Silent treatment or end of relationship

[Ladywithavan]

I haven't spoken to my on/ off dp for nearly 4 weeks.
We've been 'together' for 4 years with some longish breaks in between.
I don't really know why we're not talking this time? I suppose we'd had a few arguments in preceding weeks. We were sort of cool with each other on last meet up and I suspect I may have said something that upset him. I did send a light hearted text about a week after to break the ice.
No response.
I know that in many ways it's not a healthy relationship as we have broken up a few times, mostly because we're incompatable on some level and its always him who breaks up with me. He then eventually gets back in touch.
I do love him and now I'm wondering if perhaps my last text was too flippant and I've done something to offend him?
I was thinking of sending a Christmas card.
I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. It feels so weird for us just to end without a conversation or a line drawn under things.
I'm even wondering if he's ok, though he has got form for doing this to people who p*ss him off.
I kind of feel sending a card would put ball in his court and make me feel like at least I tried.

[Orangeanddemons]

I'd tell him to fuck off personally.

[Guiltypleasures001]

You know op I'm offended by him on your behalf

His behaviour is ridiculous condescending shitty spiteful controlling and unnecessary
Your not in a relationship this is like falling out with your irritating 10yr old brother

New year lovely kick this tosspot to the kerb no cards no texts no remorse black delete etc
If he responds and he will once you've not caved in and chased him for the umpteenth time
Repeat after me Oh do fuck off dear then tell him to get to fuck then tell him to fuck off some more

4 yrs? Get thee to a counsellor and find out why you accepted this twat as the best you can get

Don't look back

[Guiltypleasures001]

Block not black

[Goingtobeawesome]

How old are you? I just ask as it is like reading about my teenage relationship. Twenty years later I still get hung up in him. Don't be me. Get some big girl pants and send a text saying you don't want to hear from him anymore AND MEAN IT. Four years!! It's been long enough.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think your love for him is actually based on an unhealthy co-dependency.

Forget sending him a Christmas card, I would be more concerned as to why you have accepted any of this from him for the past 4 years at all. Why is your relationship bar really this low, what did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

[blindsider]

who cares whether it is the end or silent treatment, who wants to be in a shit relationship like that?

[Ladywithavan]

I know I can probably be a bit of a pain at times as well.
My friends think I should not go back with him but they only hear my side of the story. I think the nature of the relationship has always made me feel insecure, though I try my best to cover this.
Maybe he's wondering if I'm giving him silent treatment?
I did send a text but I guess texts sometimes don't get through

[Ladywithavan]

And there's always that nagging doubt that he may be ill or have had an accident or something.

[Snowglobe1]

The way this man is behaving is utterly ridiculous. Do not contact him. When he then panics and contacts you, tell him you're done.

This isn't anything you've done, though I'm sure it suits him for you to think that. He's just not an adult and you deserve better. He doesn't give a monkeys about you.

You've done 4 weeks without him. You can do this.

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

This is not a relationship. It's someone you talk to, sometimes. That's an entirely different thing.

In a real relationship, you know where your other half is. Mine's in bed just now if he's lucky I might make him some tea soon In the 7 years we've been together, I've always known exactly where he is.

Just bin this guy off, he's not worth it. Sorry

[Caprinihahahaha]

It's not a relationship if you are texting him to break the ice and trying to figure out ways to get him to talk to you.
It doesn't actually matter if it's him or if it's you. It's fucking absurd.

Neither of you are in an adult relationship. The fact that neither of you has said to the other 'what the fuck - either we speak and sort this out or forget it'

How can you in your wildest imaginings think this is a 'relationship'

If my 13 year old was behaving like this I would be horrified at her immaturity.

[lavenderhoney]

He's not very nice is he? And you've let him be like that by putting up with it.

Ignore him and stop worrying about him. He's fine. and after 4 weeks silence I'd consider it all over anyway - no point doing it all over again, is there?

[Penfold007]

There isn't an easy way to tell you this but you've been dumped. Block and move on. Some counselling to help you repair you self-esteem would be a good idea.

[Ladywithavan]

When you all put it like that then no, I suppose there's not a relationship.
And it's true that we should be texting to find out what's happening.
That makes me feel like I'm as bad and should have been the bigger one. I thought I'd try and play it cool, send one text and see if he replied.
He didn't and now I'm second guessing myself wondering if my behaviour is causing this rift as well.
It's easier to see from the outside but more difficult when you're in the relationship and experiencing the different dynamics and nuances of it.
It's never black and white.

