Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
38 weeks pregnant and husband doesn't love me(49 Posts)
First time posting and am hoping for support and advice, please. We have a gorgeous 6yr DS and I am 38 weeks pregnant with no.2 and even though I've had ups and downs with my husband, I really didn't see this coming. We've been making efforts to make our relationship work and things have seemed better. Historically, he's been a bit of a cold fish towards DS and I but he says he wants to put things right and have more relaxed and happy relationships with us.
My husband and I are currently planning on buying a house and the company brokering our mortgage asked us to update the file and send through some docs. My husband said he'd do it and actually told me he was getting documents sorted. Well that was a week ago and when I arrived home last night, he said he had no intention of buying the house anymore and he didn't love me. He admitted he'd not done anything about mortgage too. He'd packed the car to leave whilst I was at work but for some reason, he didn't go.
He says he's going to help when the baby is born but this is torture as I know that one day he's going to leave and that could be tomorrow, next week or when his official paternity leave ends.
It's tough because I think he's playing on the fact that I love him and won't ask him to leave. I have said he needs to do the right thing and if he truly doesn't love me, then he should be honest and leave. He asked me to write an email to say I want him to go which seems both cruel and ridiculous.
When he leaves, he leaves me as a single mum on Maternity Pay with no house (I have to move out of our rented home in March). I'm worried about so many things and my head is spinning as I don't know what to make of all this.
to you, I rarely say it but he's a right bastard. He wants you to write the email for future reference when discussing divorce settlement with a lawyer. Don't do it or write something like I don't want you to leave, let's have therapy and sort this out. Maybe he's scared of the responsibility and thinks that leaving will erase everything (no excuse though but maybe explanation). Best wishes to you, your DS and baby.
I'm terrible with advice, sorry, I just wanted to say that you'll get through this, you are stronger than you think
You poor love
It might be best to make copies of all financial documents and contact a solicitor. Do you have any family who can help you out?
That sounds terrible. Please dont do an email that can be used against you. If he doesn't want to stay get him to leave but get in support for you from friends and family especially as you're due so soon. What a time to drop this on you. Look after you and DS. And get legal advice as soon as you can especially about £.
Thanks for your kind messages of advice. I'm really lucky that I have supportive family nearby and my PIL are very kind people and are coming to visit me and DS in a few days.
I certainly won't be sending the email he wants (!!) but like idea of drafting something explaining the situation and offering support. Good idea re: solicitors advice.
He's also said he wants to stay incase he changes his mind about how he feels about me once the baby is here. It's a while ago now but I don't remember it being easy with DS. Oh my, those first couple of weeks are tough; especially as I'll be having a C/S and will need support and help around the house (that he won't like!). He doesn't do anything even now (he's on holiday already and I'm working and doing all the household stuff). Go figure?!?
My MIL thinks he might be depressed but he's refused counselling of any sort. Is there a diagnosis for selfish toad?
He's also said he wants to stay incase he changes his mind about how he feels about me once the baby is here. Just no. You'll have a new baby, post-op, trying to cope and you're also playing the 'love me' game. Nope.
Get support; family; community; HCPs. Get your ducks in a row with who is Plan A and B for the birth and after the birth. Get your legal ducks in a row too. A free half hour or CAB.
I'd also quite like to know why you are considering keeping this lying, lazy, manipulative piece of crap. But I know very hard it is when you're expecting.
(flowers) wishing you strength as you go through this challenge. I would suggest some ground rules should he wish to stay. otherwise you will quickly exhaust yourself trying to be everything to everyone. I don't see how walking on eggshells and catering to his whims helping your post partum recovery. especially if you are nursing.
Oh I could rage on your behalf!!!!
Tell him to go today, no half measures and no messing you around. How dare he!!
Then close ranks and have a last happy few days with DS before your baby arrives. Renting somewhere and other bits can wait. You have support which is good
Do not write an email..... What a complete arsehole.....
And have a hug x
What a twat he is. Unfeeling, horrible, selfish twat.
I would try to get him to leave as well. He doesn't get to keep you on tenterhooks - he either stays whole-heartedly or he fucks off.
