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help! husband has been cheating

(35 Posts)
lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 20:12:29

Over the last 3 weeks my husband, who ive been with for 11 years snd have 2 children with) has told me he was having coffee with a woman. He carried on trying to lie about it all and now it turns out he has had sex with 4 people (one was while pregnant with my 6 year old with a woman I worked with. She said the best time she saw him he told her he didn't regret it and would do it again ) , kissed 2 and been 'sexting' a 50 year old woman over the last 6 years. The last thing was sexting which ended 3 weeks ago. He works away during the week but this started before he began working away. Over the last 7 months he's spent £2000 on cigarettes and alcohol. He's lied about little things that don't even matter to obviously big things. Rather than own up to everything in one go he watched me crack under the lies and owned up in dribs and drabs to try and save his own skin. He only admitted to stuff when I found proof of it. He also admitted to cheating on his ex (the mother of my stepdaughter )15-20 times and when asked if he regretted it he said he'd never really thought about it. Other than all this he appears to be the perfect adoring husband to me and to others. He's obviously a habitual cheater and liar. I've told him we're done once christmas is over because I have self respect. I'm a mature uni student and am scared of making the move to end in terms of money and telling people. He says it we're over get will remain single because there is nobody else for him. He says he's sorry but it's taken all this time for him to finally accept responsibility and has blamed everyone from his mother to me studying too much (even though I'm doing it so I can work while he retires early). Would would you do?

summerwinterton Thu 17-Dec-15 20:25:51

Kick him out now - wouldn't wait until after Christmas.

And it is his fault he is a cheat and a liar - nobody elses.

MoominPie22 Thu 17-Dec-15 20:27:06

Kick him to the kerb, the lying, disrespectful shithead! Honestly, he's been living the life of Reilly hasn't he, all these yrs? He's incapable of being a committed and monogomous partner, it would seem, cos he can't keep it in his pants! He wants to have his cake and eat it and that's what he's enjoyed all this time. Feeding his bloody ego, to boot!

Personally, there'd be no 2nd chance if I were in your shoes. When the trust is gone what else do you have? A facade. A shell of a relationship. Expect a shit-storm of emotional blackmail and general BS to come your way. And if he pleads forgiveness from you he's even more pathetic!

Maintain your dignity and tell him he's fucked up royally this time. I'd chuck his stuff out the door and change the locks. Scumbagangry....So chuffing mad on your part loki Get your closest mates and family members onside for support.flowers

FellOutOfBedTwice Thu 17-Dec-15 20:33:20

Fuck that. This isn't a one off, he's an absolute fucking scumbag. Kick him out, he's a waste of oxygen.

ThatsNiceDear Thu 17-Dec-15 20:34:06

I'd tell him to fuck off, what a cunt. You poor thing. flowers You don't need to waste any more of your time with him, although I understand the not telling the kids until after Christmas, if you can stomach having him around for another week.

P1nkP0ppy Thu 17-Dec-15 20:37:36

Stuff that, tell him to bugger off. Now.
I wouldn't be able to stand being in the same house as him, he's utterly despicable.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 17-Dec-15 20:42:21

From experience, please don't try to carry on as normal. It doesn't work.
Better to make the break now than have to go through a horrible charade over Christmas.
He needs to leave, and you need space.

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 20:50:17

Bloody hell, what a shit bag. So sorry op. I agree with PPs that I wouldn't go through the Xmas charade. I'd ask him to go and spend it with his parents or something, give you some space, tell the kids he's had to work - they are probably young enough not to question it as long as you put it across confidently enough.

What do you need to do now? Can you speak to Citizens Advice or go on the entitledto website to see what benefits you'd get as a single parent and student? I know it's a scary thought to be in that position, and you may need to make changes to your current study process (speak to your course administrator about this and for support in general.)

Do you have supportive family and/or friends nearby? Have you told anyone in RL yet?

WanderingTrolley1 Thu 17-Dec-15 20:51:43

The sooner you ditch him, the better, for all involved.

