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My ex apparently got married and I've got the rage

(60 Posts)
pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 07:20:27

Found out last night that my ex - we split in early 2013 after getting engaged at Xmas 2012 - got married. Not even recently. In mid 2014, so a little over a year after we broke up.

He was a lying, cheating, thieving, selfish scumbag. He dumped me by phone while he was working away, the cowardly shit, 3 days before I was due to start a new job, which meant I had to not only cope with the demands of the new job but also move house at the same time.

While I was in training for the new job, which entailed staying out of town during the week, he logged into my email account and deleted a string of emails between us showing that I had lent him £3.5k to buy a car and where he had agreed to pay it back.

He told me the reason for the split was that he wanted to move to London and I didn't. Of course it transpired he was actually moving straight in with another woman - the mother of his two oldest children.

Up until last night I believed they had split up and I was okay with that because it felt like he hadn't "got away with it" if you know what I mean?

Now I find out he married her and I have a really bitter taste in my mouth.

Why do I give a shit? He is a scumbag and I'm better off without him. But have spent most of the night tossing and turning with a combination of anger and anxiety. And now I've got a long train journey and two days away from home for work. Argh. confused

Jinglebells99 Thu 17-Dec-15 07:29:37

Aw, he doesn't sound like much of a catch tbh, so maybe you dodged a bullet there. You are better off without him.

tallwivglasses Thu 17-Dec-15 07:34:07

You had a lucky escape. What a scumbag.

sinber Thu 17-Dec-15 07:38:43

Well of course you've got the rage, because LIFE IS NOT FUCKING FAIR.

Tate15 Thu 17-Dec-15 07:44:08

Similar thing here.

Mine denied an affair but I found out after we had split that they were together.

It is horrible as you have a wide range of emotions, humiliation, rejection, anger, sadness, bitterness and a horrible sense of your time being completely wasted.

I got through it by playing imaginary scenes in my head where I bumped into them whilst I was looking fabulous at a point where they were having a row and I'd smile benevolently at them and tell them how successful and well I was doing etc. My little short films in my mind would always portray these encounters as my being a winner and them being the losers.

It is a psychological trick and emotional crutch to boost your confidence and self esteem. After awhile you feel better about yourself and have no need for the imaginary scenarios or to dwell on the past.

You will obsess over the relationship because this revelation of their marrying has opened up the wound again, but if you replace those bitter feelings with the triumphant ones in your fantasy scenarios you will feel better and gradually come through this time leaving all thoughts of them behind.

ToastedOrFresh Thu 17-Dec-15 07:44:13

I agree. You dodged a bullet.

In your own words: He was a lying, cheating, thieving, selfish scumbag.

Good advice from MN: when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You might one day smile when you realise just what she's got for a husband. The words in bold are an indicator.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thu 17-Dec-15 07:47:25

He didn't get away with it, because he's still him, and that means he never gets to escape being around a nasty, little loser.

I think most people hope for some kind of cosmic karma. That people who do bad things should only ever have bad things happen to them forever more. Sadly it doesn't work like that. They will have moments of happiness.

The important thing to remember is that you will never, ever have this man drag you down. You know what he's like in private, you know the public face isn't his private face. You know what his new wife will have to live with. Even though that's not really relevant either.

Sometimes I have to remind myself, that for all the happiness that is probably in my xh's life, I will never have to deal with his lies, his casual nastiness, his smell, ever again. I'm happier for not knowing him.

I really, really wish karma existed.

But I very much prefer being me. If I had to live my life as the utter pointlessness that is my xh, then that would surely be curse enough.

You are pocketsaviour. You are kind and caring, and have given countless hours on here to offer support to strangers. If I had to choose, I'd be you, not him.

