Ghosting, self esteem, moving on

[Alabamaslammer]

First of all, I know I've been an idiot. I started a thing with a guy at work, I don't know how else to describe it. We'd been loosely friends at work, and exchanging the odd message, then it escalated and earlier in the year turned into near non-stop messaging and flirting. He was keener than me at that stage. We had a few kisses etc and the messaging continued until he basically got what he wanted (not piv, but everything else).

Message frequency dropped dramatically and has remained that way, with occasional flurries. We have 'done stuff' since then but it has been clear to me that he was no longer as keen. I turned into the one doing the chasing. He has, on a few occasions, simply not replied to messages that I know he's seen but has always been lovely face to face. It kind of came to a head yesterday after I suggested going round, got a non commital reply and he then ignored my response. I sent a final message late last night saying it was fine if he didn't want to continue but we should carry on being mates at work. He saw it nearly 12 hours ago (we work shifts) and has not replied.

I am struggling to reconcile the nice guy I know, and everyone knows (he is universally popular and considered a lovely guy) and the ghosting/being used. I hate myself for wanting him back, if you like. This is a common pattern in my life, where I am OK for sex/a fling, but not worthy apparently of anything else. I feel used, and a bit worthless and am sat here in tears. I know I am overreacting and realise that my self esteem is not what it should be. I know people say to have a break and work on self esteem but how, exactly?

Part of the problem I know is that I am lonely, living away from friends and family, and partly I just enjoyed the messaging and the banter, and the feeling of being (in the beginning) a priority in someone's life, but with his 180, I feel even worse.

I am fairly certain that we will be fine at work, as in civil and professional, I'm not worried about that. But I work in quite an informal environment and already miss him as a friend and don't know how to move on.

I don't want to give too much detail but it is not at all easy for me to move jobs. I have a highly specialised role in which vacancies are extremely rare and heavily oversubscribed. I also don't really want to, I like my job.

Sorry this is long and a bit rambling. I just don't know how to move on, how to act and how to value myself more.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Why do you feel used? Did you not want to do the things you did? Or did you do them with expectations that they may lead to something?

You ask how to work on your self esteem. Well I'd start with this,

Part of the problem I know is that I am lonely, living away from friends and family, and partly I just enjoyed the messaging and the banter, and the feeling of being (in the beginning) a priority in someone's life, but with his 180, I feel even worse.

Address your loneliness. Make new friends and reconnect with old ones. Send fun messages to lots of people. Make yourself the focus of your sex life. If you treated yourself and your happiness as your main priority, what would that look like?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

You need to fill the time you spend moping about him and feeling down on yourself with things that are productive and give you a sense of self-satisfaction. Group classes in something you love or would like to learn are great for that.

It will also help you to build up your social network, so that some fling doesn't become the focus of your sense of social worth.

So:

• throw yourself into hobbies
  
• and into making friends.

[juneau]

Okay, so you had a flirtation that's fizzled out. That's actually pretty common IME. Not all flirtations lead to something more - in fact the vast majority don't. The main problem really is that you've got involved with a colleague, which is a big mistake for precisely the reason you're now discovering. However, I think you need to put it in perspective - you didn't have something serious with guy, neither of you has made a particular fool of yourself and while its awkward now it will be more so in future if you allow yourself to brood. My advice? Address your loneliness outside work, make more of a life for yourself and don't get involved with any more colleagues. The rule is 'Don't screw the crew'. Okay?

[WickedWax]

The thing that strikes me about your post is you talk about going from messaging to sex without any actual 'wooing' or dating or romancing in between. Fine, if you're both on board with that. But this was never likely to end up as anything more than what it turned out to be - a fling/fuckbuddy type arrangement.

[juneau]

P.S. My advice about not screwing the crew goes double for someone like who has has a highly specialised job, as you're likely to see the same faces over and over for the rest of your career.

[Alabamaslammer]

Thanks for all your responses, and for being kind!

I know I need to work on loneliness. The job makes it difficult - I work shifts which change weekly, although I do know the shifts far in advance. They are not fixed times either; no 6-2, 2-10, 10-6 routine or anything, I can be in as early as 3am and finish as late as 1.30am (not the same day obviously!). It means that ongoing group classes are pretty much impossible as I can't commit to something at 8pm on Tuesdays for example. I have done a couple of week long intensive courses in crafty things but they didn't pan out in terms of friends (max class size of 3, only 2 the week I went, the odds weren't great!). I have lots of friends, just not friends close enough to have a regular social life with, they're the kind of distance that means organising far in advance, and for almost all, staying over. I will look again at options for making friends locally.

You are right about not sleeping with colleagues juneau, I guess we probably both just kind of got caught up in the flirting. I think he's behaved badly insofar as I think if you're grown up enough to get naked with someone you're grown up enough to have a two minute conversation saying that you no longer want to get naked with them, rather than giving them the silent treatment. That said, I'm aware that I'm overreacting in that there were never any promises made and yes, it was never a conventional dating type romance. I know my reaction is disproportionate and that's what I mean about needing to work on self esteem and understanding why I was happy to do sexual things at the time but feel used now.

[juneau]

With regard to feeling used - again I would chalk this up to experience. If you allow something to move fast then there is always the risk that if it doesn't work out then you will feel used and/or regretful about how far you went with that person. He hasn't behaved well, which is unfortunate given that you considered him a friend AND you have to face him at work for the foreseeable future, but I think you'll have to 'fake it til you make it' in order to be civil and professional until all this hurts a bit less.

As for your working hours - wow those really aren't great. What about a Yahoo meet-up groups, a book group, or something similar that meets regularly, but not every week? That way you might miss some, but hopefully you'll be able to attend others and over time widen your social circle.

[RedMapleLeaf]

Have you looked at Meet Up for building a local social life?

understanding why I was happy to do sexual things at the time but feel used now.

I think you saw it as a contract. We have sex = we have honest conversations.

[mumofthemonsters808]

There is only one option really and that is to put it down to experience and move on.I think we've all been used at some point in our life, be it from a friend, lover, someone w fancy. When I look back, I have got myself in such a state over piss taking men, I was such a fool to allow this. Thank God, it was before mobile phones were invented, Try not to beat yourself up, don't give him head space.

[lavenderhoney]

Your work life balance is out of kilter - and do you have weekends off? There are plenty of things going on at weekends. don't use your job as an excuse - you'll have to plan and organise more - treat it as a project.

Some sports, like indoor climbing, have drop in throughout the week and weekends.

You had a fling with a co worker, it hasn't worked out - so ignore him now ( outside work) and be pleasant at work. It will get easier. Going from messaging to sex is never good- and many people confuse texting with dating. It's face to face time that matters. I think you both filled a need, and tbh you both sound as though you're pretty committed to work and that comes first, so it was easy for you both- pity it hasn't worked out. Never mind.

And never shag anyone on the payroll! Get the calendar out and make some plans. Even if it's " call 2 friends on Tuesday" every week.