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NC with PIL, they've sent a gift.

(15 Posts)
elfycat Wed 16-Dec-15 18:47:28

Do I return it to them?

Last year I was very newly NC and donated their gift to me to a charity shop. DH was supposed to make sure he didn't bring a gift from them to me, but what can I say? He lives in FOG and when I read him the opening to the 'Stately Homes' thread he sort of looked shell-shocked. Of course he's not going to actually challenge their behaviour or actions.

No that was MY job, and I got 14 years of bullying for not agreeing with them and changing my behaviour to fit their narrow-minded, bigoted universe. I quit trying to make the best of it last year (their nastiness was escalating).

I know in their eyes I'm the bad guy. They've been gaslighting DH for years about an incident that FIL caused and was witnessed verbally attacking me, but he still insists I was the aggressor rather than the person who turned around and walked away. Gaslighting is the least of it. At least DH heard about it through the witnesses so he knows the truth, he challenged them once and we were both NC for about a year but then we went back (at DH's request). It seems FIL is still waiting for me to apologise.

I had myself convinced that my only path was to just let it all go and to not try to explain myself, or tell them why or anything. The 'win' scenario is to not have them in my life at all.

But this is the closest I have to contact; My posting it back to them. I threw away my birthday cheque (written to a name that is not mine, but the one they think I should have). But I return this, right?

mintoil Wed 16-Dec-15 18:51:33

No. returning it is contact sadly.

You donate it to charity, throw it away, whatever.

Even returning it is contact. They do not exist. Their gift does not exist.

Stay strong.

OpenDoorAsshole Wed 16-Dec-15 18:52:00

I'd send it back with a firm "fuck right off you clowns"...or something to that effect.

They sound toxic. You are well shot of scum like that.

FantasticButtocks Wed 16-Dec-15 18:52:08

I'd get it to the nearest charity shop, and don't bother engaging with them at all. Just don't.


MorrisZapp Wed 16-Dec-15 18:53:35

Bin it or charity shop. Don't contact them.

TesticleOfObjectivity Wed 16-Dec-15 18:57:09

I'm not in contact with my dad and if he sent me a gift I think I'd give it to charity or a friend rather then send it back. Though tbh if it was a gift voucher or something I'd probably just use it - I'm lacking I'm scruples and he wouldn't know. I suppose if you really want to make your point then sending it back makes sense. Personally I wouldn't want to do anything that invited further contact and I think returning it could lead to a further response from them.

Hissy Wed 16-Dec-15 18:58:29

Donate it or regift it. Can you donate it to the mumsnet refuge campaign?

Returning it will give them the feed they need.

It means they have got to you.

No acknowledgment.

loooopo Wed 16-Dec-15 18:58:48

Is your DH NC? If not will he tell them what you have done with it? I agree that sending back is contact.

They have only sent it to provoke a reaction - not to apologise - don't reward them with contact or reaction.

If you send it back you are responding - opening a dialogue in their eyes. There is no way that they would just accept the returned gift without further comment / communication.

This is a tough time of year when you are NC.

My MIL has been ringing my landline hoping one of the kids will pick up - they don't.

Stay strong

FantasticButtocks Wed 16-Dec-15 19:00:23

Sending it back is engaging with them; it's making a statement. It may provoke some sort of response.

You don't want these people taking up your headspace. So get rid of the gift and carry on not having contact.

elfycat Wed 16-Dec-15 19:07:22

OpenDoor grin It's what I really, really, really want to do!

But the stay NC brigade are right. I was explaining that having the last word, making the last point is foolish a month or so ago. This made me have a wobble. It will go to charity tomorrow.

And next birthday I will see if anyone on MN had the same name as my married name would be if I had bothered to change it and they can have a small bonus. I nearly did it this year but the cheque was in half before I could help myself... (This is a bad idea right?)

elfycat Wed 16-Dec-15 19:10:53

DH is still in contact, as are the DDs at least until they bad-mouth me, or try to make my DDs fit into their world girls are clever, but only to a point and shouldn't have ambition. Pretty is rated above anything else

The gift for me was underneath the DD's ones and hidden.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 16-Dec-15 19:13:12

No. Do not engage at all with these people.

Charity shop or bin their so called gift which btw was not sent out of any concern for you. Such things too are often loaded with obligation.

They want the contact; any contact from you is their reward and that is what they want, a response from you. Maintain radio silence.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 16-Dec-15 19:16:01

Your DH is still very much in FOG when it comes to them.

I would keep your children well away from these people as well; such toxic grandparents are NOT good role models to their grandchildren and it will do them no favours for them to see you as their mother so disrespected.

elfycat Wed 16-Dec-15 19:31:34

The best way I can describe DD's contact with their paternal grandparents is that MY DM approves of it. Bearing in mind that the verbal incident happened at a party at their house ( our wedding reception ) and my mother wants to give FIL a piece of her mind [ grin ] She'd be good at it too, but even a month ago I told her that NC is better but she still thinks LC is right for DH and the DDs.

WorriedWoman1234 Thu 17-Dec-15 00:37:51

DH is presumably still in contact with them because they are his parents. Could it be possible that the gift that sent you was their way of trying to heal the rift. I don't know what gaslighting is and can't really understand why whatever happened is relegated to the past where it belongs.

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