together blah blah blah. He looked like a kicked puppy. He says he only looks and has never acted upon anything. I actually believe that as I just can't see him doing that. Maybe I'm naive but it's just not him.
I told him to leave me alone to think. Except I can't think straight. Bleugh.

notverytall Fri 18-Dec-15 09:46:00

Thank you Mrs Hathaway, good advice.

CharlotteCollins Fri 18-Dec-15 09:47:22

Looking is bad enough. And he should know that from last time.

You don't have to think. That will take time. I can understand why you'd want space, though.

HPsauciness Fri 18-Dec-15 09:48:50

Why would anyone register on a few sites saying they were divorced looking for fun, unless they were married pretending to be divorced looking for fun? I don't get it, what would be fun about that? Except if you got something out of it?

I don't believe for one tiny second anyone would go to that trouble years ago and now for the 'fun' of just posting. Browsing porn, yes of course, but not asking for hook ups!

blindsider Fri 18-Dec-15 09:56:36

No one committed to their relationship would even think about registering to a 'hook up' site let alone actually going to the trouble of registering. It is a slippery slope...

Joysmum Fri 18-Dec-15 10:29:17

His default setting when things get tough (or for years without the tough times) is to cheat to a degree on you.

He knew the pain it caused you before and yet he still doesn't think you important enough to change his ways.

In contrast, in a good relationship, when times get tough the relationship grows stronger as a couple support each other more.

Tbh if I were in your situation, I'd ride out Christmas and then separate after because this isn't the first time.

notverytall Fri 18-Dec-15 11:05:06

You've hit the nail on the head Joysmum. I think I was hoping someone would say this is a thing some men do....but it's not is it.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Fri 18-Dec-15 11:26:25

This is most definitely NOT what men do. It's what Scum Bag men do, when they are thinking of cheating, but want to keep wifey at home, to do all the chores and raise the kids. Fuck that.

It's a shame his Mum is ill, but not addressing this issue won't make her any more ill than she already is. And you don't have to tell her anything.

I would ditch him. And of course he's met some of these women. A Hook Up sight means that you Hook Up. Sorry. This sounds really shit. You can do better! flowers

Suddenlyseymour Fri 18-Dec-15 16:16:55

And to add to other pp's, crying and doing the sad puppy face, although possibly convincing in that "moment", really isn't good enough. Did his fingers just fall onto the keyboard by accident in the exact way as to create a profile for himself and click "submit"? He's crying because he has been found out, and has managed to trot out the right lines. Next, this will all somehow be "your fault" for not doing x, y and z and he felt "unloved" or some such bollocks. So sorry you are dealing with this right now.

loveyoutothemoon Fri 18-Dec-15 17:34:13

He put a profile up saying divorced and up for fun! He surely intends to cheat. This would be the end for me.

CC88 Fri 18-Dec-15 17:50:05

I met a very 'lovely' man recently on line, turns out he was a 'poor criticised husband' who took his wedding ring off. Yep, even lovely husbands are at it!!

toffeeboffin Fri 18-Dec-15 18:01:52

'He might have no intentions of doing anything'

Yeah, right.

Kicked puppy my eye

notverytall Fri 18-Dec-15 18:13:58

Thanks for your honest advice. It is my work Christmas do tonight. I'm not going now. My work friends are messaging how they are going to miss me which is making me feel worse. They have no one now to lead the macarena. They are going to get it all wrong without me shock

MrsHathaway Fri 18-Dec-15 18:24:50

Priorities hmm

I have to say I think it's unlikely he joined multiple hook up sites if he didn't want to hook up. But in all honesty I think the cheating or not cheating is almost irrelevant. He did something he'd expressly agreed not to do again, which previously nearly broke his marriage. Whatever excuse he had conjured up to justify his actions to himself are not the OP's problem.

It's ok to break up with someone. You don't have to have a reason that would convince a jury: you only have to be sure in your own mind. Your dealbreaker is personal to you.

He sounds like an arse now. Whining and wheedling is one of the least attractive things in the world.

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