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Unresolvable fall out with friend, but don't completely understand why.

(181 Posts)

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SpoonSpoonSpoon Tue 15-Dec-15 17:22:19

Would appreciate some views on this.

Have been friends with this person since I was ten. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, and godmother to my DC. Her dad offered to film my wedding this summer as a wedding present, we gratefully accepted, thanked him publicly at the wedding and privately. We didn't hear anything about the video for a while, which was not an issue, but relevant.

I miscarried a very much wanted baby two weeks after the wedding. We didn't know I was pregnant at the wedding, but this put a bitter edge to everything related to it. Friend knew this.

Then early November I miscarried again. It broke me. And physically had complications second time around.

Friend's dad messaged me whilst I was miscarrying with a link to YouTube with our wedding video. I wasn't in a place to view it, neither was DH, so I left it. A few hours after he sent the message, friend messages me asking why we hadn't looked at it yet. I explained what was going on, and said I hoped to look at it soon. She sent back what seemed to be an understanding text. At this point I say with high insight that I know I should have contacted him myself, but was in no place to speak to anyone really.

Two days later she uploaded it to Facebook, knowing we hadn't watched it, knowing why. I was getting messages from people about the video. DH and I were both upset, and I asked her to take it down, again explaining why. In response I got a nasty message saying I was being unappreciative and immature, that he hard worked really hard on it, and she was extremely disappointed in me. I didn't respond as was trying to look beyond one falling out, as well as still feeling like absolute crap.

A few days later she messaged pretty normally asking for ideas for DC Christmas. I was pretty much ignoring my phone at this point, so genuinely didn't see the message. So the next day I got a more impatient message. This time I did see it, and replied asking her to please leave me alone for now. To this she sent back a message about throwing away a friendship because I didn't know when to say thank you, and not to contact her again unless it was an apology.

The next day one of my other bridesmaids called me. Friend had contacted her saying she wanted ideas gir DC, but really it was just to bitch. She went as far as to ask whether she should set up a savings account for DC, as she thought I was being petty enough to throw away any gift she sent, and didn't know when she'd next be allowed to see DC. All of which seemed incredibly over the top.

Next morning I received a final message, which was so cruel and cutting I can't stand to look at it again to quote, then she deleted me, having made it very clear I wouldn't be hearing from her again.

I acknowledge - personally, to her, ands to her dad as well, in a message I sent him - that I should have told him personally I would view it when I could, but honestly I was a complete mess. I could just about pretend to function for DC, but the trauma on top of physical side of things... I wasn't thinking straight.

I'm very hurt by the way she has reacted, and it seems very over the top a reaction for me - when boiled down to it - not watching a video immediately.

Just wanted some opinions on things.

Thank you.

Eminado Tue 15-Dec-15 17:24:57

Oh my!!!!!
She sounds VERY harsh!
Look after yourself, miscarriages are devastating.

nannyplumislostinspace Tue 15-Dec-15 17:27:04

She is No friend. Forget about her and move on. If your mutual friends asked what happened, tell them. You have done nothing wrong. What a heartless cow. flowers

Twitterqueen Tue 15-Dec-15 17:28:56

Firstly, I'm so very sorry for your losses. It must be very difficult and painful trying to come to terms with them.

But you can't expect other people to mind-read. No matter how awful you were feeling, they clearly didn't know what was happening. I think perhaps either you or your DH could at least have texted saying something like "We've just had some very upsetting news and need a couple of weeks to come to terms with it. We'll be in touch soon."

If you could send "please leave me alone" messages you could have said something... "I can't talk right now, I'm not well. I'll take a look as soon as I can..."

And if she's that close a friend, could you not have just told her the truth?


Twitterqueen Tue 15-Dec-15 17:30:25

ah ok - just seen the para about the fact that she did know what was happening? Is that right?

Eminado Tue 15-Dec-15 17:31:26

Twitter i am not sure if you have had a

This is a friend not a stranger - when you are losing your child texting impatient people is nowhere on your priority list!

DragonsCanHop Tue 15-Dec-15 17:32:16

you have done nothing wrong here. And as much as it was a favour it was also a present so posting on her Facebook was well out of order.

Send her dad a thank you card and then get on with getting better, I'm sorry for your loss.

SpoonSpoonSpoon Tue 15-Dec-15 17:34:00

She knew what was happening, and knew about the first loss as well. Did explain to her, and the impact it had had on us emotionally, when I got the first text from her.

ivykaty44 Tue 15-Dec-15 17:37:36

Ex friend needs to get a grip

Waiting a week or two for an opinion on a wedding video wouldn't hurt anyone - after all the wedding was in the summer so a while back, a couple of weeks would be nothing whilst you recovered.

I would contact both parties, father and daughter and let them know that your second miscarriage was traumatic, as was your first and you can only apologise for not being in a space to watch a happy event at this time. If the friendship needs to end then possibly sadly it will through this as you can't understand the urgency considering other events and that leads you to believe perhaps you are not meant to be friends.

As for her creation g the drama surrounding seeing her goddaughter, there is your answer - your friend enjoys drama and creating drama.....

StopShoutingAtYourBrother Tue 15-Dec-15 17:38:58

Spoon - so sorry to read about your loss.

She was no friend to you, extremely immature and selfish behaviour on her part.

There's long history there, so I know this will be upsetting for you, but really you are far better off not having this so-called friend in your life. She is not. I hope one day she gains an iota of empathy and apologises to you. MC is devasting - it's a bereavement and watching a wedding video in the immediate aftermath when you're grieving is the last thing I would or could have done no matter how much you value that friend.

