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Sidelined by PILs because we don't have children

(3 Posts)
mincebloodypie Wed 16-Dec-15 18:02:05

Has anybody else found this? I have been seeing this more and more with DHs family. It is OK for us to be expected to babysit nephews and neices whenever it suits, but we are not invited to cosy little Sunday lunches at various siblings houses. They all nip round to each other's houses for cuppas, but nobody comes down here. One of my SILs was pregnant, and we were told weeks after everybody else. The rest of the family were invited there for the big announcement but it was all kept hush hush from us. The other siblings were given very expensive wedding presents, I'm talking new kitchens...we got a toaster

I don't mean to sound selfish or grabby btw, but you notice these things. It is lots of little petty things, really. Other SIL and her husband used to be treated like this too, until they had their baby.

in the interest of drip feeding, I have a child from a previous relationship whom DH has raised as his own from toddlerhood. Also there are slight cultural differences. Nothing major, but I'm quite different from the other sibling's partners and probably not what they envisaged for DH. They also thought for years that DH would never marry.

HPsauciness Wed 16-Dec-15 19:30:23

I do think sometimes grandchildren can become the focus rather than children, I often wonder if my brother feels a bit resentful as he has none. In your case, though, it seems to be about inequality between the siblings. How does your husband feel about it? Is he upset? If not, I would probably be annoyed but say little. If he is, I would validate his feelings but you are unlikely to change them unfortunately.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 17-Dec-15 14:00:08

It's like pushing water uphill with some families, the seeds for this were probably sown long before you came on the scene. Amongst all of them, with whom do you find it easiest to get along? Perhaps over the festive season you could try inviting them over, target one group at a time.

Your title says because we don't have children but you go on to say you do have a child - just biologically not your DH's. You came as a package. It seems odd you are trusted to babysit but don't qualify for socialising.

When you say you're different from the rest who married into the your DH's family, are the cultural differences one of a number of possible factors? Perhaps you held back initially hoping they'd welcome you in and they waited in vain for DH to include you more or initiate get-togethers. Is it possible they interpret not pushing yourself forward as being aloof or disinterested? Do you wait for formal invitations or do you ever drop by?

Materially you notice that the other siblings are treated differently, it's irksome but nothing you can do to rectify that.

Even if you and DH do have a baby together it might not change how the in-laws treat you. Maybe they just can't 'read' you.

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