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Friendship advice

(12 Posts)
Needadvice64 Thu 17-Dec-15 15:27:42

I have a friend for over 20 years and am getting upset with the way our friendship is going. It always seems to be me making contact unless she wants to talk or needs a favour. When we make arrangements she will double book and cancel at the last minute (she has done this for years but now is really bothering me). If I say anything to her, she becomes defensive and this makes me feel bad. When we do speak, it is always about her, she will talk over me and then cut the conversation short by saying she has to go! She has become very friendly with another mutual friend, meet up and never invite me! I know I am being a sap, but can't understand why she would do this. If I ask her, she always says 'oh you should have come, it was just arranged at the last minute'. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. I am more concerned that it would cause issues with other friends in the group if I make a big thing out if this. Any advise ....?

shoeaddict83 Thu 17-Dec-15 15:35:22

OMG i have been in practically the same situation as you! there was a group of 6 of us friends for years, but 4 of them have suddenly started doing everything together and 'forgetting' to invite 2 of us, or making snide comments to us. Making it all about them, and if i had any issue they never have time for me. Felt i was being pathetic and even when DP kept asking me WTF i kept seeing them for, i didnt have a better answer than 'coz theyve been my friends for so long'.
Met up with the other friend recently and chatted about it and realised we are so much better off out of the 'bitchy' group. Were happy to join them on ocassional nights out/lunch etc but its really not worth the stress. Ive got so much good things going on in my life now that i dont need friends who are fake. Were both the only ones with family and just because we dont drop everything for a vodka fuelled night or want to let our DC/DSC be out late at friends gatherings we seem to be bad for this and frozen out?? Were both sure its jealousy in a way, that they are still trying to act 18 instead of in their 30's, and we wont go along with this as we both are perfectly happy with the balance of family and fun.
And since making that decision and stepping back ive felt ten times happier than clinging to a friendship thats not worth it.
IF it was a relationship would you do the same? stay with him because you felt obliged to, cling on t love that isnt there anymore or let him treat you in this belittling way?? No! so treat this friendship the same! Im sure you do have friends worth your time and friendship so forget this one or at least step back and dont indulge it anymore. trust me its so much relief!!flowers

regretsihaveafew Thu 17-Dec-15 15:46:40

It is very hurtful but it looks like her priorities have changed. Maybe she finds in her new friend someone who is not going to call her up on her dominance and poor behaviour. You have rumbled her and addressed the fact she has not treated you very well and she will therefore avoid you....if she has an alternative.

I think you should move on, let her contact you...she may not and it will feel even more rejecting, but you cannot keep on hurting like this or great resentment will result and the friendship won't work anyway with it all simmering in the background.

She sounds selfish and rude, she should not talk over you and leave when she feels things are getting too uncomfortable. Some people never take responsibility for their behaviour, they usually don't change as they never want to face themselves.

Just be civil, and let it all lie. Observe from a distance, play it cool and make different friends if you can. Friendships change all the time, as if life changing constantly. One door closing, another opening and all that....

Try not to involve other friends, if anyone mentions it have a stock innocuous response ready and don't get drawn into explanation/drama/gossip.

Meemolly Thu 17-Dec-15 16:34:33

Hmm... this is a topic very close to the bone for me as I seem to be a magnet for relationships like this. So at the grand old age of £! I have decided to try and find some self-respect and consider if I am happy to be a sounding board. I have decided that I deserve to have a friend who will listen to ME and is interested in ME just as much as I am interested in them. I have recently wandered into a scenario like this again and I realise that our conversations revolve around her and when I mention me, then we frequently return to how that is similar to her situation as well. So OP, you sound like you have been a great friend and perhaps if you step back she will realise what she is missing, or she will not, but at least you will be taking steps to make yourself feel valued.

roundaboutthetown Thu 17-Dec-15 16:46:22

She clearly isn't a friend. I would stop banging your head against a brick wall and cease bothering to contact her.

Needadvice64 Thu 17-Dec-15 17:02:55

Thank you all so much for your responses, it has really helped to get a different perspective. I knew the answers I would get, but needed it in black and white!! It's such a shame that after all,these years, it would come to this but hey, it happens!! Happy Christmas to you all

shoeaddict83 Fri 18-Dec-15 09:44:08

Happy Christmas Need i hope you have a lovely one with real friends and family and dont worry about this 'friendship'!flowers

Needadvice64 Sat 19-Dec-15 13:22:52

And she has done it again!! Had arranged lunch for friends 2 months ago (!) as we all get busy at this time of year. Friend hasn't told me she can't make it, but has arranged to meet another friend on the same day and time. I am so p*** with her, and am trying really hard not to explode when she eventually tells me she won't be able to make it.........

pocketsaviour Sat 19-Dec-15 18:36:03

Why bother not exploding? Why not just send her a message now saying "I hear you have made other arrangements for this date so we won't be seeing you. It's rude of you to have let me down like this (again) and without bothering to tell me. Go fuck yourself I think we seem to be moving in different directions, so perhaps it's time our friendship was put out to pasture. Best wishes for the future."

JT05 Sat 19-Dec-15 18:52:05

Yes, it happens. Over xxxx decades, I have come to realise that some friendships are really very thin. The more you help some people through difficult times the thinner the lasting link becomes! Don't know why.

Move on, make some new friends and hope they are more honourable!

Needadvice64 Sat 19-Dec-15 18:54:00

I have decided I have spent far too much time on this so called friend and am getting fed up with myself for banging on about it. She's outed as far as I am concerned. I will no longer contact her of expect anything from her. My life is so good I can't and won't let her bring me down anymore.

roundaboutthetown Sat 19-Dec-15 18:58:48

Why not arrange to be doing something else then, yourself? Something particularly fun... Then, if she bothers to call you at all, you can tell her it's such a relief she's got someone else to see, because you'd forgotten all about having to meet up with her. Don't offer to rearrange - just make it clear you are really rather busy over the next few months and will be in touch as and when you have time (which would be never grin).

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