Sending you virtual flowers and hope things work out for you.

Enoughalreadyyou Tue 15-Dec-15 17:42:26

Hmmmmn sorry think you are being unreasonable. Everyone felt part of the wedding not just you. You have intertwined it with your loss. Others didn't and you are expecting them to see it through your eyes. You were ungrateful and you should have contacted them. You don't seem to have emotional boundries. Sorry.

PontyGirl Tue 15-Dec-15 17:43:32

Sounds really horrible.

Send a thank you card to ger Dad, and just leave everything with her.

For me, I couldn't salvage that relationship.

Really sorry to hear of your losses - it must have been a really rough time. Take care of yourself.

celtictoast Tue 15-Dec-15 17:54:03


PhoenixReisling Tue 15-Dec-15 17:56:47

enough that was harsh hmm have we read the same OP?

Spoon if you told your friend on both occasions she should have been way more understanding.

OnlyLovers Tue 15-Dec-15 17:57:20

Her behaviour is ATROCIOUS. Why was it so important to keep saying thank you so many times? You thanked him twice at the wedding!

She knew what was happening, seemed to understand and then bitched about you to other friends.

I don't know how much if any input her dad has had into this – is it possible he's been pressuring her or winding her up? Even if that were the case, as a friend she should explain to him and protect you.

It's a long friendship and it must be shocking and sad. Has she ever behaved at all like this before?

Enough, sure, everyone felt part of the wedding, but at the end of the day it was the OP's wedding, at which she was unknowingly pregnant. Of course it's 'intertwined' with her subsequent loss. I'd expect anyone who was there and who calls themself a friend to the OP to understand that and not throw a strop about the video not being up.

Golightlymydear Tue 15-Dec-15 17:57:53

it sounds as though things have been damaged so much that the friendship is now irretrievable, but i think there were probably various points at which you could have rescued things by communicating more clearly and kindly. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, that is devastating and she obviously didn't have enough empathy about that. Agree with the person upthread who said you were expecting her to mindread. I can see where you were coming from but I think she must have been genuinely confused and hurt as well.

Eminado Tue 15-Dec-15 17:58:29

Enough are you made of stone?!

lorelei9 Tue 15-Dec-15 18:01:33

OP, this is a no-brainer for me

My feeling is your friend expected you to put aside your feelings after two miscarriages, and laud the efforts made on the wedding video as if it was some kind of priority for you!! Shocking.

and to put it on Facebook before you've even had a chance to look at it was completely wrong as well. You should not have to explain yourself any more than the word "miscarriage". Some people are astonishingly dense or unfeeling about this type of thing- but are they the people you want to be friends with?

If it helps, last year I was extremely unwell. One friend having received a message from me stating the name of what was wrong very clearly, didn't know anything about it and didn't know to look it up if that makes sense; she seemed to take the view that I was capable of texting therefore okay-ish. But when she realised her mistake, she was mortified. So sure, I forgave her for that - all of two days of not understanding the seriousness of the situation till someone else explained it to her.

but another one just didn't help out or show any consideration or ask anything more than "when will you be back in circulation?" (like a £5 note, lol). That one I ditched.

this does not sound like a friend you will miss! You might want to have a talk with her but...honestly, the world is full of people and nothing about this sounds positive.

There are some situations where you might have to explain a bit but "miscarriage" should not be one of them. I don't have children btw but when my friend went through a miscarriage, I was so distressed for her I was practically silent for a fortnight and my work colleagues kept asking what was wrong. I don't see how someone who really cares for you can be waffling on about wedding videos and shoving them on Facebook.

FFS. I'm annoyed with your so-called friend!
and btw may I offer you flowers

Hoppinggreen Tue 15-Dec-15 18:02:30

Jesus Christ - after my mc I could hardly string a sentence together!!!!
To try and be fair to your friend a lot of people who haven't been through it don't get it but as a good friend she could have at least tried.

lorelei9 Tue 15-Dec-15 18:02:54

enough - I'm mystified. and "everyone felt part of the wedding" - um, the same "everyone" don't want to give out emotional support then...? Strange.

shinynewusername Tue 15-Dec-15 18:03:34

I think she was being unreasonable and unkind. I do think that her message about your DCs' Christmas presents was probably her attempt to make peace so it's a pity that you didn't respond (though I totally get why you were avoiding your phone at such a difficult time), but a good friend should have understood why you hadn't replied.

cuntycowfacemonkey Tue 15-Dec-15 18:03:37

I agree with PontyGirl. Send a thank you note to her dad and then cut her loose.

Personally I think Enoughalreadyyou's post is a load of bull.

Bakeoffcake Tue 15-Dec-15 18:03:44

Has she reacted like this with any other issues/people or is it out of character for her?

I'm just trying to understand why anyone would be friends with someone like this.

NickiFury Tue 15-Dec-15 18:04:15

I think enough was harsh but there's truth in what they are saying.

Remember this is her Dad. She's probably watched him working hard on this video and being excited about it and just wanted a very small acknowledgment of that. It sounds like you ignored every kind of contact with her, though I do understand you were in a bad place. It sounds rather more like a misunderstanding that escalated horribly rather than true cruelty on her part.

I'm sorry for your losses OP thanks

howtorebuild Tue 15-Dec-15 18:08:11

I am sorry you are in a bad way. YABU to place all the blame on others.

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