Should we move?

[Tq205]

Hi - first time posting on here and i really need some help!

I have been unhappy in my job for a while and have been talking about moving down to London for a while. Recently i applied for a job down in London and found out i got it yesterday. Unfortunately my fiancé has now told me he really loves his job here and doesn't want to move and i don't know what to do.

Our situations are completely different - he loves his job and all his family is nearby. He can transfer within the same company so it isn't completely starting anew but he is worried that he won't get on with his colleagues as well and will have to form new relationships with clients. On the other hand i have been frustrated with my job for a while and have no family nearby at all.

Although we are settled where we are now i am worried that my career would basically stall if i stayed but can i really ask him to give up everything at such an uncertain future? Although the new job looks great on paper there is no guarantee it will work out. Generally speaking i am the flighty one that is always looking for change whereas he is much more grounded but can be overly scared of change.

How on earth do we make such a decision?! It just feels like the only solution is for one of us to give in to the other and I'm scared I'm being too selfish in asking him to move.

[SusanIvanova]

Could you work away from home for a while?

[ColdWhiteWinePlease]

I wouldn't do it. I've lived in London, it's not great. Very expensive property. Long commutes to work. Generally much more expensive living costs. You can't go clubbing on the weekend, cos the last train home is around 11/12 and you'll not afford a taxi out to where you live. It's very violent in places. There's a lot of crime.

[pocketsaviour]

I would rather clean my cat's litter box out every hour, on the hour, for the next 40 years, live in London - but that's me.

Have either of you lived in London before?

How far away are you now? Would commuting be an option for you?

Would the pay increase on offer for you still leave you better off even after accounting for the massive rent hike and travel/parking costs?

[RiceCrispieTreats]

This sounds like one of those situations where one of you is going to resent the other, if it's about "giving in".

I would approach it as about giving the other partner the freedom to follow their own path. You each get to choose your own preferred option, and let the other partner choose their own preferred option, with your blessing. So you move, he stays.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Can you give the job in London a 'trial'?
Just plan to move away for a couple of months and see how it goes.
Could you live near to job in the week and return at the weekend.
Plenty of people do this and it works.
I did it with my ex for about a year.
He lived up North during the week and was home at the weekends.
Worked very well actually.

[Twinklestein]

I'd have packed my bags already. But then I'm a Londoner and I wouldn't sacrifice a job opportunity for a man.

[Cabrinha]

You don't say how far away it is, how old you are, how long you've been with him, whether he initially agreed to go...

My advice is DO IT.

Nothing is irreversible.

I love London (though I'm not there now).

Always push your career as far and hard as you can before you have kids. (assuming that's in your life plan) If you take a break, or want to work part time later, it is easier to do that when you are more senior, more experienced. Also more lucrative!

Are you flighty? That's a negative word. Do you mean you are dynamic, love new opportunities, get excited by new challenges? If so, please don't call yourself flighty.

I would give the job a go, develop your career, find cheap as possible shared room in London, enjoy everything it has to offer and see your fiancé on weekends. See how it goes.

I actually so think that property prices are so eye watering that I'd avoid moving long term to London without a very good salary. But the experience in this job could be what gets you a good job in a regional location later.

Think very very carefully before you limit your career for a man. In fact, scan this board for plenty of examples of people shafted financially for having done so!

[Hillfarmer]

Coldwhitewine are you actually Donald Trump?

[Duckdeamon]

Congrats on the job offer.

How far do you live from London now?

Are there decent jobs for you both where he wishes to continue living? If you did this job for a bit would it give you better opportunities where you live now, as well as London?

Should you have a family, where would you want to live? Would it be likely that you (together) could afford somewhere OK to live?

[IonaNE]

Congrats on the job offer!
London is the most wonderful place to live in - I would pack my bags! Go, grab the opportunity.

As for your fiance, errmmm.... he could have said that he was not willing to move before you applied for the job, couldn't he? (And, btw, his arguments that he "might not get on with colleagues so well in London" and "might have to form new relationships with clients" sound way too fishy to me...)

[Marilynsbigsister]

Pocket saviour, I would join you in the litter box cleaning. I work in London, the only thing that makes it bearable is that I live in Sussex..I get home at night and breathe actual air. If I could find a job in my field away from London I would wear the litter tray as a hat ...I promise