Don't look for fairness, look to keep moving forwards. This is just another bit of grieving for a relationship that was not good for you.


princessconsuelabannahammock Thu 17-Dec-15 07:49:52

I had the same thing happen to me years ago except we werent engaged but had been together 10 yrs and i was dumped by text! I was so angry at him getting married less than a year later - as when he was with me marriage was just a bit of paper etc

I def dodged a bullet with him, he was EA, liar, cocklodger,cheater etc but i didnt have mumsnet then and was young and stupid and in love.

I now just feel so sorry for his wife and child, the front he puts on only lasts so long and i know how horrible her life must be. His drinking, inability to keep a job etc - which was once all my fault apparently is now hers and his family are less than supportive and very judgemental.

I was once told the best revenge is to live well. So years later i have an amazing life, great hubby and kids etc and if i saw the dickhead i would shake him by the hand for doing me the biggest favour ever!

I am sorry you feel this way, its natural, ride it out. One day you will look back and thank the lord it wasnt you he married. Be kind to yourself in the meantime

SeldomAthleticFC Thu 17-Dec-15 07:52:31

You have my sympathy. I'm pissed off about my exH's forthcoming nuptials but his DP wasn't an OW and I dumped him for being an abusive useless drunk.
What pisses me off is that he can (apparently) be so nice and caring towards his DP when he was never like that with me.
It sounds like you have far more justification in being angry about your ex. It'll pass, though. Just focus on making yourself happy and think what a lucky escape you had from that lying shitbag.

TempusEedjit Thu 17-Dec-15 08:07:13

Try and focus on the two positive outcomes in this situation - 1) his two eldest DC get to see their parents back together and 2) you're rid of this lying, cheating, thieving, selfish scumbag.

Alternatively you could embrace the true meaning of giving a shit and post a turd through this thundercunt's letterbox.


grumpysquash2 Thu 17-Dec-15 08:07:36

Erm, why did you get married after you'd split up?

SoWhite Thu 17-Dec-15 08:15:50

I understand your anger, and YANBU for feeling fucked over. But I couldn't be angry at a family getting back together and making it work. Just his method for doing so.

Justaboy Thu 17-Dec-15 08:18:04

Pocket, go an offer a sacrifice to your guardian deity for saving you from your mistake of joining up with the sod in the first place.

And offer another for the mental soul of the poor other woman;!

Adelecarberry87 Thu 17-Dec-15 08:26:12

Leopards never change their spots. Best thing is brush yourself off and focus on your own happiness. Your well rid x

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 08:30:00

Thanks all. His two oldest are adults and he split with their mum when they were only tiny so I don't think they were that bothered tbh. In fact he got her pregnant with the younger one when he was already supposed to be in a relationship with the mother of his younger two, so, you know, it's not like she doesn't know what he's like.

The thing is, I really liked and respected her. And I know from reading their texts (no shame lol) that she refused to sleep with him until after he'd finished things with me.

I know full well I've dodged a bullet. It just stings right now. It took me so long to feel ready for a relationship after my marriage, and it took me a long time to trust him (not to not cheat - monogamy isn't important for me, I mean to trust him emotionally.)

Since we split, I've been on one date, after which I realised I wasn't nearly ready to date again, not even just for hookups. At this point I'm not sure I ever will be.

Tate thank you, that visualisation sounds good, I will try it.

FuckYouChris thank you so much for your kind words, they made me cry (in a good way.)

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 08:33:32

Grumpy I think you misread my op, perhaps if wasn't very clear. I had got engaged to him in December 2012. We split up in March 2013. He married the woman he left me for in summer 2014 but I only found out last night. I haven't had a relationship since we split up.

FredaMayor Thu 17-Dec-15 08:58:51

I experienced similar, pocket, and felt the exasperation and sense of injustice you might be feeling. I have no evidence for the existence of karma, cosmic payback or whatever. Your ex or mine may be living the life of Riley, because mine, at least, has absolutely no conscience and remains convinced that the world revolves around him (a notion daily reinforced for him by his DM).

What I hope will console you is to remind you that you were the better person in the whole sorry tale. You will always know that, and ex will never come near to achieving it. A quick replacement of partner signifies immaturity and neediness IMO. In all likelihood any attributes ex may have had will be made extinct due to the effect of global warming, or some such. Not karma, just natural selection wink.

