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any advice please on cheating dh?

(34 Posts)
doublechocchip Thu 17-Dec-15 21:33:57

If anyone could give me advice I would be so thankful for other people's perspective. 

I found out 6 months ago my husband had had a short emotional affair with a work colleague culminating with them sleeping together at a works party. I found out 2 weeks after this had happened from a message on his phone. (He'd been showing me pics when it showed up) which he later admitted it.

After a couple of months soul searching I told him I wanted to separate and he moved out. Since then I have taken up a new hobby that i love and am retraining for a new career. My life feels a little more on track but the days are still up and down. 

He has spent the last 6 months saying sorry and doing anything he can to make me see how much he regrets it. He's like a changed man, no matter what I've said to him he hasn't retaliated.

I feel in some ways that getting back together he would try his all to be a great husband and it would lovely for our 3 young dc's to grow up with their parents together. We were best friends when this happened and we made a good team, I miss him lots however I don't want a life of not trusting him, wondering where he is, who he's working with etc.

I know I'm strong enough to go it alone and have proved it to him the last few months but I worry for the future. What if I wait too long to see if I can forgive him and he gets with someone else and then I realise that actually I do want to give it another go? The thought of a life with potential step parents/siblings fills me with sadness.
My head whirls around all day with the ifs and buts of it all. I feel as though because it's me saying no to re-uniting its me being the bad guy despite me being in a situation I never envisaged myself in!

Everyone around me is being so diplomatic in case we get back together that I never get to hear real  opinions on this. 

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 17-Dec-15 21:37:59

Maybe you
Could try relationship counselling as a starting point?

PennyHasNoSurname Thu 17-Dec-15 21:39:23

Could you trust him again? That is what I would base my decision on. Would I be forever thinking "where are they?" "who is she?"

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 21:44:27

It sounds like he really does regret it.

The questions I'd ask myself:
1 Is he a good dad? Will my DC benefit from his being in their lives every day?
2 What is he going to do in order to regain my trust? The answer needs to come from him, not a demand or suggestion from me.
3 Did he admit his fault for cheating and not try to at the blame on me with "You don't have sex with me enough" or "You're so involved with the kids" or similar rubbish? Does he acknowledge that there wasn't an excuse for his behaviour?

QuiteLikely5 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:47:27

I would base my decision on the reason why he strayed in the first place. What was missing for him in the marriage?? Why did he feel the need to look elsewhere?

If those answers can be identified and the problems can be resolved then I would go for it.

Re trust, I'd never trust any man 100pc so that wouldn't truly bother me, reasonable trust would be required.

What is your gut instinct telling you?

veryfedup123 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:57:30

I have a very similar situation, it was a long EA that my ex fell head over heels with/infatuated with. We separated immediately. Now the dust has settled I'm thinking of all the things we could do as a family that I can't afford to do alone. I also feel like the bad guy as he wants to reconcile and seems so so sorry. I feel like I'm playing with my childrens future. It's very hard I'm thinking of couples counselling...more to get my thoughts straight than anything. I really don't know how I could trust him again though. I don't think things will ever be the same now. Have you thought about a trial reconcilliation for a set time maybe? Just to see how things go? It's very hard, I hope you make the right decision for you. x

doublechocchip Thu 17-Dec-15 22:04:21

pocket good questions

1) he is a good dad probably better now than before, he does a lot more domestic stuff for the dc's than he did before now he has them 2 nights a week. He cooks and cleans for them, takes them out, delivers all their clothes back to me washed and dried. Supports their hobbies. He's not perfect but then neither are any of us and the children adore him.

2) trust- he has suggested that I have all passwords to any of his phones, Facebook etc. i can install a location finder on his phone if I want. He is looking for jobs in a different company, (they don't work together still but do still work for same company) But I don't know if I want to live like that.

3) he says the blame is with him, he thought of her as a friend but when he realised she liked him he used it as an ego boost, she was unhappy in her marriage by all accounts and said how wonderful he was and she wished she had a dh like him. He started flirting back saying to me he never actually thought anything would come of it but it did at the party and it was temptation, he said he regretted as soon as it happened and I'm sure some people genuinely do regret it but that phrase has become a cliche hasn't it? He has apologised constantly saying that there is no excuse that will be good enough as there is none that he was beyond stupid and regrets it every day of his life. He lost 4 stone in 4 months so I do believe that he does regret it.

megandmogatthezoo Thu 17-Dec-15 22:08:30

It is harder to take someone back than to walk away but it is possible if that is what you both want and both are prepared to work hard to achieve. It isn't the same afterwards. I took my DH back and although he has done everything he possibly can (and then some) to make things right, it never will be right. You don't forget.

veryfedup123 Thu 17-Dec-15 22:15:29

Do you think it would have developed further if you hadn't find out about it OP? Or was he regretting it already?

