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Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

(238 Posts)
stopmenow Wed 16-Dec-15 00:14:04

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

2. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

Bogeyface Wed 16-Dec-15 01:16:51

Why are you seeing him?

Seems like a guaranteed journey to hurt.

To answer your questions...if he didnt care about how you felt then, why would he care now? So no I wouldnt bother bringing up your past relationship. And no, I havent. Because I wouldnt waste thinking time on someone who treated me badly, never mind actual real meeting them time.

He wont express regret, he wont want you back, he wont say sorry. There is a very good chance that he thinks that you will be up for a shag and then he can do the same again.

You are putting so much emotion into this, why?

Bogeyface Wed 16-Dec-15 01:17:55

Also, how are you in touch with him that this meet up came about?

CherryPits Wed 16-Dec-15 01:35:38

I wouldn't meet him at all. I had this exact situation and the guy wanted us to go out for dinner. I knew I couldn't handle it because he had meant so much to me and I wasn't really over him. I also knew he'd probably take advantage of that. So I cancelled.

Bumped into him a couple of years later, while shopping in London. He was with his two kids and I was with mine. No spouses around. Of course all that feeling had gone, but it was weird.

CherryPits Wed 16-Dec-15 01:36:18

sorry. we were both single and childless when we were messing about / talking about meeting for dinner.

Iflyaway Wed 16-Dec-15 01:46:01

Why are you still giving power in your head to this man who hurt you badly?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 16-Dec-15 05:17:18

What Bogeyface said.
You already have the measure of him- one way street . This will not change.

History will repeat itself here. Spare yourself.

TickingClock1 Wed 16-Dec-15 07:58:29

I would advise not to meet him, but if you do just smile & act indifferent, I wouldn't ask him any questions as you will just be taking up the past & if you don't get the answers you want, it may put you back two years.

stopmenow Wed 16-Dec-15 09:20:23

Thanks for your replies and advice. I agree I shouldn't probably meet him (reason for my username) but I've decided to do it anyway.
To answer the various questions:

why am I going? Because I was so in love with him, have thought about him a lot during that time, was seriously infatuated and have never met anyone else I liked that much - probably because of him. At the time we split up, we had been talking about living together. I figured that if I meet him and don't feel anything that would be great. If I don't meet him, I'll always wonder "what if" and given that I still haven't met anyone else, I can't see I have much to lose really.

how? He sent me an email saying how long it had had been and suggesting some dates for dinner. Initally I was all "no way, I never even had an apology" but he persuaded me round. I'm pretty sure he is angling for shag but I'm definitely not going to sleep with him. Could be open to a snog though. blush

I think "smile and act indifferent" is the good advice. I would like an apology but I think I know that the reason he didn't before is that he didn't care so it probably would be stupid to try to get one.

I would like to try to communicate to him that if it goes ok, I don't want to see him again if he ever behaves like that again. It ended up with me being sort of "silent treatment" on him - in the years/months we haven't been in contact, he's tried a few times but I've just ignored it and he gave up. He was horrible, we had a row and then I never spoke to him again until now.

I don't know if it's really dopey to even think it's worth trying to convey to him "I didn't speak to you for years because of this, I hope you've got the message that I won't put up with that." I'm probably over thinking anyway as he probably just wants a shag.

DoorToTheRiver Wed 16-Dec-15 11:11:12

As you're still hung up on him despite being no contact I would go against the grain and meet him.

I had a missed opportunity with a bloke I really liked and kicked myself. Fortunately for me the opportunity came up again and we got together. It didn't really go as I thought it would and I did get hurt but I don't regret taking the opportunity. If I hadn't I would have always wondered what if.

I think it's better to find out he's still an inconsiderate shit than to spend years wondering what if.

Just be careful and don't accept any shitty behaviour.

He may or may not regret his earlier behaviour but I wouldn't go to meet him with the intention of getting answers as you will probably be disappointed. Just see how things are when you do meet and make it clear you won't accept being treated second best. Good luck.

Threefishys Wed 16-Dec-15 11:40:56

You're going to do it anyway. you're going to get hurt and it will be your own doing. However in the interim it may bring you some shortterm enjoyment and I'm all for that so I say go for it.

CheersMedea Wed 16-Dec-15 11:41:10

I agree that going with the intention of expecting answers, an apology or an explanation is only going to lead to disappointment.

I'd try and relax and treat it as a first date with a stranger - which it very nearly is if you haven't seen him for years. People do change.