I hope the shock and anger holds off for your business trip so that that unworthy person will not have the satisfaction of trashing your life further from afar.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 17-Dec-15 09:05:44

I feel when you have opened yourself up enough to love someone it can't do anything but hurt when they do something that makes me feel you meant nothing to them.

I have an ex who meant everything to me and I thought we would get back together. We are married to other people. Every now and then he comes back into my life, turns it upside down then fucks off without a word when it gets too much. He's had his fun and I am left feeling worthless again and angry that I am so weak as to let him in enough to hurt me again. Trouble is it takes about five minutes as I never got over him.

shoeaddict83 Thu 17-Dec-15 09:50:44

ive experienced similar OP, was with my ex-fiancee 7years, the day our wedding invites arrived to send out he told me it was over as he wasnt ready for marriage. Turned out its coz hed been with someone else for 2 years. He moved her into our house whilst i was still on the deeds, then proceeded to marry her 3 months later (not ready my arse!) hurt like a f***er and it took me a few years to get over it. And to this day i hate him, and her and if i see them it makes my stomach sick, BUT i know im better off.
We had a toxic relationship. he lied, cheated, left me in debt after using my credit cards knowing he would leave before i got the statements, but for some crazy reason i still was devastated it was over.
That was 6 years ago, Now am with an amazing man and could not be happier and all the fears and distrust i had from that previous relationship have now gone because of my new man, but for some reason that little bit of pain is always there and i think it always will be.
yes i dodged a major bullet and cant believe i stayed with him so long when i look back...BUT it doesnt stop the pain of what he did. You'll be fine OP, use friends, family and get through it and keep telling yourself that the OW is now stuck in the position you would not want to be in - his wife! You will find someone so much more worthy of you flowers

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 10:47:18

I feel when you have opened yourself up enough to love someone it can't do anything but hurt when they do something that makes me feel you meant nothing to them.

Yes, you're right. I think the thing is I go about my life, and I know I am immensely strong because I've been through so much shit in my life. I have told myself that he is a shit, better off without, etc, but the truth is I still miss him,even after 2.5 years. He was very good company - he had led a really interesting life and we had such absorbing conversations. Sex was amazing, without doubt the best I've ever had. I got on with his family so well, including his children and grandchildren, which I valued because my only family now I'd my sister and my ds.

Even now, I find it hard to think "I'm never going to have sex with him again, or hear another of his stories about growing up in his grandparents country, or have a debate with him about politics."

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 10:50:12

shoe 2 yrs, that is awful! I'm glad everything's worked out for you now. Tbh I don't know if I'll ever be willing to share my life with anyone again. I have learned to put myself first a lot more now and I don't know if I could accept someone else taking up my time.

pocketsaviour Thu 17-Dec-15 10:51:57

And now I'm stuck next to someone reading the Daily Fucking Mail in the train. And it's packed so I can't move. fangry

grumpysquash Thu 17-Dec-15 11:44:18

Grumpy I think you misread my op, perhaps if wasn't very clear. I had got engaged to him in December 2012. We split up in March 2013. He married the woman he left me for in summer 2014 but I only found out last night. I haven't had a relationship since we split up.

Oh, I see what you mean! Sorry. I misunderstood what you had written and thought you got engaged, split up, then got married in 2014 (which was a bit confusing).

Sorry it's been such a bumpy ride for you, hope 2016 will be happier.

Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 11:50:59

Well I'm glad you're never going to have sex with him again as he's clearly and arse who doesn't deserve you. wine santa

He will fuck this relationship up too just like he has all the other ones, but next time you won't have to deal with the fallout.

Goingtobeawesome Thu 17-Dec-15 12:28:59

I've just deleted all contact options. I'm sorry you are hurting pocket but thank you for making me feel I need to stop all this angst. It's actually quite liberating.

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