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Is it normal to feel like this?

(11 Posts)
IsitNormal2FeelLikeThis Thu 17-Dec-15 18:40:38

Hi I have posted before but have name changed for this.

I have been in an abusive relationship for 20+ years but only realised it about 18 months ago having suffered from severe depression for several years.

I am well on the road to recovery and a couple of months ago told him I wanted a divorce. Things are pretty miserable at the moment with him ramping up all his "normal" behaviours and also rewriting our entire marriage so that I look foolish even asking for a divorce.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and am mostly doing okay but there are days when I am so consumed by rage and hatred towards him that I am frightened of my own feelings. Is it normal to feel like this or am I being irrational?

Thank you

Seeyounearertime Thu 17-Dec-15 19:24:05

Sounds normal to me.

I think that the emotional response being triggered by the stimuli is normally the correct one.

So your STBXH behaving like a dick is making you angry. Seems normal.
Getting totally taken over by anger and rage? yup, normal to me too.

The difference between relatively 'normal' people and those who are less 'normal' is how they act on those feelings. If you took a hammer to his car for example, that wouldn't really be normal.
If you kicked him squarely in his testicles whilst wearing the pointiest pair of slingbacks you can find, that's probably not normal either.

If I were you I'd realise the feelings are there, are nothing to be ashamed of, don't act on them, and move on to more practical things using the hatred and rage as fuel for getting things done.

Marchate Thu 17-Dec-15 19:27:28

Symptoms of depression are very similar to indicators of EA. Rewriting the marriage is pretty standard.

When you saw what he was doing and decided not to rise to the bait, he'd definitely turn the screw. He wants you to think the light at the end of the tunnel is an express train!

Your feelings are normal, bearing in mind you've been trapped inside a spider's web for years without realising. Not at all irrational

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Thu 17-Dec-15 19:27:45

I had these kind of feelings frequently while divorcing my emotionally and psychologically abusive ex-husband, so yes I would say totally normal.

Fourormore Thu 17-Dec-15 19:30:02

Definitely normal. Making you doubt yourself is how they get away with what they do.

Hang on to your gut instinct. It gets so much better once you're free.

duracellmummy Thu 17-Dec-15 19:30:42


and he knows how to push your buttons to make you feel that YOU are the one who is deranged and unreasonable rather than him.

duracellmummy Thu 17-Dec-15 19:31:13

PS....well done for realising and getting out.
Good luck

MyGastIsFlabbered Thu 17-Dec-15 19:40:33

I was only married to my abusive ex for 6 years but I left earlier this year. I can't even think about him without getting totally enraged, I'm so angry with how he behaved and continues to behave. I'm hoping at some point I'll be able to forgive him but I'm nowhere near there yet.

IsitNormal2FeelLikeThis Thu 17-Dec-15 22:05:18

Thank you all. I glad to hear it is a normal reaction, I don't think I have ever felt so angry in my entire life.

Seeyou, there is no way I am going to act on the anger in any vindictive or vengeful way that's not in my nature. I try and walk it off or put on loud music and dance wildly, or if really enraged plump up the cushions on the sofa (pummel to death more like! smile ) but only when the kids aren't around to see.

duracellmummy Fri 18-Dec-15 12:38:45

You've got a lot of rage that has been suppressed for a lot of years...good to let it out (sensibly) and be real.

duracellmummy Fri 18-Dec-15 12:42:43

PS other normal reactions may include any or all of...
weeping at everything for a while with or without triggers (I called myself the dripping tap for a few months),
anger at self
righteous indignation and a desire to "save people" from the same mistake
anger at others for not seeing the abuse you see
self doubt (was it really that bad....yes it was), (was it me rather than it wasn't), (was i as bad as him...don't know but you probably will be normal without him)....

or perhaps that's just me!

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