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:01:08

Family know but nobody else. I'm scared of making our split common knowledge because that makes it real. I know you're all right and that I need to end it l. I've told him it's over but a small part of me thinks I'm doing it to teach him a lesson and that we'll end up back together eventually. I'm stupid because I obviously think I'm different to the other women but really I'm not. I just happened to catch him at the age of marriage, kids and a mortgage. I'm grieving for the man I thought he was and the life and future I thought we had. I'm also scared of being alone after 11 years and at the age of 35 with two kids but because he's been working away every week it won't be a massive change.

Hissy Thu 17-Dec-15 21:02:19

Give yourself the best Christmas ever. Get shot of him

summerwinterton Thu 17-Dec-15 21:22:12

He won't change - it doesn't matter who he is with. Btw I would advise sti testing for you - sorry.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Thu 17-Dec-15 21:25:58

If you let him stay, invest in some horse blinkers - you're gonna need them. Men like this never change. My advice would be to kick him out. And fast. He's a fucking twat. flowers

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:40:48

I forgot to mention. He admitted he didn't use protection so yes, I will need to get tested. After the second week I suggested a lie detector test and that's when he admitted to more, but not everything. I don't doubt that if he did a lie detector he'd admit to something else the night before.

itsmeohlord Thu 17-Dec-15 21:43:27

You are still with this man because....????

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 21:48:58

He works away Monday to Friday so deciding what i wanted to do has been difficult and this has all been developing over 3 weeks.

mineofuselessinformation Thu 17-Dec-15 21:56:00

I'm scared of making our split common knowledge because that makes it real. Damn right it does. But remember, this is not your shame - it is his. That's a big thing to understand and get your head around.

LeaLeander Thu 17-Dec-15 21:57:10

What brought all of this to your attention now?

mintoil Thu 17-Dec-15 22:17:19

Oh my God! I don't want to be brutal OP but this man is disgusting!

See a solicitor - tell him to leave - take his stuff to family/friends/whatever.

Please don't engage any more with him - he could have infected you with allsorts. He has no love, care or respect for you.

You poor thing. I hope there is a much brighter future out there for you but it certainly isn't with him.

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 22:17:29

I found a text on his phone from a workmate saying 'was your girlfriend, Kim there' and he replied 'no, shes with the biker now'. I thought it was just a bit of banter so I asked him 'who's kim?' And his face went white. I never realised it would lead to all this. I found software to recover deleted text messages on his old phone and I have a programme that is monitoring his messages which he doesn't know about and there has been nothing since I confronted him. He's not been drinking either.

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 22:20:00

The problem is I can't just turn off the love I feel for him. I don't like what he did to me or our children and I'm not willing to have him back bug I can't help how I feel. He was obviously so good at keeping up this facade for 11 years or he did live near in the way he thought was okay. What a know, eh?!!!

summerwinterton Thu 17-Dec-15 22:37:48

oh dear - so you think staying with him and monitoring his every move will be good? What about his other secret phone/email or whatever else? Lie detector won't make him into a loyal and faithful man. The person you are in love with doesn't exist.

lokisleeps4 Thu 17-Dec-15 23:35:57

Oh God. I know he doesn't exist. My heart is broken. I feel like im constantly being kicked in the stomach. I'll never be the same person no matter what happens.

mintoil Fri 18-Dec-15 08:24:34

That's right Loki you won't be the same person, but you can come away from this stronger and happier. I absolutely promise you, you can recover from this.

blindsider Fri 18-Dec-15 08:32:36

In my experience the cheater will only admit to stuff you can actually prove. The fact that they can't be honest (for once) and allow you to lance the boil in one go tells you all they need to know about the sincerity of their remorse. You need to think about what is best for you and your children, that might include forgiving him, that is a decision for you and you alone. Don't be swayed by threats of 'ending it all' etc. they will say anything to save their cheating skins. There does seem a pretty consistent pattern here it isn't a one off drink fuelled mistake. Good luck

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