Devastatedcoconut605 Thu 17-Dec-15 22:30:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sadwidow28 Thu 17-Dec-15 22:33:14

Only you can decide where your line is. Some women re-build stronger marriages with a cheating partner when they have decided to give it a second chance. Others just can't get over the original infidelity.

If you do decide to give your marriage a 2nd chance then you can't keep throwing up his cheating if you have a 'usual' domestic argument. For example, he can't be subjected to "I knew I shouldn't have taken you back" when he forgets to put the bins out. Both of you have to work together within an equal partnership.

He's offered you access to his phone and laptop - but you don't have to use them. If you think you will actually need to use them then you shouldn't try again. Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild. But then again, I don't see what else he can offer you to show you how truly remorseful he is.

Would you like to take it slowly and go on date-nights?

Does your heart tell you that you do want to re-build your relationship?

Does your head tell you that he was already flaky in other areas?

Nobody can make the decision for you - but you will NOT lose face for trying again. Nor will you lose face if you reject the idea.

I wish you well in the future flowers

doublechocchip Thu 17-Dec-15 22:39:02

I don't know veryfedup he says not, he told her it couldn't happen again but I know they were still in contact with each other through work. He literally moved locations the week after they slept together and they didn't actually work together again in the same location after that night. (The move was already pre- planned by his boss)

In my mind he did regret it but I think he would have carried on speaking to her in professional terms and maybe things could have developed further, who knows I might have just caught it before a blown affair started but this is where all the 'ifs' and 'buts' come in to place.

My gut says he regrets it and wants a chance to put it all right with us. He offers me everything. If i mention I'm tired he appears with a dinner and takes kids out for me. Or if he drops off the elder dc's from their hobbies and I'm putting the baby down to bed I come downstairs to a clean and gleaning kitchen and living room. I come in if he looks after the dc for an exercise class I do to a candle lit bath.

He buys me gifts he thinks I'd like, and gives me space when I ask for it, the fact he's carried on trying this long gives me hope. I never thought he'd try this hard to give him s second chance.

I feel more open to counselling than I did a few months ago.

Morganly Thu 17-Dec-15 22:51:22

I think some men are capable of cheating and some men aren't and unfortunately you found one who was. I think you should reduce your contact to the minimum needed to parent the children. No more of these emotional conversations, no outlet for him to work on your emotions. If there is anyway you can do handovers with the children without having to see him it would be really beneficial. It is so hard to get over someone when you have to keep seeing them.

Take some time to recover from his betrayal without him being in your face all the time. Maybe get some counselling just for you.

It's too raw at the moment and you aren't being given any space to process your thoughts and feelings. In time, you could meet a man who isn't a cheat and with whom you could have a different sort of life than the one that seems to be currently on offer. Or you may not, we can't predict this.

You are frightened of taking too long to make your decision and while you are still deciding, he will meet someone else. Well, I think that will confirm that he isn't the man who will be the life long partner you deserve.

Kennington Thu 17-Dec-15 22:51:38

We all make mistakes and some are just worse than others and have more consequences.

Perhaps try again but if he messes up a second time give him the heave ho for good?

Works parties are notorious for awful errors and an emotional affair is not unexpected during a long marriage.
I am more relaxed about this sort of thing though having seen some excellent reconciled couples for similar reasons.
On a seperate note if he is good with the kids, even if it is a short term reconciliation, it is probably worth making another attempt. If you can avoid fighting in front of them.

mouldycheesefan Thu 17-Dec-15 22:54:54

It wasn't an emptional affair they had sex. That is not an emotional affair. Nor is it 'to be expected in marriage' nor do lots of 'errors' happen at work parties!