Yseulte Wed 16-Dec-15 11:49:44

I agree that going with the intention of expecting answers, an apology or an explanation is only going to lead to disappointment.


I don't see the point of asking him to explain why he hurt you. What do you expect him to say? He didn't care enough.

Whocansay Wed 16-Dec-15 12:04:18

I*t's a booty call. And I suspect you will relent, shag him and then feel like shit. Do not go. Why would you open up old wounds?

RedMapleLeaf Wed 16-Dec-15 12:09:39

You're going to feel like crap after you go through with this terrible plan. When are you meeting him?

Lulabellarama Wed 16-Dec-15 12:19:31

It really depends how old you were first time round I think.

I had an ex who I had been utterly besotted with, who had dumped me out of the blue and I'd not seen for 7 years. He bumped into a friend out one night and asked for my number and we arranged to meet.

When we met I got everything I'd ever dreamed of in terms of apologies, declarations of years of regret and desire to give it another go. We did see one another for a while but it didn't work and we're now distant friends.

The main thing here was that we were 16/17 the first time around, and everyone acts like a dick when they're that age, so those 7 years made a huge difference to the people we were.

It sounds to me like you are still far too emotionally invested so I'd advise extreme caution. Nostalgia can really hype up your feelings, it's unlikely he's worthy of your continued adoration.

hesterton Wed 16-Dec-15 12:27:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaptainKit Wed 16-Dec-15 13:34:44

Don't go. It'll open old wounds (which don't sound like they ever fully healed) and end up with you feeling worse than you do now.

Think about yourself - what would you get out of this meeting? A quick ego-boost if he does want to shag you, and then a whole load of headfuckery afterwards. It's not worth it.

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 16-Dec-15 13:58:29

If you insist on going, which I really don't think you should, please do not ask him to explain himself, by doing this you are weakening your defences before the blows even come . He probably can't remember why he behaved like he did and it's great for his ego to hear that his past behaviour still peeves you. Some cuntish men love hearing that women have never got over them and he will use this to his own advantage. WIthout sounding too crude, you need to Keep your legs shut, there is nothing more hurtful than casual sex with an ex who hurt you badly. It will take you months to recover, not only will you be dealing with the past hurt but also the new twatish behaviour.

I could be wrong, he may have matured and become a changed man. He may be full of regret and treat you exceptionally well and become an amazing long term partner, but the odds are stacked against you, life's not a fairytale. In my experience, once a cunt, always a cunt. Gosh, I can't believe how bitter I sound.

ColdWhiteWinePlease Wed 16-Dec-15 14:09:20

You are putting yourself in harms way, by meeting him. Car crash waiting to happen.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 16-Dec-15 14:12:44

I'll always wonder "what if"

What do you mean? You mean if he apologises, you'll jump at the chance for him to do it again?

I don't think meeting people who have treated you badly is a good idea in general, especially not if you are angling for a snog.

RatherBeRiding Wed 16-Dec-15 14:15:01

I think you know deep down it's a bad idea but are going to do it anyway. And maybe the only way to get him out of your system is to have him demonstrate, again, that he's a twat. And then hopefully you will see that continuing to hold a torch for him is a waste of your life.

But you obviously are still holding a torch for him. And he's got in touch with you. So despite your head telling you it's not sensible, and that you won't get an explanation or apology, you are going to meet him.

At the very least do NOT tell him how much he hurt you. How you've never got over him. As pp said - this will provide him with a massive ego boost and you with a massive loss of dignity and you will be immediately conceding him the upper hand.

Be friendly, be sure to tell him how amazing your life is, how busy you are, how great work is, what a fantastic social life you have, and act towards him like a long-lost acquaintance.

Helmetbymidnight Wed 16-Dec-15 14:20:07

The message you are sending by going is - you are still into him.

If that's the message you want to give him, that's cool, but don't pretend it's anything but that.

I hope it goes the way you want it to.

Jengnr Wed 16-Dec-15 14:38:11

I met up with an ex who treated me badly in similar circumstances. It was great. His life had been a bit of a disaster and I'd got my shit together and mine was ace. It was nice to see him, the old magic had gone and it's not nice od me but I did feel a bit 'HA! Karma, have some of that'

mix56 Wed 16-Dec-15 14:39:19

I agree the above is the most probable. depends on the age, & as you have spent this time wondering what if".... I would go !!! Never one for flight !
He has obviously gone out with other girls in the interim, he has asked you several times to go out. Maybe, he has never got over you either.
Do not fall at his feet. He may bring up the past... Just listen & remain detached. if he has changed at all his actions will show. NO Shagging

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