[hellsbellsmelons]

OMG - why would you want to be with this man-child?
Listen to your friends.
Block and delete him from all social media and please move on.

[Caprinihahahaha]

Actually, I'm sorry, but this is pretty black and white in that you have zero ability to communicate.
If you cannot communicate then it's not a relationship.

If you are having to be the 'bigger man' just to initiate a conversation then it's pointless.

[CharlotteCollins]

You have the chance to be the bigger person now. You can see the relationship isn't working (and it doesn't matter whose "fault" it is). In the past, you've passively waited for him to make the decisions. This time, you take the lead, draw a line under it, declare the relationship over and then mean it.

[Cabrinha]

Go read "He's Just Not That Into You".
It's a light and funny read but it will shame you for all the times you thought "maybe the text didn't go through, maybe he's IN A COMA BUT HE LOVES ME REALLY!!!!"

Going to be cruel to be kind: he doesn't give a shit about you. He enjoys fucking you about, and being able to snap his fingers for a girlfriend or sex when he wants to.

[Ladywithavan]

It's such a shit way for a 4 year relationship to end.
In silence.
And I suppose I'm missing him and torturing myself wondering if I could have done more then just send a jokey text. We had a couple of disagreements on last day I saw him and I think he may have taken something I said wrong....didn't mean it as a criticism but probably was perceived as this. Then again I have no way of knowing if this was the case.
Perhaps he was waiting for an apology, or interepreted jokey text in wrong way and wondered himself why it took a week for me to contact him?
I dunno.....I haven't been entirely happy because it's been such an up and down relationship and I think I needed to give myself time to think and I always feel I'm somehow going to say wrong thing as I know deep in my heart I love him more then he loves me...if he even loves me at all.
In the end I thought I'd break the ice as it seemed a ridiculous situation.
I thought he may have even replied with a 'let's end it' text...but silence.
It's a headf*ck

[Caprinihahahaha]

Honestly, I'd offer you a hug but I think I'd end up giving you a shake.
I'm sorry you are feeling so sad but you need to look elsewhere to feel better, you need to go away and figure out why you think this childish nonsense is 'love'

It's not a head fuck. There is no 'if only I had done X or y it might have been OK'
He's a massive tossed and why you think he is worth pining over is the nub of your problem.
Most people would have laughed at his nonsense years ago but you worry about it and stress about what you could do differently.
Why do you think this joke of a relationship is all you deserve?

[shoeaddict83]

sorry but u need to end this, its a ridiculous situation to be in and is not love a tall. This childish guy is treating you like shit! Stringing you along until hes bored or wants something then he'll be in touch!
A relationship of 4 years? Im astounded this is how you both behave?

Saying you want to 'play it cool' or 'not come on too strong' are fine sentences to use at the START of a relationship when you are seeing where it goes and getting to know each other - these are not something you say 4 years down the line!
Please end this and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve Op!

[hellsbellsmelons]

And if this is the sort of shite you have put up with years can I suggest you contact Womens Aid and sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
It will help you spot red flags and put some boundaries in place for future relationships because, this, is not OK!

[Joysmum]

I think your problem is that you're trying to apportion blame and that will keep you going round in circles.

You do know that yours isn't a healthy relationship because you don't bring out the best in each other as a healthy relationship would?

You don't need to apportion blame. It's enough to say, actually in practice we aren't right for each other despite of what love there might be.

Yes there'll be a mourning and regret but there will also be relief and freedom from pain.

[Ladywithavan]

Well I've decided to send that card to someone else.
I needed this pep talk as I've been missing him and trying to work myself out really. I'm not that young and I really wanted this to work because I do love him. I think he has his reasons for being the way he is and on many levels he's a good bloke. I wouldn't have stuck it out for so long if he wasn't.
I am an open person and am not one for playing games and I do try to make the effort to make up with people when I fall out with them. But this relationship has made me anxious about being open as either things are interpreted wrong or I don't get the same attention back that I give. It's reduced me to effectively adopting his approach to communication and that's just not me.

[munkynutts]

This all sounds very familiar.

Let me ask you this: in your relationship did you ever feel at points that you couldn't have an honest conversation about where you were going as a couple? Did you ever feel as if you couldn't pull him up on his behaviour sometimes, because you knew it would result in him giving you the silent treatment?

I'm willing to bet that this is in no way the first time you've been given the silent treatment - am I right?