Wow that hurt!

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Just offloading really.

I had a telephone call this evening from my DM looking for the address of STBX-PIL. STBXH and I separated several years ago (well...he left).

He was and is emotionally, financially and verbally abusive. Continues to be the golden child of his parents. Despite my bending over backwards to ensure that DC remain in touch with their father and his family, I am demonised to my face and behind my back. I've got around all that in my head- "blood is thicker than water", if they admit how bad he is, it will reflect on them etc.

So, my mother rang me to ask for the address of PIL who are not at their usual home this Christmas. She wanted to send them a Christmas card- it emerged that she has continued to exchange cards with them every year since the split.

It really, really hurts.

I've had arms-length emotional support from my family; "oooh, he is awful" type remarks. But sadly, no practical support with DC, left out of conversations, been screamed at because I "had a long face" when alone at Christmas, told that it was no surprise that he left as I am "difficult to live with".

I don't know what I want from posting- just to unload the hurt really. I've done so much work to detach from it all and it/they still have the power to betray and hurt me. :-(

[AnyFucker]

Ugh. I am sorry you are surrounded by arse holes

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Thanks AF.
I am really; it has been a long hard slog to realise and come to terms with it.
At the same time, I am trying to bring up DC...I've often thought it's the equivalent of an emotional tsunami....no shelter anywhere.

[AnyFucker]

Keep weathering that storm. Friends ? Mumsnet ?

[timelytess]

Have you had any counselling? It helps.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Friends dropped away while I was married to selfish, emotionally abusive twat.....19 phone calls was the record while I was out one night. Dramatic events requiring me to return home immediately if I was away with family.

Since he left, I've not had the energy, inclination, confidence or time to go out (I started my own business, and am raising DC alone, one with SN).

I don't do feeling sorry for myself...but my life-raft got punctured this evening and I'm in dock for repairs (that's murdering the analogy isn't it?).

I have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach since she rang. I just want to cry but won't.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Oh timely, thank you.

Yes I've done counselling++++++.
Yes, I was co-dependent; had well learned relationship styles from dysfunctional Family-of-Origin.
I am the family scapegoat.

Knowing all the scenarios and why people do it, doesn't stop it hurting when something like this lands, though.

[AnyFucker]

Would having a little cry be so bad ? Get some tension pressure systems out ?

[AnyFucker]

Just because our parents have always disappointed us, doesn't mean it won't hurt when they do it again

[MyMoneyIsAllSpent]

Its okay to cry, it helps to let it all out. You deserve better and you have done nothing wrong, at all. In fact you are doing amazingly well.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Ah thanks, AF, but I'm a strong old bird really. I've done enough crying and don't give anyone (other than my DC - and the dog) that kind of power over me now.

I can intellectually understand why she does it...she has an overriding need to be "nice". She threw me under the bus to various bullies over the years, all because she had to be nice.
Fine.
It's a role that has served her well and kept DM safe and At a distance I can cope with her now.

But I refuse to be drawn into the madness.
She ended the conversation asking if she should send a card so...and I told her to decide for herself; and that I don't care either way, but that she should at least think about why, WHY she is sending one.
Such a small thing, but such a big indicator.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Thanks MyMoney.

I am doing well- I know I am.
Now, several years after I needed the support, some of my family will tell me what wonderful DC I have, and I've done a great job.
Well....yah booh sucks

I am more than just a brood mare with well brought up children.
And I could have done with those remarks 3 years ago- they're worthless now

[HilarysMantelpiece]

I'm getting a bit cross now. Much better than upset.

[Robotgirl]

Hi OP
Totally hear ya. Very similar history with twat ex & his family twisting stuff & my parents consistent lack of support with their GC.
You sound like a strong, awesome woman. Why wouldn't this knock you sideways? It would anyone. Plus it's Christmas & sometimes emotions feel stronger at this time of year with all the relentless BE HAPPY COS IT'S CHRISTMAS & endless consumerism

[NormaStanleyFletcher]

Hillary, you sound really rather wonderful. I would love to be your friend if you lived near me.

It seems you have weathered everything the tsunami has thrown at you so far.

And just think how much worse it would be if you were still with the wankbadger.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Thanks Robot. You're right of course about Christmas....I listened to a great podcast with a Psychologist last year, who talked about how Christmas is so infused with family and security...even if there are squabbles, it's still most people's safe place.

Well, it's not for me. I plan to paint my kitchen on Cmas day while DC go out with their dad.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Hi Hilary. I understand you. I do. I found out at a family do a few weeks back that my dtb was at my abusive 1st husbands wedding this year. All kept quiet of course
I get by by telling myself I can rest at night without guilt and I fear NOTHING that anyone has to say about me. Because I'm right. I've been honest. It's them who have to keep secrets and worry about judgement . Keep on reminding yourself you are a good person. I don't know you personally, but I will from now on consider you a friend. As will we all. Fuck them all darling. An honest life may hurt but it's much less stressful than theirs.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Why thank you Norma :-)

Yes, it could be much worse. I can actually, hand-on-heart say, if offered a choice of my current life having gone through all the above, or a version where STBXH and I were still together, I would choose this.
I have learned so much about life and people, and why they play the games they do.
I can even feel sorry for not-so-DH and PIL. Genuinely.

[Marchate]

Some lucky people have/had parents who actually liked them, I guess. Those of us who were the family scapegoat can understand your sadness. Mine are dead but they still loom somewhere in my mind, blaming me for everyone's problems.
There's no need for parents & inlaws to keep in touch after a separation. Seems to me it's only to keep stirring

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Notasingle, that's terribly wrong.
an honest life may hurt but it's much less stressful
So, so true.

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Thanks. I'm ok with it. I always know when dtb is lying anyway obviously. Family take us for granted. They genuinely forget that those children they get away with being shits to grow into adults who can make their own decisions about them. By getting it out you're healing. Good luck to you.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

Marchate,

TBH I don't think my DM is stirring....it's just a genuine lack of thought on her part and a complete fixation on "being nice" and being seen to be nice...whatever the cost.

A cost that included not sticking up for me as a child.

'D'MIL on the other hand probably perceives the cards as some sort of "cover" or approval. I suspect she sees my DM's card as a way of saying "it's a pity the two young ones couldn't sort it out but lets be civil nonetheless".

There is NO way to be civil to unreasonable, abusive, selfish people. Best kept at very long arms length.

[HilarysMantelpiece]

It's a BETRAYAL ffs

(sorry to shout...but if I shouted at DM there would be tears....and many phone calls from siblings as to why I upset her).

[loooopo]

I think that you were very assertive, strong and focused to ask your DM to ask herself why she was sending the card.

However I would go one step further and request that she did not send one and give her the reasons why. She may or may not oblige. But her being/seen to be "nice' is not acceptable to you if it hurts you and she needs to know.

Dont worry if that message unsettles her - stop walking on eggshells.

Do you think that you also need to be seen as nice by not being direct with your DM? You dont need to shout - you can calmly and simply state the facts.

What is dtb?

[Notasinglefuckwasgiven]

Twin brother. Not as close as we used to be. Used to be together all the time. Even shared a room despite having our own rooms and lived together for a while as adults. Something changed along the way.

[akaWisey]

I get it too Hilary. Not quite where you're at yet with the understanding how come and all that, but that's what I aim for.

I have NN envy btw