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Don't know what to do any more?(9 Posts)
Have been NC with parents since August.
Long story short, my mother seems to hate me for not wanting?/feeling able to? have the relationship my (BPD) sister decided she wanted with me after many years of being actively excluded from anything to do with DSis.
About three years ago, I confided in my Mum that I would find it hard, as I hadn't been able to forget/forgive DSis for pulling a boyfriend I'd been working really hard to rescue my relationship with ( openly, in a nightclub, in front of me, going home with him and haven't forgiven him either, although nobody sees me as a victim of what they did, only DSis). I did make it plain to mother at the time that as I'd kept how I felt about it/her to myself for five years and had only told mother to illustrate one of thousands of examples over the years of being screwed over by DSis, to help mother understand why I'm extremely wary of DSis but she should NOT take it as I would never be prepared to be civil and considerate and try to have a relationship with DSis with boundaries. Mother reported straight back to DSis and everything imploded from there.
Fast forward to July, when LTP and I say we're ready to get married after 7 years together. Not a word of congratulation or support from mother, just a tirade of the same worn out questions about why I hate DSis so much (I don't), why am I so hung up on the one incident with BF which happened years ago (I'm not- it was one example) and what do I tell other people about DSis (because I'm proud to go round telling folk my sister is am alcoholic, a drug addict and an all round nasty, manipulative piece of work, aren't I, because it makes me look good, right?)sarcasm
I shopped for my wedding dress alone. I invited mother to see it after I'd chosen it, but she wouldn't go (thank goodness for lovely MIL).
August is the final straw and mother sends me a letter stating I'm a bitch and a bully for not feeling able to sit down and talk with her and DSis ( when mother says talk, she means sit and listen to them list all my shortcomings as a sister and a daughter and hear them tell me what a wonderful, functioning, healthy dynamic there is in the household I've been excluded from because they now talk about EVERYTHING and that I need therapy ( I probably do, but I have a job and some sort of life and therefore struggle to find the time, money and emotional energy to go rehashing the past with a professional). Mother says that if I can't do this, then she doesn't want anything to do with me.
I have to write to ask for my birth certificate go give the registrar and I ask if parents intend to come to wedding. I'm accused of manipulation (just trying to get numbers so we can budget as parents attendance affects being able to ask extended family. Wouldn't dream of humiliating parents by having ext fam there asking where they are.)
Birth certificate duly arrived in post with letter stating that it had been me who had said I wished to go NC (it wasn't- see above. I'm just not prepared to be put in a confrontational situation with mother and DSis as it's futile).
After much discussion LTP and I will be going ahead with the wedding (so nearly weren't but we are now pregnant and feel it's what we want for us and our new family regardless).
I need my mother more than ever and I'm heartbroken that my lovely Dad is caught up in the middle of it and that I'm feeling like he's letting me down by not having been in touch.
Part of me really wants them to be in my life, and another part is so bewildered and lost and abandoned and angry that I feel I should have nothing more to do with them.
Wedding and baby are only going to happen once, but if I bring up either with them I'm afraid it will be used against me again. I also feel I want to keep our baby private and protected until I know where I stand with them. How am I going to feel on my wedding day if they're not there? How will we ever get over it if I just don't invite them and then they say I cut them off?
This is ruining what's meant to be the happiest time of my life. The fear and sense of loss is becoming overwhelming. I'm not sleeping, I have heart problems, I'm worried I'm damaging our baby and I just don't know where to go with this any more. I'm trying really hard not to hate them because I don't feel I'm entitled to.
Anyone out there have any similar experience or advice?
I would take the time to get some therapy. Not to rehash the past, but to decide and work out how you want to go forward without mum (dad?) and sis.
To my mind, your life will be easier if you go properly NC. Grieve for what might have been, but know for sure that they cannot be the support and loving people you'd like them to be. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Sometimes nc is the kindest thing you can do for yourself. They are not going to change.
Thanks, Lionheart. I think I probably know this is what I ought to do. It's the thought the permanent loss of my Dad that I can't bear. Maybe that's where the grief and the fear comes in. I feel like I've beem robbed of the last few years I might have had with him, as he's quite old. I've pretty much resolved that there's not much going back with Mum and sis, but really struggling with the feelings of loss of faith in Dad. I know therapy is on the cards in the new year.
Would there be no way to be in contact solely with Dad? Email, telephone call, letter/cards?
I sent a birthday card a couple of months ago, but no contact since then. Don't know what to make of it. He's probably get so much grief he's decided I'm not worth it. So sad.
I am so sorry to hear that. It's. But now get to have some peace, control and maybe if you want you can create a family made of friends.
Be prepared for intermittent dramatics from mum. Decide in advance your stock response.
You're lucky, you have a partner, a wedding, and your first child (congrats in your life. You're going to be okay. You do already know that though, don't you?
You know you don't need your mother. You need the woman your mother should have been, but you know you can't ever have her. So you need to grieve, and move on. She isn't going to add anything to your life.
It's horrible when your parents can't even manage the basic requirements of parenting. I am pretty much estranged from both mine, I am happy to chat if you ever need to as I completely understand, bitchy comments from your own mother,grieving for what never was etc. Go easy on yourself, have no expectations of them. Look forward to your new life and creating your own family xx
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