Potatoface2 Thu 17-Dec-15 23:57:36

i gave my husband a chance when he had an affair (it wasnt a one off thing but a 3 month affair when he was working away) Im still with him 19 years later, we have had some good times and bad times....i used to mention it all the time when we had bad times...punishing him...sometimes i dont know if i did the right thing....how different my life would be now, would i have been happier....i just dont know, but i do know he hasnt cheated again...he knows what he could have lost...me, well it was hard i got depressed, wanted answers he couldnt or wouldnt give, i really struggled for a long time but now i never even think about it except when i see things like this....only you can decide what to do....but take each day as it comes, dont think if you take him back thats what you have to do forever, if you feel its not right then give up...as you have said, you know you can cope

doublechocchip Fri 18-Dec-15 09:27:13

Sorry to hear that it's happened to you veryfedup and potato it's the worst thing to have happened in my life to date.

I never used to threaten him with what I'd do if I ever found he'd cheated on me because until you're in that situation you don't know how you'd be.

I just miss our life and I'm slowly coming to terms with that if we got back together it would have to be a new way of being together, I feel like I've needed this time and more to grieve for our old relationship.

morganly Space has been a bit of issue more so at the beginning he's better now but then I'm not as constantly angry as I was, I don't think I've gone more than 3 days not seeing him as he takes the dc's to hobbies or looks after the baby so I can go to watch them.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Dec-15 10:28:23

I couldn't forgive. What he did to me I just couldn't get past it.
The man I loved changed so much in my eyes that I knew I would never feel the same way about him again.

As a PP has said, it is often easier to walk away. It takes a lot of work to make things right again, although you know it will never be quite the same.

But.... some relationships can become far stronger after an incident like this.

Could you start 'dating' again. Just take it slowly. Maybe go out for a drink or a walk to see how you get on.

It's a horrible situation but you could make it good again but this is totally down to you and what you want from life.

cherrypiew4 Fri 18-Dec-15 13:14:02

Hi I am in similar situation I found out at the start of October that husband had been having an affair which had been going on for 4 weeks but had already slept with her. We have been together for almost 20 years and have 4 dc together. I was deversated and could not believe that he had done it we have had a happy marriage and he is a wonderful father I was heartbroken. I asked him to leave and he did after lots of talking he answered anything I asked. I decided to take him back and try again we go to a marriage counsellor once a week and it has been very hard. I have days where I just wonder why I am doing this but I love him. Like your husband is doing mine does the same anything that makes my life easier he has given me passwords to every gadget he owns he rings me when we are apart and gives me space when I need it. I know he is truly sorry for what he has done. For me op it came down to the fact that I could not walk away from us and the life we have without trying to work it out we talk more now and spend time together which we were not doing much before and he knows I will never forgive anything like this again he gets one chance and that's it. I wish you well op whatever you decide it is a horrible situation to be in.

janaus Fri 18-Dec-15 13:21:00

Don't rush into any decisions. Give yourself time to heal and think. I know trust is broken. But hopefully with time you can rebuild.

bjrce Fri 18-Dec-15 14:01:52

Hi OP.

it is a very difficult time for you. if you could just stop and think purely of yourself for the moment, I know everyone says, think of the kids, think of the home you have built for yourselves. Think of the future you thought you'd have.
The one question you need to answer is ; Do YOU want him back?

Knowing him now, knowing that he has the propensity to cheat. Only you know the type of person you are, this is entirely your choice. How did you get to here. Why did he cheat. Because he wanted to, is the clear answer and had the opportunity to do so.

Its good to see PP state after an affair being together for 19 years. Only you know if you can move on. Be honest with yourself, will it torture you if he stays out late? that you now have to check his phones. Or can you move on?
Also, if he does in the future, cheat again, would you regret taking him back, would you see it as time wasted or would you think, I did what was right for me and my family at the time.
These are very tough questions, but you really need to go through this thought process. It really will make you stronger and make the right decision for you.
He may well be a good man, but at least now you know what he is capable of.

IamlovedbyG Fri 18-Dec-15 14:02:59

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NA200712 Fri 18-Dec-15 14:08:10

He does genuinely seem sorry from what you have said...BUT can you honestly say you will trust him again. Maybe couples counselling is a good idea to start off rather than just jumping back into a partnership.

doublechocchip Fri 18-Dec-15 15:05:58

Thanks hellsbells did you separate straight away or try again? You don't have to answer if you'd rather not.

Sorry cherrypie that you're another one who has to live through this I hope everything works out for you. Has marriage counselling worked would you say?

Borninthe60s Fri 18-Dec-15 15:14:42

Id give it another go. If it doesn't work at least you know you did your best.

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