Any signs of there being someone else behind the scenes? Because it seems like it could be a possibility, especially with his "should I stay or should I go" attitude.
"I'd also quite like to know why you are considering keeping this lying, lazy, manipulative piece of crap. But I know very hard it is when you're expecting."
He can write an email telling you he's leaving. Don't you write him an email asking him to leave. He will make the divorce seem led by you!
How did you get into the situation where he does nothing in the house? Did his mother do everything for him as a child? Tell him he can always buy in a cook//cleaner while you rest. Explain the situation to the MW and get her to explain to DH what exactly he needs to do.
It might be that he is just frightened about the next three months.
When you say he hasn't bonded with DS, what do you mean? What's teir relationship like?
I am so so sad to hear this. You poor soul. My husband has just done similar and is leaving in a week but I am not about to have a baby. What terrible, terrible timing, this behaviour has made him a completely horrendous human being in evdryone's eyes.
I agree that you cannot live with someone threatening to leave you any minute. I tried that last week and it made me ill. I appreciate how very difficult it is to insist he leaves (I was unable to act immediately through shock and hurt) but this case is extreme, he sounds really quite evil. If you can find the strength to do so, get him out. I'm glad you have good support - use it and let family look after you. I appreciate how very difficult this would be. You feel frozen and need time to process things - it's hard to react at first.
I'm so sorry you're going through this x
I think it's very telling that he is the least supportive when you are at your most vulnerable, really needing his support. Does he ever support you OP?
Oh my god, what a prize prick!
When you say you love this utter arse, what exactly do you love about him? He sounds awful!?
My heart goes out to you love, it really does.
Get angry, get in control, kick him out.
So glad you've got some support, lean on them
Failing that send me your address and I will come and hoof the twat out for you....
So angry on your behalf! He has you over a barrel! Be honest with everyone, his parents included, about what a sodding twat he's being! Don't let this lazy arsehole pull the strings any longer and hide behind any lies that this is mutual.
So where is he going the stay the week before Christmas with his car packed and ready, leaving a son and pregnant wife?
He has obviously got plans. Disgusting.
And he wants you to out in writing that you want him to leave? What a coward. Obviously you won't but I can't see that would make any difference in a divorce anyway. Who leaves who is irrelevant.
You will be in shock now. But if it were me, I would say bye then and let him go. That might shock him into sorting himself out.
I can't see what else you can do.
So sorry to hear this but you will get through this with support. Do not write or sign anything he asks. Get all.important documents together and take copies. Try and get some legal advice. Does your employer have a legal helpline? Try and take control of the situation. Thinking of you
Do NOT write an email saying you want him to go.
That is evidence that could be used against you
How could you possibly still want him?
Your husband is a special kind of pond scum. It takes a cruel, pretty much irretrievably fucked up person to do this to someone pregnant, and his suggestion you write that email is malevolent. Please, please don't ever trust anything he does or says again. He really is beyond awful. (And do brace yourself for there possibly being another woman. I'm afraid it's likely. : ( ) X
He wants the email so he can rewrite history and not appear to be the prize cunt he is for dumping his heavily pregnant wife and child. If he's not generally an emotionally abusive person, I imagine he has someone else, which is why he's trying to cover his ass and make you appear the instigator.
The first thing you need to do is tell EVERYONE!
Literally everyone you possibly can.
Tell them everything he has said.
Get your support network to rally round and help you.
He tells you this 2 weeks before you are due to give birth to HIS child and a week before Christmas.
This takes a special kind of wanker it really does.
I'd bet quite a bit of money there is someone else on the scene.
But that is irrelevant.
For now stop doing anything for him.
No cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing. Look after yourself and your DS.
YOU need to rest now.
Tell him as he's already packed and ready to go he can fuck off.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance.
Detach and get some legal advice.
I'm so so sorry this happening to you but very pleased you have a lot of RL support. Use them, they will want to help you.
It hurts right now, but in the long run you will be better off, and happier, without this piece of shit.
Get copies of all financial documents and get your parents over for support.
I hate him and I've never ever met him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.