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Ex husband wants me to look after his nan for good divorce.

(60 Posts)
jojo9999 Thu 17-Dec-15 01:50:00

Hi everyone,

I recently left my husband a few months ago to start a new life with my lover. Everything seems to be going smoothly and both of us are looking forward to our bright future ahead.

My main concern is that i received an email from my ex husband last week asking me to come home to look after the animals (3 cats) and his nan (who is now ill). I was with my ex husband for 8 years and before leaving him we bought a new house and it was something i always wanted. I wont go in to detail but the main reason i wanted a fresh start was to get away from him due to his controlling behaviour / mental abuse. Because i left, it meant he has less income to pay the bills, and says he may lose the house and also may need to put the animals in to care (which i love dearly). He also told me his working longer hours to try to balance his payments. His nan has fallen ill and he also needs me to take care of her, and ive known her since ive known my ex husband.

Im in a dilemma and need some advise about the email he sent me. He wants me to go down and live with him for a 'few months' and in return he would give me a 'good' divorce. Main reason is for me to take care of his nan and the animals while he tries to sort himself out.

Im not sure whether this is a good idea and whether its fair on my lover. If i do go down, im scared if i get confused and whether my ex husband somehow convinces me to stay and work on the broken relationship.

I do not love my ex husband but he does get inside my head at times and he can read me like a book. Im very fragile and stressed out of this whole situation. I just want to move on with my new lover. Im scared incase if i dont go down and do what he wants, then he may get nasty. If his nan dies, and i didnt go down, i may regret it and again my ex husband will never forgive me. Of course if his nan was in hospital i will visit but he says that she is 'ill'.

I have replied to him saying if i go down it would be on these terms, to go down 1-2 days a week to look after his nan, and animals, but he replied to say this is not good enough and then he repeated his first email saying it needs to be a 'few' months.

Please help me. Im sick and stressed. I just want to put this to bed.


Dontyouopenthattrapdoor Thu 17-Dec-15 01:55:27

"I'm so sorry she's unwell, but I cannot do what you're asking me to. I truly hope you find a good solution for her soon."

Redhotknickers Thu 17-Dec-15 01:57:33

I'm newly divorced and a bit fshock at this. You'll get a 'good' divorce regardless, the law will see to that. He can be as difficult as he likes but ultimately you'll still get your fair share. I'm tempted to say 'don't go near' & stuff the relative. Better MNrs will be along with more solid advice, it is the middle of the night right now. For the time being, here's a hand-hold & a hug.

Crispbutty Thu 17-Dec-15 01:59:24

Can't you take the cats?

MsMims Thu 17-Dec-15 02:14:21

It's not your place to care for his Nan, she needs to be assessed for proper support from carers if she's ill. Why don't you take the cats on yourself?

Shutthatdoor Thu 17-Dec-15 02:27:23

I recently left my husband a few months ago to start a new life with my lover. Everything seems to be going smoothly and both of us are looking forward to our bright future ahead.

So you had an affair and commit'd adultery and left him for your lover.

I suspect that your stbx is having trouble coming to terms with your break up and may not be thinking straight.

You obviously knew you were going to leave for a while before he did.

He is having to work longer to pay bills etc. Are you still contributing to the mortgage/bills?

SapphireSeptember Thu 17-Dec-15 02:28:41

Don't do it, if he's controlling and EA then I'd stay as far away from him as possible. If his nan is so ill that she needs that amount of care she needs a full time qualified carer or even a hospital stay, not for you to put your life on hold to look after her. I personally think he wants you back there so he can start controlling you all over again and get you back into his clutches. I second taking the pets with you though.

toopeoply Thu 17-Dec-15 02:32:28

He obviously thinks by saying he needs your help for the cats and his nan that he can win you back. Say you are sorry but you can't help. You've moved on. And offer to share the cost of the cars and mortgage till your divorce is settled.

Nottodaythankyouorever Thu 17-Dec-15 02:37:55

You need to give him a bit of space to come to terms with your affair. It has only been a few months.

Let him know that you aren't coming back.

Has he started divorce proceedings yet?

whatdoIget Thu 17-Dec-15 02:38:52

He's trying to get you back under his control again. Don't go anywhere near him. If he didn't want you to have an affair and leave, he shouldn't have emotionally abuses you, then he'd still have someone to look after the cats.

Sprink Thu 17-Dec-15 02:40:26

If you refuse, do keep the emails and/or texts. For future reference.

Frankly, the whole scenario stinks.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley Thu 17-Dec-15 02:45:05

Surely you should still be paying your share of the mortgage? You don't get to walk out on your joint financial commitments just because you want out of the marriage. You need to keep paying your share until you can come to an arrangement to either sell the house or for him to buy out your share and then take a lodger or something to help him manage alone.

You could take your cats, surely. Besides, cats don't need 'looking after' in that way, what on earth is he on about? As long as he comes home at some point each day to feed them and they have access to a litter tray I don't understand why they need more looking after than that. Maybe he feels that the cats are yours not his and you've dumped them on him?

It's nice that you were fond of his nan but she is really not your problem. If she needs a full time carer then someone in her own family should be doing it. There is no logical basis to ask you.

Funinthesun15 Thu 17-Dec-15 02:45:16

You need to let things 'settle'

In the space of a few months you have had an affair, left your stbx and moved in with your lover and 'looking forward to your bright future'

Neither your or your ex behaviour is particularly good.

Let him know you can't do it.

Out2pasture Thu 17-Dec-15 03:37:39

Consider taking the pets and looking into 3rd party home support for nan?

Dragonsdaughter Thu 17-Dec-15 07:12:06

The mortgage and animals are partly your responsibility - step up to them
The nan is his - step away
It's hard after an abusive or even just unhappy relationship to define our boundaries but is actually the most important thing to get right.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 17-Dec-15 07:16:13

Pay your share of the mortgage until the divorce is through
Go and get your animals
Wish his nan well
The end

Twinklestein Thu 17-Dec-15 08:51:16

You can't be serious?

You recognise he's controlling and abusive but you're considering moving back with him? His nan is simply an excuse. I can't imagine how you could fall for something so obvious, so it sounds as if you need to do the Freedom Programme.

If you're worried about the animals take them yourself. He needs to sort out his grandmother himself. You'll have a good divorce even if you never speak to him again (which I highly recommend).

You've got the new life you deserve, don't mess it up.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Dec-15 08:56:03

Im not sure whether this is a good idea and whether its fair on my lover
Of course it's not a good idea.
It's not fair on your or your current partner.
Seriously, fuck that.
He's trying to get you back under his control.
FGS do NOT fall for it.
If you can take the cats then do so.
If not then he can give them to a rescue centre.
I've no idea why he thinks YOU should look after his nan?
That's just plain weird.
Please do NOT compromise at all.
1-2 days a week??? Nope!
Stay away from him for your own mental health. THIS will NOT end well if you pander to his controlling ways again.
Are you contributing to the house payments at all?
You bought it together and if you are not divorced yet you should be paying towards it.
Do you have kids at all?

iwantgin Thu 17-Dec-15 09:03:26


But you need to sort things out.

Are you paying your share of house/bills that you owe?

Take cats.

Cabrinha Thu 17-Dec-15 09:18:19

You should be paying your share of the mortgage, and you shouldn't have dumped the cats on him.
That said, cats are hardly a burden. I think your responsibility is covered by you chucking him £50 for cat food and helping to rehome them if he doesn't want them either.

On the mortgage - if you can't afford to pay your share and he was abusive - then fuck him. It'll just have to go on the market ASAP.

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet?
I'd try to go interest only on the mortgage during this period and pay your share of that. If you can't, you should repay him your share from the split, if he pays yours until the sale.

But please: SOLICITOR!

I'm not even replying about his man cos it's manipulative bullshit.

It's actually very worrying that you're even posting this. The only response here is "NO". If you can't see that, it can see it but can't stick to it, you need to see a therapist urgently.

I'm a bit hmm about the affair, but if your husband was abusive I'm more forgiving of the exit affair. Worried about your ability to avoid arseholes though, given your inability to tell the ex no, so wary of this one. But anyway, assuming he's OK... I'd consider leaving my boyfriend if they did what you're considering. No fucking way would my boyfriend be moving back in with his wife simply because of her manipulation!

Goingtobeawesome Thu 17-Dec-15 09:25:51

He's under the impression he has a say in how the divorce will go. He's trying to control you still. Be careful though. You're coming across as caring just about your lover and that everything is so perfect now you are with the new man. If you were so secure you wouldn't be allowing the stbeh to mess with your head.

roundandroundthehouses Thu 17-Dec-15 09:35:13

Imagine you were a man, and it was your female partner who started the thread.

'My dp is moving back in with his ex-wife. He says that she needs him back, to look after the cats and her elderly grandmother. He's promised me that if he does this, his divorce from her will go smoothly, and then we will live happily ever after.'

Everyone would be calling bullshit, saying it was just an excuse to move back in with his ex because he didn't really want to be with you. And I'd be very surprised if similar things didn't cross your dp's mind, if you go along with this scheme. You can fulfil your responsibilities towards the mortgage and cats without moving back in with him. But his granny is none of your business. That's emotional blackmail. And yes, keep the emails he sent, in case it's also a veiled threat that he'll get nasty if you don't do it.

summerwinterton Thu 17-Dec-15 09:39:11

Of course you should not go back. If you think that is a good idea then you need WA and the Freedom Programme pronto. I wonder why it took an affair for you to leave him? I hope you haven't leapt out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I would suggest a good lawyer and commence divorce now. Your ex cannot control a divorce, even if he thinks he can control you, he is not above the law. His nan is his problem.

Bubblesinthesummer Thu 17-Dec-15 09:40:34

One thing I would say is the fact that you are living with your lover it may affect your financial settlement in the fact that you have somewhere to live and share the bills with.

AuntieStella Thu 17-Dec-15 09:40:35

The promise of a "good divorce" is wholly useless.

I think you need to tell him that you are retaining a lawyer, and hope that the divorce will be amicable and the settlement fair whatever else is going on.

If you decide you do want to work for him (as a carer for nan and animals) that's fine (I wouldn't, but you might want to), tell him you will research the going market rate for domestic services of this kind and that you will expect a proper employment contract.

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